nothing
there I was on the beach, it was around 5:30 AM, I had been drinking, reflecting on my life and experiences, getting ready to do the deed (my shotgun was hidden in a tennis racket bag) when all of a sudden this man come’s walking on by (looked to be in his mid-thirties). I was very surprised because It was still pretty dark outside and pretty dead out with no people but we both make eye contact and say ‘Hey’. I think it’s going to end there but it doesn’t, he asks me what I’m doing all alone on the beach, and I replied with […]
just going to sit on the beach by the lake.. be there around 4:30 AM so there isn’t much people there. Going to watch the sun come up one last time, have a drink or two, and my Remington will do the last of work. Goodbye, I’ve finally fucking grown the balls to do this, farewell and to all those struggling I wish you the best.
ps. Sorry for whoever finds my corpse. I know it’s gonna look pretty fucked up. I can’t help it.
Just nothing like it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l6W_0B1nDvw
Lyrics:
In woeful throes of youthful lust,
I held my breath as you held my hand.
Heart to heart, flesh to flesh,
honesty, emotion long repressed.
Confidence and poise that I could never imitate
as you led me down the stairs to where my hopes had lied in wait.
This is how I choose to remember you,
in the light of some hallway I’d never know again.
“Please stay with me.”
And even though our words were wasted, they had never been more true.
Your gentle wrists, your sacred smile. Each longing breath, I take for you.
Lyrics:
Gathered like sheep
Mindless like these walls
You’re expected to fit the mold
and kill with a blindfold
Devastated cultures
Justified by “protection”
This is how you win your elections
By occupying
These damaged homes
Generalized
To be a threat
To our privileged lives
Explain to me
The meaning of genocide
Cause in my eyes
That’s what I’m seeing
“So line em up
One by one
And some have fun
Killing everyone”
Who elected these right wing nuts?
With a bloodlust for every country that’s not like us.
(I tried hard to be proud of my service, but all I could feel was shame.
Racism could […]
I have drugs and alcohol. They’re like my fake friends. They are something that will never judge me, order me around, harass me. They are fake stimulation for this fake fucking world. Give me my beer and xanax and leave me the fuck alone.
I don’t even fucking care anymore wooo, I will never stop drinking, never ever. So much for that bullshit Effexor therapy I was trying, made me feel even worse than I already do. I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m on a warpath until I die and nobody out there in the world better fuck with me ’cause I don’t have shit to lose.
“he has a big nose, his eyes are too far apart, he looks weird, his hair is fucked, he’s too fat, he’s too short, he’s not muscular enough, he’s not cool enough, he doesn’t have a good enough job, he has a shitty car, he has a shitty apartment, he doesn’t have enough friends, he doesn’t have enough hobbies, god his life must suck.”
– The Human Race
The goods: Sleeping patterns and grogginess in the morning significantly improved even with my Xanax, Restoril and Seroquel taken right before bedtime and those usually leave me feeling pretty sluggish the morning after. Energy levels have improved somewhat, slight restless feeling mirrored with a slight feeling of being content. Less flashbacks and bad memories so far.
The bads: Dry mouth/throat, some hotflashes, some heart palpitations, impotence, content feeling but at the same time not happy and still feel like I have even more motivation to kill myself. I guess it’s like a trade, my body feels energetic and my mind feels a bit clearer but at […]
Effexor really does kill your sex drive which is fine by me ’cause it’s not like i’m getting laid anyways. It kinda masks the loneliness feeling away, I don’t even care about being with someone. But seriously trying to jack off takes like 40 minutes and sometimes I don’t even cum o.o. This is on 75 mg a day I wonder what it’s gonna be like when I’m on 225 lmao.
I go running everyday, lift weights, and try and eat healthy because from what I’ve experienced nobody likes a fat fuck. Healthy body healthy mind I suppose. Effexor day 1 so good so far, noticed a slight increase in motivation and energy, could be a placebo effect I’m not sure but I definitely feel more content. The next few days are gonna suck balls thought ’cause no boooooooze :(. Glad I got benzos to help me get to sleep from this fucking stupid ass withdrawal.
New start for me, just finished off the rest of my booze and starting my medication therapy of Effexor tomorrow!!! I know I made a previous thread about this topic but I just wanted to say a few more words. I really hope I succeed this time and don’t relapse and that I react well to the Effexor. Big life changes comin’ up for me, now if I could just have that much needed confidence to face the world without fear I’ll be set. Always a work in progress I suppose. Fuck even my own optimism is annoying me lmao, sorry folks.
Well I’m currently struggling with alcoholism, I love it so much and hate it at the same time. I’m trying to think of a way to regulate or cease consumption of it all together. I know from experience I just can’t have a “couple of drinks”, I’m an alcoholic, it’s never just a couple. Can’t drink only on weekend because it just starts to extend into the weekdays. I have to stop. But how am I going to stop? I guess I’m gonna have to wean myself off, my current concoction that I usually drink is about 12 ounces of whiskey/gin/ or vodka, and about […]
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“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.””
I’m such a fucking stupid pill-head alcoholic piece of trash. I wish I never would’ve touched the bottle or drugs when I was growing up, my mine has been warped and I just can’t stop drinking. I drink to numb myself and my feelings and thoughts. All I know is that when I’m going to kill myself I sure as fuck ain’t gonna be sober.
Thought I’d take the effort to upload it to youtube, this song is just stunningly beautiful.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VwzTEq9CUGQ
Lyrics:
Call me crazy but maybe this seems a little movie like
This whole saying goodbye
This whole frozen in time thing
“Well it’s better to have loved..” I keep telling myself
Well anything is better than this
There comes a time when you realise
That it’s better to let go of a dove than watch it become the vulture
We pray that this won’t eat us up
To every chapter written be thankful it was a part of the book at all
There’s a lot of blood in the ink
There’s […]
Bad luck never leaves.
Your jinx just floats around
Like the taste inside your mouth,
or the sound when your skull cracks.
Feel the growing pains.
It means you’re growing up too fast.
Telling white lies to black cats.
Stretch me out across the tracks.
While you were sleeping I was blood red,
sharp as a knife inside your stomach.
I’m squeezing tight; don’t let the light in.
No medicine.
Daydream tendencies had you smiling soft and sweet.
Keep those blurry memories somewhere safe-
you may need them.
You can make a wish,
but there’s no rabbit out the hat.
Realize it’s never coming back.
While you were […]