Sometimes the littlest change, the stupidest most insignificant thing in my life can make me wish I was dead. Like right now, I’m watching the Tonight show and Jimmy fallon has this overgrown, hideous mustache that I have never seen before. I honestly thought it was fake at first. I don’t even know when it happened. Seriously, he looked so much better clean shaven. I guess I haven’t watched the tonight show in forever, being a teacher and being so busy working and sleeping. Now it’s finally summer and all my motivation to do anything is gone. I could easily just stay in my apartment for days. I’m not actively suicidal, haven’t been in a long time. But I hate my life. I don’t know why sometimes. I have my freedom finally in my own apartment. But freedom isn’t really freedom when this world smothers you and makes you hate the things you love. I hate the fact that I am inadequate in some aspects of my job. I hate that what I am able to do isn’t enough for me. I hate mornings. I don’t want to live to see another morning. I hate saying good morning. I don’t even say good morning, I just say hi. I hate so many things about my life and this world. This world is utterly pointless. It needs to burn.
I’ve said this before, and one thing I should be extremely grateful for is that I don’t have any kids. Nobody who needs me. Nobody who depends on me. Thank goodness for that, at least. I watch some of my family members who are not much older than me and have like 3 or 4 kids. It’s unbelievable to me, how you can even have enough strength or willpower in you to care for all these little people when you’re just barely getting your own self together. To say that it’s selfish to remain childless is like saying it’s selfish to be unable to abandon your career and travel the world to do humanitarian work. IF YOU CAN’T AFFORD IT, YOU CAN’T AFFORD IT. IF YOU DON’T HAVE ENOUGH MOTIVATION TO DO IT, DON’T TRY TO DO IT. YOU WILL END UP DOING MORE HARM THAN GOOD. Kids who are born to people who either don’t want them or can’t afford them or both would have been far better off not being born at all. It’s a travesty. I don’t even know what that word really means but I’m pretty sure I used it correctly.
My life is a trainwreck. It might look good on paper but try keeping up with it in my useless body and mind. I am useless. Kill me.
4 comments
Well of course watching priveledged folk on television is going to make you feel like shit about yourself. Who wouldn’t it make feel like shit? Do something fun this summer. I have started a band like I’ve always wanted to since middle school, named it, wrote songs, will never be able to afford the instruments I want or to be able to record it, but at least it’s good! And I can keep dreaming about the day I get it recorded!!
Yes, you did. Noun: a false, absurd, or distorted representation of something. Verb: represent in a false, absurd, or distorted way.
You must have very high standards for what constitutes a useful body and mind. I try to concentrate on being “good enough.” It saves me a ton of grief.
Yes, it is crazy that people label childless women as selfish.
Username123, I am glad you found something to do and you feel better. It’s very hard to reach this point if you are suicidal. Keep finding constructive things to do. You will feel much better in the end. It worked for me.
I never watch television because it made me feel so empty. I think reading a good book can give you a sweet memory.