I’ve known him for five months. We met in a psych ward. We try to hang out every week, usually three days a week that I spend at his place. I’ve met his family. Cooked and baked with him. We have fun together, we laugh together, and we have sex. I remember when we started this thing, he mentioned no strings attached. Is friendship a string? Scared of breaking this illusion.
It’s been a while so here’s the run down of the shit storm.
Last year, I started focusing on my mental health a lot more. I went to the doctor and tried several medications, signed up for therapy, finished high school and tried to fucking relax. However, the medications made my depression worse, nearly making me go insane, I swear I was on the brink of killing myself. Had had just one therapy session before my ex broke up with me. It was too much stress for him I guess. He avoided me when I tried to get an explanation and I had to get […]
I am in so much fucking pain right now. And I have to work today. I don’t know if I’ll be able to fucking walk. My back pain is excruciating and I feel short of breath. My ribs keep popping and sliding. I can hardly move at times. I should have gone to the doctor years ago. It’s never gotten this bad, though. Pretty sure it’s scoliosis. Fuck me. Wai.
Took some hydroxozine so hopefully I’ll be able to sleep. It’s just so difficult without Anthony around. He’s asleep right now and he didn’t answer my calls. I needed someone to take my mind of […]
I miss him so much. The apartment is so cold without him. He’ll visit me on Monday and Tuesday. Living without him with me is so weird.
Mom friend, only a year older than me surprisingly, has helped me more than anyone has in certain ways. Taking me shopping, giving me rides, paying my high school summer classes so I can graduate. I am ungrateful. I really almost fucked up.
I am taking summer classes in order to graduate high school and I almost fucked up. Today was the due date, but technically, I have until Sunday. Damage is done, though. I told her I wouldn’t make it, told her I’d pay her back, then she dropped me. Told me to buy her $200 jeans to make up for it. Then Anthony called […]
Picture of my niece. Happy-ish days.
Rage is what I’ve been feeling since my dad visited two weeks ago. One month without talking to me or trying to reach out. The hardest month yet. The month I started my antidepressants. The month I constantly called him, remembering that he had promised me to be there for me, even if it was 2:00 am. One night, it was 2:00 am and I was holding all of my medication in my hands. It was painful. There was a war inside my head. Trying to die is mentally painful. I called him 10 times. Voicemail every time.
I was crying, of course. I don’t hold […]
I live by minutes now. Not hours, nor days, but minutes. And those minutes are like seconds, and the days feel like hours. I blink, takes too much time. I read, five hours go by. Where did my time go? I’m not here right now. I’m still back there in the past. I am still a child. I cannot be eighteen, it doesn’t feel right. Innocence, did I ever know you? Did you ever leave? I’m standing still. Stay with me.
I’ve been trying to surround myself with things that I used to love, such as drawing and singing. My name is officially on the program for the Honors recital at the community college, which is two weeks from now. I’ll be singing Vedrai Carino, a Mozart piece. Yesterday I sketched for the first time in two years. I kept myself from quitting choir, something I loved just a week ago, something that feels unfamiliar now. I attended auditions on Friday for the musical at the community college. I used to get a rush out of auditions and it just left me feeling empty and violated […]
It’s been a very, very long time. Last time I posted something, I was a freshman in high school and my mom had just left.
I am now a senior in high school, hoping to graduate, and struggling. I somehow turned into one of those kids that don’t try in school. The ones that go to school with bruised knuckles after having punched a wall out of anger. I thought that was incredibly stupid of them. Now I’m typing with bruised knuckles, a result of anger. Not anger at the life that was given me, but at myself.
So much crap has happened over the years, so […]
Every day, I see beautiful people around me. People with straight, pearly white teeth. People with skin as soft as satin and blemish free. They have everything in their hands, and they know it. Even I have to admit that beautiful people have the upper hand in life, because, hell, who doesn’t like looking at a pretty face?
My skin is disgusting compared to theirs. It’s spotted with scars. Trust me, scabies and a skin picking problem do not go well together. Now the scabies are gone, but the scars and scabs have been there for two years.
It’s almost as if God has decided that I […]
Do you guys think panic attacks are…wimpy? My mom does. Actually, I just had one a moment ago. She says she doesn’t want tantrums at her house. I can’t help it though. I’ll start hyperventilating, and suddenly I start screaming my head off. I’m so stressed I can’t take it anymore! These attacks just come and go. Anything can trigger them. Every time I have one, I just feel so weak and worthless. But this time I almost got my razor out. I don’t even have anything to be depressed about. I have no right to be depressed!