IronWolf

I feel like my life is a treadmill. I’ll wake up, do the same things I did yesterday until I’m physically exhausted, sleep, and then repeat it all the next day.

How many years has this gone on? 5? 10?

I’ve purchased my own house at 27, moved to a peaceful little town, and on paper have an increasingly successful life year by year, especially compared to when I was a kid.

But I’m still equally as alone as I’ve ever been. Unloved, generally disregarded in every area of my life, not typically thought of positively by anyone in my life aside from my parents (if I’m thought […]

Some of you may remember me from around 2018, I posted a lot about how intensely I was trying to end things. Some years after that I posted about how everything got better and how I’m great now.

Well, those good things that happened are over now and I’m right back here where I started.

So hi everyone

I need to finish the job. I’m diseased, weak, incompetent, and broken. I am a burden on those around me. The sooner I can shut my brain down, the better.

What little life and social skills I had accumulated have gone away. I am now a hermit, wholly supported by my aging parents at the age of 21. I wasn’t meant for this world, and the only one who can rectify this is myself.

I have spent the past few days focusing entirely on taking my own life. I failed, and I continue to fail. I am physically weak, and my willpower is miniscule. I don’t have the inner fortitude to shoot, hang, or cut myself. But i want to. Desperately.

I just tried hanging myself a few minutes ago. Won’t go into specifics, but I did it in such a way that I could pull myself free. I don’t even have the willpower to die.

I have all the resources, all the time I need, and I still can’t endure the pain. I feel hot, and my head is ponding pretty hard. I was so close. I don’t even feel sad about this, just disappointed in myself for how pathetic I am.

I haven’t eaten for a few days. Haven’t really had the motivation to get out of bed much either. I’m neglecting nearly every facet of my life beyond hygiene. Other than that, I pretty much just lie in bed and wither away.

No one values my presence, and all of my many friends I’ve made throughout my life have moved on and disappeared. Not a single person is left for me to care about and to value.

I am alone. I will be alone until I die. There is nothing I can do.

Is it a bad thing to think about all of the inevitable consequences that will come from me taking my own life, and then shrugging them off with the justification of “It won’t matter for you because you’ll be dead. Why care about others?”?

It makes logical sense, but is unbelievably selfish. Then again, i suppose suicide itself is inherently selfish.

Welp, I’ve set everything up to finally take my life. And yet, I always contrive reasons in my head to postpone it. I have no feelings of wanting to hold on desperately to life, I’m past that point. Yet I keep floundering on this misrable planet, waiting and waiting for nothing.

Strange, isn’t it?

Everyone here is a valuable assett to this forum. I feel so grateful that I’ve gotten to know you all. I know it may seem weird, but I really appreciate everything you all do.

Just wanted to say thanks.

Life is just getting too hard. Thinking of giving up again. Idk :/

I know it is my destiny to take my own life someday soon. I know that I will succeed in this, as I have planned everything out months ago. I just need to push through my fear and do it.

I try to live a normal life, I really do. But it seems that I can’t live 30 minutes of my day without the creeping thought of death/suicide perstering my brain and getting increasingly more intense throughout the day.

“Do it, it is your only option. Your life has been wasted, and the only way to alleviate your lved ones of your parasidic lifestyle is to remove yourself from the equation. You owe it to them.”

These thoughts are breaking me. I have had many of my former loves and desires die out like this, and I don’t want my final one to die being my will […]

I feel hollow inside. There is just nothing inside my shell of a body anymore. No joy, anger, regret, guilt, or sadness. I am a husk waiting to die off and become dust.

I feel like my entire existence nowadays is me wandering around aimlessly in a desert trying to find a place to belong. A place to rest so that I can end my fruitless search for meaning.

I mean nothing in this world, so I should just embrace the hot desert sands of life’s desert and lie down to die.

Give in, relax, and fade away like everything and everyone does in time.

Just woke up. Had a dream of my life back when I had the opportunity to be happy, had friends, and loved someone. That was years ago, and every time I have dreams this vivid that resurface my happier life, I wake up truly wanting death.

I literally am to the point that I break down in my dream and tell my friends and people I once loved that I really, really miss them and would give anything to come back to how things were. It’s gotten that bad.

While my happy dreams make me feel free while I’m experiencing them, once I wake, the full weight […]

Today was my breaking point. I’m tired of leeching off of others’ friends because I don’t have any of my own. I’m tired of people who, instead of listening to what you have to say, simply go through life waiting for their turn to speak, others be damned.

I’m tired of having to resort to companions who don’t give a shit about anyone else. I can’t even remember the last time I had a true friendship with an actual flesh and blood person.

I’m closer to taking my life than I have ever been. The degree with which I am truly alone and truly unwanted hit me […]

As I look back on my life, I think of all the people I’ve met, all the bonds I’ve made, all the things I’ve done and loved.

I think of how much they gave my life meaning, and how they drove me to push on through life with all of my support surrounding me.

And I think of how every single one of those people and things has faded into dust for me. Wether by my own doing, or by life just getting in the way, they have all died off leaving me alone, unwanted, unloved, and dead.

I wonder if I even cross their minds anymore.

In my current age of 21, I’ve really started to feel that all of my previous loves and passions no longer incite emotions inside me the way that they used to. In fact, I’d say that nearly all of my passions have died.

They have died, and I am left with nothing. No purpose, no drive, no motivation. I feel like a ghost who is waiting to move on to thenext life, floating around in a directionless, bleak void.

Sorry for getting so dark there. Am I alone in this feeling? Would love to hear from you all.

Lately, I have started to rationalize a series of things to myself that I am surprised at myself for not realizing before. Namely that, as I stop to look around me at the world and all of the events happening around me, a thought comes into my mind. “The world has, is, and always will continue to function with or without me. Were I to withdraw from the world tomorrow, the gears of the world would turn as smoothly as they always have. My ceasing to exist would have no effect on anything, and the few people that it will effect will, sooner or later, […]