heartlessviking

I really would like to know the source of my current apathy. Is it my pain at having my hopes dashed? Is it the new drug? Is it the lessening of the old drugs? Is it the lack of anything worth engaging with?

I went into this business thinking if I understood others I might understand myself, and I was wrong.

Anyway so I thought I’d try to finish my serial killer book. Got frustrated pretty quickly. The issue is unreliable narrator. Almost immediately after giving the reader a bit of “evidence” the book discounts it, makes it nonsense. The killer is manipulating the investigators, nothings is […]

Bye bye hope

bye bye satisfaction

hello inaction

I wish that I could cry

bye bye hope

bye bye upward climb

welcome back mediocre time

I wish that I could die

goodbye my hope goodbye

I was going to try and explain it, but damn it’s short enough I can just quote it here. It doesn’t include any personal details

”

Good morning,

We value your interest in the Victim Advocate position at [Redacted] with the Police Department. Following a thorough review of numerous qualified applicants, the panel has selected the top five candidates for further interviews. Unfortunately, we must inform you that you will not proceed to the final round […]

seriously, out of nowhere, I get this invite to a webinar, and usually webinars are crap, I have an ongoing invite to one about grad school, ha ha.

but it’s from the state, for a job, and dang it, it’s a job I’d be good at. It’s tomorrow.

I don’t know how much to believe in it. Maybe they just sent it out to everyone who filled out an application in the last year. Not too special then, am I? The other end though, maybe I was picked. Either way, we’ll see how bad they want to fill the role.

Seriously tight turnaround though. I can’t imagine that […]

I swear, I was almost to the point that I could portray myself as emotionally well balanced. After all, I’m well liked, and I like myself. Really my one fault is my career, and I’m working on that.

This is going to be a story of effective therapy, because what therapy does better than anything else is hold up a mirror to parts of the self that are laying low from your own awareness.

What’s weird is that I don’t know how we got there. She was talking about how I’m a very emotionally reserved person, and I reflected that yes, I am. So she inquired as […]

I had a strange dream, and it got me thinking about something I observed about a different type of anti social behavior; when you’re the one experiencing the anti social tendency, you tend to sell it as a positive.

I don’t trust anyone at all, including myself. This is years of trauma and frustration manifest. So when I meet a true believer, someone who trust the world and themselves, I recoil. It’s probably why I like the mentally ill and developmentally disabled; the world has failed them, so I don’t have to work to explain how someone who appears trustworthy can rip your heart out. It’s […]

Patience is the hardest thing there is. It’s a commonality within a lot of us. Maybe depression is a rational response, to waiting too long, getting impatient.

but as dangerous, is acting thinking that the waiting is pointless. There’s some kind of counterforce, stealer of dreams, or maybe just a root of ruin in every mind. It says hurry up, hurry up, hurry up…. and it thinks, I could push through, I could make it faster.

The shame, when I was younger and more foolish I gave into it. Trying to be less foolish, less wasteful.

because there will be time enough, in the right time. I wanted […]

Moreso I hate the people who ride them. I just did a ride to downtown and back and it was almost perfect, so close. However, fricken urban renewal, in the middle of the ride I had to pass through the new park. I’m trying to be inclusive and not hate on it, even though it adds a mile of unnecessarily complicated and frustrating trail to what is otherwise an absolutely lovely bit of riding.

I got through the north bound with no problems at all. Lured me into a false sense of security. I thought surely I had seen all the silly things I would see […]

well, after hyping myself up for it, looks like the grocery store is a bust, or at least the one I wanted to work at. Maybe I’ll apply for others, but I’m feeling let down by the whole thing. I wanted to walk into a job, literally, that’s a thing that used to happen.

First, they require people apply online…. what’s the point being a job of last resort if you require as much work as actual good jobs (and I mean work to get, not work on the job). Then they also only had one opening, for overnight. I’m not doing overnight, it’s the one […]

I wasn’t going to post about it, my progress, because up until right about now I felt like it wasn’t significant enough.

However, that’s something I’m working on in therapy, being happy with any progress. Also I think it hit critical mass for being worth heaping praise on.

First thing; I’ve been getting out on my bike more often. Last Monday after my interview I did a little 10 mile stint, today I did 14-15 miles. I was still sore from last week, and that’s the real measure of progress for me (apart from losing weight), my recovery time has been going to pot, and it has […]

It took me about two and a half hours to process the headspace I’m in right now, but it’s a better headspace than last night.

The problem is, I don’t know how to half ass anything. I do it, I’m learning, but it’s always been a challenge. To impress someone, my default is to try really hard. I really wanted to impress the interview yesterday, and I tried harder than I thought I could anymore. That hurt, a lot, pouring that much out, not knowing if it would come to anything.

I did a 10 mile bike ride last night after the interview, and now I’m sore […]

I did my interview today, and I think I did decent. The thing about it, I won’t know for awhile if I did well enough.

I’ve been over it with my wife and father, and they both said I should just keep going, keep looking.

Even though it might be futile. Especially, it seems to me. Panel interviews are tough to begin with, a panel with three cops (one of whom is the chief of police), and a member of city counsel. I’ve never had so many important people looking at me for an hour.

and that’s just it, I’m not important, not yet anyway. Maybe I will […]

My wife woke me this morning telling me that I’m getting worse and so is she. So off we went to urgentcare, which  is still better than the ER or trying to get into our regular doctor on short notice. All the same, uncomfortable chairs, florescent lights and trying to remember every medical detail of my life. The doctor was by telemed, but they did everything else in the clinic.

So bad news part 1; I weigh 250 pounds which is almost the heaviest I’ve ever been. I thought I was at 215, which wasn’t great,  but I didn’t feel bad about it like I do […]

I’ve been wrestling with what it is that bothers me so much about this interview next week. What’s different? I’m way more invested than usual, for one. I’d really like the job.

The thing I realized though, I never once respected my former employers. Not a one of them. All of them were varying degrees of corrupt, and every time it felt like a faustian bargain; You try not to let me find out how corrupt you are, and I’ll try and ignore it.

but I realize now, it’s scary, the idea working for someone who has integrity and ethics. Their criticism would actually land for one. […]

I never thought I’d wax nostalgic for the days of book reports, that I would end up moved enough by a book that reading it wasn’t enough. I keep hoping I can get my creative juices working and write something of my own, fiction that is. I can write an essay anytime, as observed on here.

If you had asked me last week, I would have said that there were two kinds of horror; the legitimately suspenseful, and the emotional. Personally I consider myself in it for the suspense, I’ve encountered very few effective emotional books.

This one book, The Watchers by A.M. Shine, is a mold […]

I know a lot of people disagree with my sentiment that it’ll be less work to die old, and that perhaps I’m putting myself through undue suffering

But then I ran into this story of this exceedingly average person for his time, a small businessman in the late 19th century. He died in 1906. But here he is getting talked about, which to me makes him a success story. The legend goes that he tried to spend so much on his monument that his family didn’t get anything. The truth turns out that he wasn’t specific about the amount to be spent. He said 1/6th of […]

I’m turning 36 tomorrow, but unless things go seriously awry I’m not going to have time or energy to write about it, not the next two days either

Supposedly the older you get the less thrilling birthdays are. I think that’s just for death denial people, those who haven’t accepted that they ARE going to die someday, and that someday gets closer every day. I’m tickled to be older, more excuses to complain about aches and pains and talk about how much better it was when I was young, even though it wasn’t.

It was great when I was a child, compared to now, but being a […]

out of hope, tried too hard, barely holding on, again…………

I don’t want to die, I just want some hot water and to know I could keep eating…. . how gloriously niave I was that those meager boons were within reach

A large part of me wants to hang this useless corpse in front of one of the organizations that failed me…. but there are so many, and I only have the one useless corpse

or for something harder, heroine, fentanyl…… any narcotic capable of erasing the pain. I wish alcohol had ever done that for me…… lucky bastards who it does work for. I mean, they die […]

No no, you don’t understand, you wait a week for us to ship you out a part, YOU pay $159, and then you still don’t have hot water! It’s just that simple, in the middle of winter, our company who does nothing other than make water heaters can get your hot water service returned…..

EVENTUALLY

WITH INDEFINITE SERVICE CALLS

AND TWO HOURS ON HOLD A WEEK!

What a service! What a hot water heater!

Today I learned the German for it, just so I can broaden my horizons on this amazing journey that Rheem has decided to introduce to my life

“Scheisse Warmwasserbereiter”

Shit Hot Water Heater

Except in Germany there are actual […]

The state I live in has decided that I’m able bodied and therefor not entitled to food. Yes, that is their position, I know they would present it that I’m “freeloading”…. but I’m just trying to keep eating, it’s a matter of survival

Now, how could I dispute that? Well the conditions are explicitly laid out;

IF I’m working more than 30 hours a week

[so it’s ON ME to make the job market bend to my will, to make employers respond. It’s work, or starve. I’ll be disputing the other conditions similarly]

IF I’m in school at least half time

[So the state compels me to engage in more […]

I was going to say no hot water and be melodramatic….. but we have SOME, not even close to enough, and not in the way I need it most……. Our hot water heater decided to take a break on Saturday, I had a plumber out today and in a sane and kind world that would be the end of it….. but I did the stupid thing five years ago and bought a hardware store hot water heater instead of letting the plumber put one of theirs in. Stupid I now find out because for warranty I had to call customer service, half hour on the […]