heartlessviking

I didn’t mean to take two days off this week. It wasn’t the plan. However, it happened. Coming back today I felt sluggish and slow, but no one seemed to notice. It started resembling the office I had liked before; expectations at a level that doesn’t actually take much from me to meet. So relative safety.

Which goes back to my temporary-ness of whatever unpleasant thing lands in my life. I’m not excessively tolerant, but it seems life signed me up for the difficult run this year. I had hoped to thrive enough to get out fast ish and maybe update my gear in the bargain.

The […]

things being quiet, I have to remind myself that part of my misery is me taking on the project I am to try and get off heavy duty prescribed drugs and caffeine. I could have it easy if I just upped my dose on both. I’ve cracked a few times since I started trying. My full dose gets me nice and numb. However, it’s a shackle, and I’m less productive.

I really can’t describe it to someone who hasn’t been on heavy mood altering drugs most of their life. You know that they you that people have been seeing isn’t the real you. It makes it […]

Ongoing monitoring of my public breakdown that I’ve been having at work. It’s been as polite as I can be about it, and I guess I’ve been masking really really well. Normally staying centered and productive is a major point of pride, so you can imagine the associated shame that is automatic.

However, I broke down and told way more of the story to my boss, about how I’ve been struggling, which to be fair she knows half of already. She listened and helped me deal with my feelings of frustration and empathy burnout. She told me that there was a limit to how hard I […]

I’m utterly useless! Pointless in every professional way, however that is not something I caused. I love it, this is the closest I’ve gotten to proof of that. They can’t build the stupid offices so that I can see clients regularly.

I know all about construction deadlines and whatnot and the time it would take if an adept and agile company was trying to do this. However this is the state where I live, the same entity creating the education system I so strongly want to get my family away from.

A diseased body cannot help but behave diseased, so delays and delays. I’m fully trained, but […]

If you want to be magic, you’ve got to be tragic….. Shit I’m set.

Anyway, shoes dropped today.

Yes, I dropped my money, quite a lot of it on something to go on my feet. I had to finance, and unconsciously that meant committing to another 3 months at this, because I have to wait to pay off the boots. Now that I think about it though, I’m shackled by my boot orders until they are complete, I’m not going to try and […]

Please tell me if any of what I say here is meaningful. I’m somewhat convinced most of what I say lately is bloviating, so I’m trying to distill it down to meaning.

I’m a shell, there once was more inside. Maybe there is deep down in there, I haven’t seen the soft bit in so long.  I saw the smallest bit six years ago, and it was pretty rough when it had to retreat again.

So it must be nice to be so sincere about things as  people on this site in general are. I’ve been studying why I’m not dead. Not in a self pity way, […]

well, seems like the shame is all on my side…. makes sense.

I ended up taking monday off….. that’s such a nice way to say I almost quit but took a sick day instead. My boss is has chronic allergies, so there are no sick notes. Maybe the employer is kinder, could be, but I think my initial take is the right one. I know where I’m being shielded.

Anyway, so I wasn’t pushing as hard today. It didn’t seem to matter. Nothing does.

I’m near the bottom of my burnout, I don’t know how I’m working right now. I guess because nothing matters, not even if I’m […]

in the tradition of our species, I’m going to try and tell a story instead of actually facing the horrors straight on. Maybe you know some of it yourself, it’s a common enough one

There was a spiral in the distance, in the clouds one day it seemed it was just a passing thing. What an odd thing the townspeople thought. The clouds never spiraled before. Yet the next day, there were more spirals in the water, and people found themselves dancing spirals on the way to work

the town was soon beset by spirals. Everywhere you went, there was the spiral. At the doctors surgery, the […]

I don’t know if that makes it better or worst, we’re suffering now, at least a few of us from the same thing. So we can at least comiserate.

but the pain is still too acute for me. I’m too vulnerable right now. So the intimacy scares me, not traditional intimacy but communal familial. I guess I’m waiting to be invited. New family member anxiety, and it’s a loose family. Subtlety was always something I had to work to understand.

I’m trying though. Every bit of my emotional experience is wiirrring away trying to figure out how to navigate this situation. But now I’m finding out theirs […]

I was listening to coward of the county, it struck me how many fights I ran away from.

When my wife decided she was through with my financial issues, I surrendered.

I tucked tail and ran when my hospital was run by a maniac, and riots ran rampant.

When my company lost it’s use for me, decided it was done with me.

When my passion career said no, when every school I had hopes for wouldn’t even take my calls.

When my back up career decided to back me into a corner.

when my back up to my back up did the same damn thing.

This is the corner I won’t be […]

I know, not that anyone knows……. but I’m still trying to figure this out. Did I set my expectations too high? Was I high on some of the drugs they gave me when I got the results from my cognative assessments? Or have people been telling me I was uncommonly bright for most of my life?! FYI, what to say to a kid to screw them up. Tell a kid they’re a screw up…. well aren’t we all. Geez I feel like that on a daily basis, that’s just life as not the richest person in capitalism.

Uncommonly bright. You should be a professor. You should […]

I’ve been humming this song, Brandy by Looking glass all day at work, trying to figure out why. I mean apart from clients named Brandy, that’s the obvious one.

However, this is the song indirectly about the thing I never get about humanity. People putting things over people. But it cuts deeper, specifically because of how it is used metaphorically in Guardians of the Galazxy 2. Spoilers so be warned. However the villain ends up saying that it justifies him following his passions at the expense of those he claims to love, to their harm actually.

I didn’t know the song before the movie, but the more […]

I had been at the peak of my lonilyness, where I was willing to engage with anyone, just to get them to engage back. I blame those two weeks of training, hyper soaked in dopamine and being relevant, then back home and not relevant at all again. Okay, I’m somewhat relevant, but I was dangerously relevant in training. I think they were worried, of course that’s probably a paranoid daydream.

It’s a lot of daydreams these days, I feel like a little boy daydreaming all over the place. I can’t make myself interested enough in now. There are still people who swat my hand and scold […]

I encountered a man named Baby Boy today.

No really! I did! He had to get his name changed!

I didn’t know life could be so cruel. Every time I think I’ve found the cruelest, here comes a man named Baby Boy.

See, the story goes that when a child is left at a hospital on the form it just says “baby boy” or “baby girl” with the name to be filled in later. Usually someone fills in the name. That almost always happens. You’ve almost never heard of this because it usually happens. However it makes sense, they’d have to put something on the form. Anyone who […]

I’ve been back to the doctors, well, to the case workers. They ask questions, and you know how those can sound somewhat off after being away for awhile;

“Do you ever hear or see things that no one else can see?”

DO I?!

Gee mister, I don’t know. I try to check as often as I can, but I always suspect I’m hearing things that others don’t. That they don’t see everything I see.

Because of religion and superstition. Years of awful practice learning to see what isn’t there. Not even getting into art and imagination. I’ve seen worlds beyond worlds. I took a stroll through the end of […]

I thought about “saying goodbye” but that sounds like I’m leaving, and I’m not. Just dealing with grief, which has been a dominant force in my life. I guess I just wanted to SHARE. A bit of grief for Plainwhite doing as he did, it’s a bittersweet kind, like graduation sort… And of course it isn’t final final. He’ll have to be gone awhile for it to be even persistant….. but I’ve learned to prep accordingly. People willing to announce an exit often do eventually.

It’s a bit the same with another, an old friend has dropped off the map……….. again. Last sign of life I […]

{And I hate living in Neverland, and I hate living in this flawed body, and I hate I hate I hate PETER PAN!!!}

yes, the social worker/client dynamic is much like the parent child dynamic, sometimes sick and disordered

“I want I want I want, me me me, mine mine mine, now, now now”

I had a bit of a day….. really it was the last hour and a half. The last thirty minutes…… I nearly quit. We can’t take more clients towards the end of the day, we aren’t allowed overtime. We don’t want it either. The whole damn building shuts down at five. So we stop […]

I keep seeing these signs saying “suicide is never an option.” But they’re wrong, pretty much the opposite is true it is always an option…. Maybe a difficult option, one that makes people sad .. but an option damn it. Normally I’d try to hold onto it and vent later but this fact has literally kept me alive.

Because if you convinced me I was losing that option, I’d charge for that exit with all speed. Because otherwise I’m trapped. I can only keep procrastinating death, keep those plates spinning as long as the door out is unlocked .

It also brings up another issue: people seem […]

I was going to be flash about it, evidence…. then I thought about how I hate how that looks these days. Okay, I know, science grad of me already. Hey, I told on myself up front with that title.

The point of data is relational though, not quantitative necessarily. Of course in quantity of occurances it can be quantitative, I’m not saying it can’t work that way, where was this supposed to be going again? I’m a little bit smished. Playfully.

Anyway the main thing I wanted to record is this data point in employer relationship, Three months in, which is a pretty good place to take […]

of course I realize the egocentrism of the whole thing. So, if you don’t want to indulge that impulse in me, for which I wouldn’t blame you in the slightest, off with you. There are many other intriguing things in this world, I dare say probably more enriching to your life than my sick mind.

The first 18 years of my life I was surrounded by adults trying to figure out what I was, or what I would be, and they never did. I can’t say I have had any better luck. I wrote an earlier draft of this, it focused a bit more on the […]