seriously hate this fucking world… fuck every single one of you.
trying to say that people should look within for validation and start helping themselves with basic amounts of foresight deserves to be censored. Hah. What an absolute joke.
I remember when I really used to care about how other people felt when I was with them… either as a relationship or just a friendship. I really used to give so much of a fuck about every little detail, and show far too much empathy towards them. I guess I’m becoming calloused, because nowadays. I do not give a single fuck about who enters my life, or leaves it. I’m free. My own entity. I’ve transcended beyond love and companionship. I know it may sound selfish but if It’s not convenient for me to do it, I will not do it. Ever. I do not care about the consequences. I live my life the way I want to. I’ve wasted FAR too much brainspace over the years about this fickle bullshit of trying to appease everyone I meet. Well, no more. I’m done. I do not give a fuck about anyone in this worthless world except myself. And I’m proud. It’s just a shame that I never realized this sooner. NOBODY will have your back except yourself so stop expecting shit from other people. This life a fucking game, play it however you choose and never let back. Indulge and enjoy yourself. Make money. Be superficial because who gives a fuck. If you don’t enjoy life the way you want to, then you’re a fucking douchebag.
I was a heroin addict. According to “Trainspotting” it’s better than sex. It must be a pretty fucking good feeling if people are willing to risk and wreck their lives over it.
part of suicide is not having to wake up with a hangover ;).
do I fucking psychoanalyze things to the point where I drive myself in-fucking-sane? It’s always there. That retarded voice in my head saying “Oh you should’ve done this” or “You shouldn’t do that”. I feel like my head is going to explode with all the useless gibberish AND CRAP in it. Most of my thoughts are very nonconstructive and have no positive benefit to my well being at all, yet I still obsess and contemplate all day long. I really can’t take much more of this. It’s going to be a fucking beautiful day when I can just stop thinking… forever. Oh how I long for such a day. I just need to leave this Earth peacefully and swiftly… Most suicidal people have been through so much the last thing they want to experience IS MORE FUCKING PAIN! Right? I think so. God, suicide is such an inviting idea to think about. What’s not to like? It’s an ultimate release of everything you’ve ever thought of, thinking of, and are going to think of. It’s an emergency off switch for when things get too overwhelming. It takes a tremendous amount of willpower to go through with a suicide so don’t let anyone tell you it’s “for the weak” because it isn’t and it’s the furthest thing from that. I just want to be high/drunk when I exit life. I refuse to die sober and just want it to feel like a nightmare is finally ending. The sweet release of DMT should entail a nice trip when I cross over to the other side as well. Maybe there will be an afterlife? Who fucking knows. I’m agnostic. I’ll find out when I die I guess. But for the time being if there’s any God listening, I wanna tell you that you have failed horribly with your grand design and what society has become is a perversion of human instincts and fundamentals. So fuck you.
went fairly well. Got some stuff done, picked up my medications. Finally feeling like some progress is being made… but this fucking loneliness just eats away like cancer. It’s unbearable how empty I am inside and how much I wish this was all just a bad dream and it would just finally be over. Maybe there really is nothing great that’s going to happen in my future and maybe one day I will grow the balls to finally off myself but in the meantime I survive in this void, and this abyss is my home for now… peace.
has to go exactly as planned or the consequences will be severe. He has to say exactly what I want to hear and I have to convey particularly what I want to get across. In the meantime the anxiety is making me go nuts, so I have ripped my skin open again with a razor to bring me back to reality. Everything rides on how it goes tomorrow. If things don’t go my way I have stockpiled a massive amount of medications and I plan on attempting to take my life, if I survive MAYBE PEOPLE WILL FUCKING LISTEN TO ME instead of just turning the other way any time I try to speak up. Stupid fucks. They want to pigeonhole me into being this idiot that’s suicidal with anger problems and that’s “unfixable”. Well hey, I’ll tell you what, I know exactly what you’re thinking and I know exactly what your intentions are you hollow motherfuckers. I’ve been around the block a few times and am the furthest thing from naive. You want to fuck with me? Oh please do… I have absolutely nothing to lose, I do not care about going to jail for whatever is going to come. I’ve already been dead for 10 years, like I said… nothing to lose…
I would watch you rrot.
I cut myself pretty badly last weekend, did a bit of stabbing on my forearm and hit an artery. I panicked and called the suicide hotline who instructed me to call 911 because my arm was wrapped in a towel and bleeding a lot (maybe half a litre by the time I got help) . So I did. I had been drinking and things weren’t particularly clear and I picked up my knife and went to the park nearby where I told them I would be. I took the knife with me because I wanted to cut myself again at the hospital or I was going to brandish it and commit suicide by cop. I was still on the phone with the 911 operator sounding really panicked and she instructed me and calmed me down enough to put the knife down near the closest recycling bin and I did.
Well there I was… at the park at around 1 am. The cops show up behind me (I’m sitting at the park benches) and I hear a voice say put your hands up. So I do and glance behind my shoulder to see they have their weapons drawn which makes my heart almost beat out of my chest. That feeling where I know whatever action I take next is my ultimate decision. I could’ve went forward and got that knife and been shot. But I didn’t. But knowing that feeling that I hold my own fate was… beautiful. For once in a very long time my own life was in my hands…
So I end up in the hospital. Get stitched up and assessed and they think I’m okay to go home.. so I get a cab and go home. And here I am. Back on SP to share with you all. Just another day in my life until my inevitable end.
I’m just a fuck up.
I’m no one.
I am the epitome of everything you should never wanna be.
I lack the coping skills for every day life.
And I struggle just to speak to the people who know me best.
I smile on the surface just to hide whats really on my chest.
I take it all.
I never give.
You wanna be me?
Its easy , you just have to be a piece of shit.
I believe something is so
Fundamentally wrong with
What we value as important today
And i hope that you who are here tonight
Will reconsider your choices
Before our losses are just too great
Miss you. Not too deep tonight… don’t want to go any further but I have to. I have to do this…
I was so starry eyed
I had my hopes up high
They always said “you’ll shine”
I guess one day I’ll try
My mother said that men don’t cry, she had my hopes (up) so high
I can’t go on this way.
Let my chains and hate, wash away in the rain.
Heal myself, I have to change.
I can’t go on this way.
Negativity pouring from me, I just wanna be healthy.
Positivity escapes me.
Addiction, depression and obsession; a life not worth living at all.
It’s time to give all my fight, gotta find a way to cope with this life.
Gotta learn to say goodbye, to the past and those who didn’t survive.
Take this chance, to burn bright.
Not another shadow lost in the night, gotta make a few things right,
Before I lay my head the final time.
If it were up to me I would never have come back that night.
Stay for those who care.
Mike, you saved my life.
I’ll make it worth it.
I’ll never walk out again.
I take back all I said.
Animation ain’t the greatest but still awesome. A song and video about not giving a fuck. Cheers.
Woman in the middle of the diner, Mother in the middle of the aisle
A new bloom of flowers start to grow for you & me, on a plain outside
Admitted on the 14th ’cause of a public display of emotion
A notion of heartache & agony pushing, a bouquet of brusque when they say you need not worry so much.
“But how can’t I worry my Son’s only five I’m his Mother & I won’t be a part of his life, I won’t be there to see him grow or give him advice or watch him trade me off for a wife, I won’t be there when he gives life; I don’t want to say goodbye”
What makes you happy, what makes you happy in your head? Is it all the souls you gather around you? When you’re sitting in the Hospice.
Endlessly tired as they say, in the waiting room whispering
We’ll keep you in our prayers, “we’ll keep you in our prayers” is how the conversation ends
If flowers could kill the open arms of Death my weathered hands & I, would grow a field of them but it’s Friday afternoon
Your Son will finish school & he’ll be here to visit you, but before they’re about to wheel you to your routine Friday afternoon
The nurse approaches with a cloud above his head & a paper grave in his hand, with an expiration date for you.
“I’m bored of being scared to die, you’ll stay forever in the moonlight
So let’s be nothing, I heard it lasts forever
That one memory, you’ll refuse to remember”
To end the journey was something no Child nor Human should see
An pleasant wave of gloom & sorrow partnered with years & years of misery
Who will break the silence on his Friday routine & fill his heart with what he needs?
From the day until his Death 65 maybe 70 he’ll only have one thing
An address, grass, etched stone & a cemetery
He’ll confide to it, yet still holding solitude so bleak
He came to this place every Friday, just after 3:00pm to Forever set in stone his Friday routine
A Sister, a Daughter but mainly a Mother.
Resting In Peace.