Escaping to Montreal, Canada. A little hop over the provincial border, eh? Canada’s theatre and fashion capital. A whole different world. I have no plan other than faith.
Alleur mes ami. Bonne chance!
He calls me Raymond.
ANYBODY WHO KNOWS SALTS CONTACT EMAIL ME AT HANG_U_LANG@HOTMAIL.COM OR just write it here. Also, Salt if you read this email me or comment your skype or number. I’mma call you. I have international calling I believe. I can skype you for sure. Fuck everybody in my city and in my life. I want an outside opinion.
ive always been pretty fuckin cocky. but i mean with a mind and body like mine i cant fuckin help it i mean cmon haha. I’ve never felt more in charge of my life and myself than I have since the night of the full moon two nights ago. I looked up and let Dyana go. Dyana is my twin spirit. she latched onto me in the womb to save herself out of fear. so i’d naturally been carrying and protecting her my whole goddamn life. Talk about confusing huh. 26 years of being two people in one body. fuckin nuts man. finally shes gone. or starting to unlatch. thank fuck. im tired of you dyana but u served ur purpose but i still want you the fuck outta my life honestly. durty dyana.
“What’s your plan?”
I don’t have one.
“You’re trusting providence.”
“You get angry and blow up at the slightest criticism of yourself, constructive or not. You can’t accept any from anybody.” She said observantly.
No. I don’t.
People criticize what they don’t understand.
“Well, you’re going to have to learn. Learn to accept advice.”
No. I never will.
“Why not? You are suffering.”
We all suffer. We only ask for advice when we feel lost. I’ve never needed advice from anybody. Life, is all about learning we have all the answers we’ve ever needed inside of ourselves. Truth is we’re never lost. We only feel it.
“You can still come here; we aren’t kicking you out. We can still be friends.”
I stared into her eyes as i felt like James Dean in the Sunset sky.
She walked into the house…
I looked across the street.
Tonight marks a new chapter. I’m finished here at this bunker here. Pitched a tent for a month in the backyard of a “friend’s” parent’s house. Time has run it’s course. Quit my job today too and I never felt more empowered. Fuck that piece of shit job. People come to me. I don’t go door to door begging people to listen to me. That isn’t what a prince does. That’s not what a star does. Not me anyway. People come to me.
My cheque comes in some time tonight. I so want to run away again. This time to Spain to walk the Santiago de Compostella pilgrimage journey. But I don’t think now is the right time. We’ll see what I feel tomorrow but something will come up and direct my way tomorrow. I’m sure of it. Flights go for about a 1100$ to Spain from here. Most of my cheque would be gone and I got some pressing debts on my ass. Again, fuck debt and we’ll see. That nervous energy for what tomorrow will bring is what’s keeping me up though. I should try to sleep.
money isnt even good. plus disability steals a bunch of it. fuck off. the system is absolute bullshit and people are fuckers. treat you like a piece of shit when you show up at their door. i DESERVE to be heard and DEMAND the time. im not to be fucked with and thrown aside like some common peasant. fuck this job. fuck the people i work with. i cant stand most of them. theres this one girl who pisses me right off. just annoying as fuck. like shut the fuck up fuck. she thinks she can lead the crew. no woman tells me what to do especially when shes same rank as me. she just pisses me off. im fuckin sick and tired of not voicing my thoughts and revealing my genius and thus showing how stupid people can be for fear of making people look stupid. I cant help it if im super intelligent. fuck off its a curse.
shitty sleep last night. is it canada or am i in the gaza strait? cant fuckin tell. could be hell. believe it or not in real life im a man of few words. i like silence more than speaking. people listen more when you choose your words wisely. but when i get right pissed i explode or smash a wall. fuckin fire in my chest goddammit.
Fuck, I hope this video brings you to tears like it did for me. I’m feeling pretty emotional right now because I’ve made it farther than I ever thought I would. Today begins my goal to train for a half marathon in September. Run this with me. Set some sort of goal for yourself with me. Whether it’s as simple as waking up a bit earlier or whatever comes to mind. Just challenge yourself. I’m going to kill this. Let’s kill it together.
Tonight. Tonight of all nights I feel it. It haunts me. The presence. My trachea’s shadow. My personal emotional python of darkness asphyxiating my throat chakra with deep blue sorrow. I’ve felt it my whole life. Hence eternal. But on day seems like eternity trapped in this anatomical sarcophagus. Living, breathing; I don’t know what that’s like. The deeper it gets the less control I have over any of it. Scared doesn’t cut it but then again, terrified doesn’t slice it either.
Like a furball of the most vile, putrid emotion all encased, locked and trapped in my throat. Unable to express so it depresses my body into a state of complacent self hatred and reserved apathy. Doubt shakes my cavernous core. Who’s there? Nobody is home.
Thoughts race through my mind as I consider my impending doom tomorrow on the scene of my new job. All the worries about how it will turn out and if I have the skills and the character to work this position. Haven’t worked in a milliennia so self doubt is a given. Do I have what it takes? I don’t know. With this murder machine of pain I call my body and existence I don’t know if this job is realistic. But, would the universe give me this if I wasn’t ready? I don’t know. I don’t know if this life is for me. What happens when your whole life is a nightmare? Well, that my friends is a lifemare.
I just want to puke out who I am and what I’ve become. Let me fuckin puke.
Oh right, I can’t because my throat is clogged with demon shit.
Hi ho, hi ho, its off to work we go…
Fuck man I’m feeling death take over my soul minute by minute today. Feel so weak. Agh goddamn. I should be past this. I should be this and should be that. I should’ve never been born. This life man – all its been is pain. What a ***** of a life. I wish i knew who or what I was in a past life so i could channel that identity’s strength into this one. Fuck.
I figured since this is where we met that it’s only fitting that I write you something beautiful here. Everything comes full circle and I pray that as I let you go – you will come back to me at the right time. I do love you but you are in love with someone else. You say you still love me but your heart is in his hands right now. I hold onto you in an unhealthy way right now. I hold onto parts of my past for comfort and security instead of setting my sights on the limitless possibilities ahead of me. My horizon will always be you. I see you in the evening sunset. I see your eyes in the starlight radiating from my northern night sky. We will meet again. I will see you in person. Mark my fuckin’ words beautiful one. Your heart will always be safer with me. I must let you go to move forward. You must do the same.
Te amo minha amor. Forever. Be well. <3
We will meet again when the universe wills it.
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