I have suffered from depression since I was 10 years old. I’m almost 26 years old and all I can think about it how exhausting it is. Today is a hard day for me. I have done nothing but sit and think of how badly I want “lights out” It’s an overwhelming feeling to have to make your body live. There are so few things that are keeping my feet planted on the earth these days. I have 3 children, all of which are under 8 years old, and i am struggling hard to not justify my desires. I’ve thought about what I would say in the letters to each of them and how I would explain myself. How I could answer any questions about me that they’d ever have as life for them moves on and goes forward. I never wanted to be this person. All I think about is how I’m such an idiot for having children . Because regardless if I stay or go there are consequences that will hurt and pull at them. I don’t want my kids to see me sick but I don’t want them to see me dead….
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Your life is not your own now, it belongs to your kids (until they’re 18). Whether you regret your decisions or not, you owe it to them to own up to it. If you leave them, they’ll know you don’t love them enough to stay. If you haven’t seek professional help yet, please help yourself to help your kids.
I too was an idiot for reproducing and fathering innocent children. You don’t want your kids to see you sick and you don’t want them to see you dead, I get that. This is an agonizing question because just as you said there are consequences for them whether you live or die. My I put forward a few ideas? I don’t know you so I am going to put out some comments that I hope provide some insight.
If you are not abusing them physically or verbally berating them or terrorizing them or minimizing them and the like, you get the picture, in other words if you are a decent mother who is in great pain that does not wish to put her children in at least considerable (or greater) pain then you might justifiably elect to stay alive a bit longer.
But if you are obviously overtly damaging them or neglecting them then their best interest might lie in your departure, but of course, I am not there and I really really don’t know what the case may be. I used to wish for my mother’s death as she was vicious toward us kids but I doubt you are such a person.
I now have grand children and I still wonder should I go or should I stay or should I have gone long ago or…hell I don’t know.
That’s the issue. There used to be a time when I could function and give them love. Now I’m just angry all the time. There are times where I slip and I say or do things that I shouldn’t to them. They are better off without me because every time it happens I see their heart break, which just shatters mine. I wish I could let go, for them. What a nightmare they are living in and absolutely no one for me to reach out to for their sake.
First a comment or two, Then a question or two, ok? So after just over three years of therapy today I can safely say I am pretty well past being habitually or indiscriminately angry. Before starting therapy I was loaded up with anger and did many a thing I would regret.
I can imagine you r pain at knowing you are causing pain. Ouch.
Questions, what likely happens with your kids, if I may ask, if you were to expire?
Is therapy even a remotely possible option for you? Even if by phone or email?
There dad and I are still together so I would imagine they would just continue life with him. But that alone is a reason for me trying to keep my feet anchored, I do not trust him to raise them. Therapy is sort of an option and something I’m trying to make a possibility. We are currently going to couples counseling and that is expensive even with insurance.
As someone who never could have children I won’t say that I relate. But I have seen people struggle with both mental and physical illnesses while raising kids and often with little help and I can empathize that it must be extremely difficult. Having to deal with our own depression can be enough, but to have to care for others at the same time must feel intolerable at times. However, people tend to blame themselves for another’s suicide, wondering if they could have done something different or if they did something wrong. For a child I think that would be even worst. I hope you’re able to find a way to get help and support.
It’s hard. I feel like I’m breaking hearts and causing damage regardless my decision.