Ive thought it over time and time again but can never figure out the words to put out on paper. I just think it’s time I move on and just pray that God will forgive me when I see him. And today is the day. I cant live with this chaos within. I cant hold on for more hope. Their eyes all say the same thing. I will give them the realease of the burden Ive become. These pills make my heart thump hard and I can feel it becoming harder to breathe. Im trying to be brave and believe that this time they work. […]
Relapse. When I think of the word relapse it makes me take pause. When I say it out loud it leaves a bitter feeling in my heart. The way my heart feels like it’s being pulled from my chest when the burden of reality sets in. I think how hard I worked to stop. I think of all the tiny little slips that I have had over the years. But a true relapse has never been something I’ve encountered until the last year.
Now I have fresh scars, which brings forth new shame. It reopens old wounds, insecurities, doubt, shame and brings forward a dark reality. […]
I feel a distance
A disconnect
A million miles apart
My heart beat stings as it thumps inside my chest
With every beat I feel I am reminded of all the things in life that I’ve failed
Of all the things I’m ungrateful for
I see these children that have my dna
And I feel nothing on the daily except for sorrow
I hate that I’ve put them here
Hate that I’m selfish
Sometimes when I think about the life that’s growing inside I wish it would go away
And I immediately feel guilty
Because they never asked to make it their home
No, it was my own stupidity that got me here
When I laid down and let […]
I feel like I’m stuck in this odd living limbo
Being torn between the desire to live and watch you grow
Or die and help you heal
My love for you three is pure
But my brain spoils it for you
It’s sick and decaying
Trapping me inside it as it try’s to drag me down into the pits of hell
My love is light and full of hope that flutters me to the surface of the darkness
Every harsh word and cold exchange tears a piece of the good in you away
I see the pain rise up to your faces when the darkness […]
I have suffered from depression since I was 10 years old. I’m almost 26 years old and all I can think about it how exhausting it is. Today is a hard day for me. I have done nothing but sit and think of how badly I want “lights out” It’s an overwhelming feeling to have to make your body live. There are so few things that are keeping my feet planted on the earth these days. I have 3 children, all of which are under 8 years old, and i am struggling hard to not justify my desires. I’ve thought about what I would say […]