hopeisafourletterword

I haven’t posted here in a while. But a few nights ago I had the most vivid, morbid dream I’ve ever had in my life and I just need to get it out there and ask if anyone else has had a similar experience.

In this dream I came across a guy who was holding a gun, and asked him to shoot me. He did, but I lived. Then I went home and attempted to kill myself with a knife. Still in this twisted dream, I passed out, but woke up later. I then went to the bathroom, cleaned my horrendous wounds, and gave up trying to […]

better than anyone. You know every little tiny detail. I can’t hide anything from you. You’ve known me longer than I have known me. Longer than my own mother has. You’ve seen every part of my life. You can tell me everything that has ever happened in excruciating detail from start to finish. Not only do you know what happened, you know how all those things made me feel. You know how all those things affected me, whether I knew it or not.

You must also know that I feel I’ve seen too much, that I’ve been through too much. You must know I want out. […]

anyone who ever met me. just forget i was ever here. let me go to sleep and not wake up. i don’t want any of this anymore. emotions are just too much to deal with. i can’t anymore.

just made it through yet another pointless day… and I resisted the urge to smash my car into a ***** tree on the way home. That counts as a win, right? Or do we ever really win anymore?

Calendars are a funny thing. So mysterious. If you’re not planning to die on a certain day you look at these weeks and days and months assuming you’re gonna be around for all of them. So will your loved ones. The truth is you may not. This may be the year you die. This may be the year someone you know dies. None of us are guaranteed to make it to the next New Year’s Day. I think about that every time some old celebrity or random person I know of dies. Calendars mock us. They present the future as a sure thing. I laugh […]

End it because I am of no use to you.

End it because I am of no use to anyone.

End it because of the horrible things I’ve seen and can never unsee.

End it because it’s going nowhere but downhill.

End it because I’m not who I thought I would be.

End it because I don’t even recognize the happy girl I was from the life I remember.

End it because I’ve lost all motivation, energy, and mental strength.

End it because I’d rather be asleep all the time anyway.

End it because I don’t like the sun shining in my face every morning I try to sleep in. It gives me […]

Can barely get out of bed, don’t want to do my job anymore. I just wanna lay in bed, fall asleep and not wake up. Ever. I don’t wanna live to see another pointless morning. Every part of me is useless and I can’t do anything. How do people motivate themselves to stay busy the whole day, scheduling every part of their  day every day? I can’t. I just can’t.

Yesterday, a kid who attended the school I work at killed himself.

Today was filled with nothing but sitting around, having flashbacks to when I was in middle and high school, when a couple of students died. Remembering the saddest looks on my teachers’ faces as they just sat there and let us do whatever. Now the role was reversed.

I didn’t know this kid. But part of me felt like I did.

I know what it must’ve been like to take that final walk to the place where it would all end. The final journey. I know what was going through his head.

Some would probably feel some […]

That’s technically incorrect. Suicide IS an option for anyone physically capable of it. The thing we must decide for ourselves is whether to let it remain just an option, or to make it our choice, our reality.

Everything just makes me either really happy or really pissed off… and cause I’m a girl every month I seem to have a downward spiral of either rage or sadness…. my moods are really unpredictable. I don’t know myself at all

I actually don’t want to kill myself. I just want to die.

I’m not  looking for “why does everything SEEM pointless”. I’m asking “why IS EVERYTHING POINTLESS.” As in why IS the sky blue. Why IS 2+2 equal to 4. EVERYTHING IS POINTLESS. WHY? You’re pointless. Kill yourself, google.

I STILL HAVE NO ANSWERS. WHY IS EVERYTHING SO POINTLESS? WHY DO I HAVE TO KEEP WAKING UP IN THE MORNING? WHY IS MY LIFE SUPPOSEDLY NOT MINE TO TAKE? I AM THE ONE THAT HAS TO LIVE IT. I DIDN’T ASK FOR IT, WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT? THAT’S CRAP. PEOPLE TAKE THEIR LIVES ALL THE TIME, JUST LIKE CAR ACCIDENTS AND CANCER AND HEART ATTACKS HAPPEN ALL THE TIME. NOTHING MATTERS. N-O-T-H-I-N-G. NADA. ZIP. ABSOLUTELY N-O-T-H-I-N-G MATTERS. NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why the f am I here? Why can’t I just die? I hate everything fffffffffffffffffffffffffffff

Take me to the eternal sleep.

Any ideas? It’s all pointless. Everything. All of it.

Sometimes the littlest change, the stupidest most insignificant thing in my life can make me wish I was dead. Like right now, I’m watching the Tonight show and Jimmy fallon has this overgrown, hideous mustache that I have never seen before. I honestly thought it was fake at first. I don’t even know when it happened. Seriously, he looked so much better clean shaven. I guess I haven’t watched the tonight show in forever, being a teacher and being so busy working and sleeping. Now it’s finally summer and all my motivation to do anything is gone. I could easily just stay in my apartment […]

The workload is unbelievable. This was my first year. The crap I went through in college should have made me not want this job, but I never saw myself doing anything else. Grading papers is pure torture for me. I want it all out of my life. It makes me want to lay in bed and do absolutely nothing. I don’t know how I manage to get out of bed every morning. I hate mornings. I don’t want to live to see another morning. I don’t want to hear any more “good mornings.” No more. I don’t know why I have this job. I love […]

then I should be dead, by all means. I die every day without him. I never thought I’d be this kind of desperate, the pathetic kind that I swore I’d never become. I was always so good at getting over guys. All except the two I must’ve really fallen in love with. It just doesn’t make sense.

I live with this pain every day. Anytime I think about the days I got to see him whenever I wanted. Anytime I drive by that ice cream place we went to together one time and it was amazing. Anytime I go to work and do my job. I’m […]

…ending your life was as easy as overloading on sugar. I would’ve killed myself like 1000 times over in my adult life alone. Too bad I’m not allergic to peanut butter or some other food. One jar of Skippy would be all it takes.