Have you ever loved two people at once? What even is love? Am i just depressed? is that why whoever makes me smile at the moment is who i want? Ive been with my girlfriend for a year and a half, and i don’t know if i feel the way i used to waking up in the morning. We still have fun the way we used to. We still laugh, we still have amazing sex. But then sometimes i wonder if she is just amazing sex that i was infatuated with. Can i build a life with her. Can i marry her? I am a […]
But she hasnt left me. Shes still with me. Whatever that means. It still feels like a break up because regardless of what she says she doesnt love me or want me anymore. So i’m left once again. I always knew it was my fault, i’m not someone people want in their lives, i dont have a purpose to anyone anymore. I’m going to be alone my whole life because no one wants someone they have to try to love. and its my fault.
this website i mean. I dont know what it is. Maybe because i see all kinds of people who share the same ideas and preconceptions of the world i do. believe me, i dont take pleasure in anyones pain. but coming here is always comforting.
I know I said I was going to do it, and hey! I might have. But she found out. And took the pills and my razor blades, and then last week i sat in a bathroom stall and tried to make myself slit my wrists open. The new razor blades are insanely sharp and definitely capable of doing the job, and i got scared. I dont know why im so terrified of death yet i want it to be over so badly. Im so overwhelmed. I dont feel anything. I dont see my future anymore. And every other thought is some sort of awful ideation. […]
I want to go home first though. I want to spend another night with her, I want to be happy one last time.
Im afraid. Im afraid that theres going to be nothing but this awful existence.