I haven’t been on this site for two and a half years and yet here I am back again. Folks around me say it’s a testament to my strength that I’ve made it this far, but I say it’s a wonderful combination of cowardice and my old friend Jack. I don’t really know what I wanted to say here but I just needed to say something somewhere to someone. A lot of the time it’s the silence that gets to me, albeit I bring that silence upon myself. Nobody to talk to about this stuff, nobody that really honestly wants to hear what I think. […]
 Are not my days few? cease then, and let me alone, that I may take comfort a little,
Before I go whence I shall not return, even to the land of darkness and the shadow of death;
A land of darkness, as darkness itself; and of the shadow of death, without any order, and where the light is as darkness.
Verse just kinda spoke to me…figured it probably would make sense to some of you on here too.
I think I need to up my dosage. I’ve been on anti-depressants for 6 weeks and I haven’t felt any positive effect. If anything, I feel worse. Suicide resides in the forefront of my mind. Futility rules supreme in my mind. I’ll meet with my therapist, maybe she can help.
Why can’t I cry? No matter how depressed I get, no matter what I see or hear, regardless of the circumstance, I just can’t cry. Physically I’m fine, but I just cannot bring myself to shed one single tear. The closest I’ve ever gotten was in my car. Maybe I’ll just fill up the tank and drive for a few hours. To “Get away from it all!” as they say. Perhaps….Perhaps that will make a difference.
These are my thoughts, as they come to me, whether it be sitting in a crowded place or alone in contemplation. I look around and see people going about their days not knowing of me. My struggles, my life, my past. How is it that we can FUCKING PASS THROUGH LIFE SO GODDAMN FUCKING BLINDLY!?!?!?! It confounds me that these people will never know the people 5 feet away from them. Just today I did a good deed, a small one but a good deed all the same.
I look around and see children and adults. All in different states of mind. I can see their […]
Maybe, Just maybe, there is balance. We (meaning those who are reading this and the other posts on this site) are the counterbalance to something else. Perhaps everyone has a “role” to fill in this world. Perhaps we are the depression and sadness to other peoples happiness and joy? While I would never wish what I feel on anyone else, why wasn’t it me that got that the “happy” side of that balance?
I simply do not understand people that are “driven”. What’s so different about them that creates such a huge difference between myself and them. I’m a decent fellow, cordial to my friends, says “yes ma’m” and “no sir” and yet I’m so troubled and they are seemingly so carefree. I frankly cannot comprehend how it is possible for them. But I digress, I suppose by this point you can extrapolate the fact that I am not driven. I fear responsibility and any situation that could potentially turn out badly. For some, this would result in focus and determination to create positive outcomes, to avoid those […]