I have decided. I actually decided this a while ago. I’m going to leave on Thursday. I’m not sure what will happen. I don’t even know if I am going to die because there is this guy I’ve been talking to.  Half of me hopes he stops me, But half of me hopes he won’t care. Even if he does help, one day I will kill myself. If he does happen to help, maybe I’ll post something Friday to let you all know I’m OK(sort of). Or maybe I just won’t and I won’t ever come back here. Who knows anymore.
Honestly, I think the song skyscraper just saved my life tonight.
But, I din’t want to be saved.
I wanted to die….
Maybe tomorrow
so this weekend I’m at my dads for Christmas. i love my dad but i don’t really love the new family. my 7 year old stepsister has got to be the most annoying person i have ever met. last night she cried because no one would tuck her into bed. today she cried because i wouldn’t give a fucking cupcake at 10:30 at night. and my mom asked us to come to this church thing. i went and i went to go talk to my friends. then i get yelled at later for ‘deserting them.’ if they wanted me to sit with them they should […]
so, today i felt like i had to write my suicide note because i was feeling really crappy.  i don’t know if  id ever do it, but i had the biggest urge to tonight. so here it is, just so i could tell someone.
mom, i love you and i always will. you were always there for me, always helped me with anything. but i dont think i could be helped this time. this was my own choice.
i have always wanted to leave. i was always forcing that smile and laugh, just so you thought i was happy. i was never happy. i don’t know […]
Once I was happy,
Full of laughter and cheer,
So sometimes I wonder
How I ended up here.
Life just seems grim,
And I don’t want to try,
Everyday I go home,
I sit down and cry.
You made it worse,
Your  teasing and fun,
I was ready to give up,
And admit you had won.
But instead I pushed on,
Didn’t want to let go,
Didn’t want to give up.
But how could you know?
You didn’t know,
Because I wouldn’t talk,
Open-mouthed you’d stare,
As I struggled to walk.
No one would help,
But you couldn’t see.
Inside I was crying,
For you to help me.
But why should you notice?
Why should you care?
I bet you couldn’t tell,
If I vanished, into thin air.
You didn’t see,
How bad I […]
Today, I seriously considered killing myself.
Today, I didn’t do it.
Today, I yelled at myself for not leaving.
Today, my mom found out I cut myself.
Today, my dad tried to send me to a mental hospital.
Today, my brother told to cut myself.
Tonight, I’ll want to let go…
Tonight, Â I’ll just cut even deeper.
Tonight, Savannah will convince me to stay here.
Tomorrow, I will hate my guts.
Tomorrow, I will paint that smile on my face.
Tomorrow, no one will even notice that I’m screaming for help
I want to get help I won’t ever get better……
I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.
I met a guy. He was really nice. But as soon as I friended him on facebook, he never talked to me again. I didn’t  understand what I did so wrong. I don’t get why he judged me by the way I look. I already know I don’t look very good, and my self esteem isn’t very high. Wait, that was a lie. I don’t HAVE self esteem. But because of that, I don’t know if I can even think I look pretty anymore. All I want is a nice guy to like me for me. But apparently they don’t exist nowadays. I […]
I told my two best friends that i think i need help and that i thought i was borderline anorexic. the first one laughed and said that it was okay, then she turned the conversation to herself. like i don’t even matter. she turned to my other friend and said ‘i cut myself the other day after not doing it for so long.’ i wanted to turn to her and say ‘yeah, well i contemplate suicide every night and you ignoring my problems because you think all anyone ever cares about is you. thanks for letting me know you want me to stay here.’
the second person i told was […]
They say it gets better, and that it won’t last forever. But  I wonder when it will start for me?
It started 3 years ago. I had heard my parents fighting, and then my dad put a gun to his head and he said no one would care if he pulled the trigger. But his 12 year old daughter was watching from the doorway, and to her it mattered very much. I never told him I saw that, so he can’t understand how much that messed me up. That year was already bad. I was bullied for my weight and I’ve never really gotten over that. […]