In 3rd grade, I was told by my doctor that I had anxieties. I was going home from school everyday sick to my stomach due to my constant worrying. My father hadn’t contacted me in awhile and it was the first thing that had me worried so bad at a young age. I was making myself really sick and I’d have panic attacks. As I got older, I struggled with more teenage problems. My anxieties were at an ultimate high. I’m sixteen years old and can barely drive a car because I get worried about everything I’m doing and I have a panic attack and start doing stupid stuff (I once started driving on the left side of the road..). When I have a panic attack, my breathing hitches, I start to get dizzy and my heart rate speeds up. I can’t do anything bad because I start to freak out. While most of my friends have at least gotten drunk or high once, I’ve done nothing. Not saying I want to become a bad kid, I don’t. I just want to be normal. This past year has been really hard because I’m being expected to grow up and make decisions for myself. And I can’t. It’s a lot to handle and I freak out. My anxieties are preventing me from trying to grow up and be like everyone else. I just wish I could push them aside and think normally but I can’t. I’ve tried so hard. And I think people don’t understand that it’s mental. It’s like a set thing in your mind. It’s all you know. You can’t change it. Does anyone know how I feel? Does anyone have advice to help cope with it before I drive myself insane? Please help..I can’t do this on my own…
My boyfriend talks a lot of shit about my mom. I hate it. Yeah sometimes I’ll complain when she doesn’t let me go do something, but I get over it. I love my mom more than anything, I probably would’ve killed myself that time I was about to attempt it, but then I remembered my mom. My mom is everything to me, and I hate the fact that my boyfriend talks so much shit about her. I’ve told him to stop but he doesn’t. I don’t think it’s okay for him to do that. I tell him that if I wanted his opinion I would’ve asked for it. He just gets more mad and blows up on me. Like, screams at me. I love him, but I love my mom also. And I’m just stuck between and I just don’t know what to do:( I have anxieties so bad I make myself sick by accident and it’s happening right now. This is putting so much stress I don’t need on my shoulders and I just..don’t know how to fix this…
My boyfriend sings me You Are My Sunshine every night before I go to sleep. Â And he’s tone deaf. But it’s that simple thing, that small gesture, that makes me feel a little better about myself. I know I’m not near as bad as I used to be, I haven’t had one of my episodes in a few weeks. I really just feel like I need to make the better of situations, I need to stop being negative and holding onto the past. Maybe it was my fault I’ve been this way? In some ways it was, and in other ways, it wasn’t.
I haven’t thought of suicide as much. It crosses my mind, but I push it away. I’m staying strong and I’m not letting depression win. This is my battle, and I plan on winning it.
She put the knife to her soul
She needs a sweet release
She needs somebody
She digs in deep, revealing all her secrets
She knows her time was wasted
She put the pills in her mouth
She let’s death sit on her tongue
She needs some love
She needs to breathe
She drives at a tree
She wants realization to come at her at once
She hates feeling worthless
She hates the dreadful feeling of guilt
She wants the light to overwhelm her body
She wants to be taken away
She is hit by it all
She is gone
She was wrong
She just needed to love
She needed to be loved.
My boyfriend and I just got in a fight. Beginning because I wouldn’t send him pictures. He got mad because I sent ONE to a kid over a year ago, as I went through my freshman slut phase. I told him it was a mistake and not to talk about. But he kept dwelling on it. I started crying because this is what it causing my pain again. People bringing up the old me and bashing on me. He kept asking why I was crying and I just kept telling him he wouldn’t understand. Finally, I reminded him of my depression, which he then reminded me he once held a gun to his mouth. I told him is has different affects on different people. He kept yelling at me and I told him to stop acting like he knew everything. I hung up on him. He texted me, “This is why you’re the immature one. Because you do stuff like this.” I hate this. I just wish I had someone who wouldn’t fight with me nonstop everyday. I always see those happy couples who sometimes squabble over something silly. I bet they don’t fight over the stuff my boyfriend and I do. We almost broke up in the heat of the fight that started because I was sniffing while I had my cold and he was trying to watch a movie. Just..why? I hate hanging out with my only guy friend sometimes because I can’t help but wonder, would we fight if we dated? Would he treat me this way? And I have to shake the thought away because I’m “in love” with my boyfriend. And I am. I’m in love with the good in him that I get to see sometimes. And I have a deep hatred for the bad side in him because he yells at me and insults me. I’m beginning to wonder about him being bipolar or having a slight case of multiple personality disorder. The psychology teacher at my school explained some small symptoms of it, which he matches almost too perfectly. But then I remember, he grew up without a dad due to him being drugged out, so he was raised with 3 girls and no male influences. So of course he’d be somewhat moody and sensitive, and have my lady friends than guy friends. But here I am, making up these dumb excuses like it’s okay what he said to me 5 minutes ago. And it’s not okay. If I can feel my tear-stained cheeks, it’s not okay.
I know I may not have the perfect ski slope nose…the perfectly proportioned body. My feet are far too big for my body. I lack hips. I have a big nose. I have braces. I have creepishly long fingers. I have no waist line. I’m short. I KNOW THIS. And I just..I know, okay? I don’t need anyone to point out my flaws. I know what they are. I hate when people point them out. I hate when people complain about something that I know is a flaw of mine. It makes me feel embarrassed. I just want to curl up and die because while my best friend is looking like a Barbie, I just look like her stupid wanna be follower. She’s platinum blonde, skinny, tan, blue eyes, long eyelashes. I’m a brunette, I’m not skinny but not chubby, I’m pale, I have hazel eyes, I have thin eye lashes. I coat my face in make up like it’s going to change me. But it doesn’t. I’m still Sydney. Sydney with a big nose, big feet, braces, no hips, and long fingers. I just question why I had to be this way. And of course the technical reason of genes from my parents cross my mind. God, to be like the athletic, toned, gorgeous girls. If only.
I really thought the bullying had ended…I really did. I thought everyone made mistakes. so why does everyone dwell on that? Tell me I’m nasty…that I’m a whore, slut, and worst..nothing. It’s one thing to call someone a slut or *****…but to tell someone they’re nothing..Sorry I guess you didn’t know I already knew about that. JUST when I was starting to get better. I hadn’t self-harmed in over 2 weeks. I deleted my Instagram, I’m refusing to get on Twitter. Lucky I still get on Facebook, which is only to talk to my dad who doesn’t live with me. Social networks weren’t made to put someone down so WHY? Why do they put me down? I just…can’t..