I’m going to do it I just need to know how to let people down easy. I really can’t stay here. Any ideas on what to write for my mom would be amazing. Thank you!
But our thoughts are darker than the deepest of woods… how will the light ever, possibly get through?
I’m sure all of you know it, that feeling of worthlessness, emptiness, and just an overwhelming amount of sadness. It’s ripping me apart. I don’t want to live like this anymore, its been so long since I’ve felt happy… it’s getting harder to remember what that feels like. And when I do it hurts. How do I get it to stop? I just want it to stop… all I need is for one person to love me, and it would turn my life around. But I’ve lost hope that will happen. Is anyone else so dead on the inside that they feel like they’re already starting to rot away…? Me too.
I can’t stand the thought of my mother, or family walking through my bedroom door and seeing me there lifeless with blood pouring from my body. I know there’s other ways… but no matter what they’ll find out… that it was me who did it. I don’t want my mother to ask the what if’s. She will always blame herself. Other lives and feelings are worth more than mine… so if I have to carry on wanting to kill myself every second just so everyone else is happy, I will. But it’s so, so hard to do and I can’t fucking do this alone anymore. It’s all I think about. Every time I see a window, a sharp object, my damn pills, I just think that it could all be over the moment I do it. And I get a smile. But then I would put my family through all the pain that I was in. Then I put the knife or pills down. I’m still in middle school and there’s pain to last millions of lifetimes. So don’t tell me it gets better. Because it doesn’t. It won’t. But please… tell me how to do this without hurting people. I can’t do this cycle anymore.
Death is the only way out. Every person I meet leaves me in the end. Every one I’ll ever know will just throw me away, like the peice of shit I am. But I’ve been thinking… maybe this is a sign that I really don’t belong here, that I don’t belong anywhere. I don’t believe in heaven. I don’t believe in hell. I think when you cross to the “other side” you’re just dead, sitting 6 feet under. But being numb is better than the feeling of being stabbed I the heart, and when it’s over… it’s over. I don’t have to walk around in pain, the weight that I carry on my chest will be lifted… and my life will be set free.