Author

Elly

I have not self-harmed in one thousand days. I figured it would be an exciting thing. I figured it would feel good and the longer i got by without it, the easier it would be. Well not so much, I still think about it every day, I still feel like I need (like really need) to do it some days. But i woke up this morning knowing what today marked for me, and it just made it so much harder.

So just to make today a touch harder, a family member of mine posted a photo to Facebook of herself and the man who sexually […]

4/5/2017 3 comments

Already addicted again.

by Elly 1/23/2014

written by Elly

I lasted 98 days without a real cut, it was the hardest thing iv ever done but my dad stopped hating me, then the voices came back and i fought it and then the thoughts got strong again, and i kept fighting until the insomnia hit. I lasted 6 days with no sleep before i cut, i cut two days in a row then last night i cut to deep and had to be taken to hospital and stitched up again. The nurses all know me at this point and they al just shake their heads at me. More stitches to add the the collection […]

1/23/2014 2 comments

I hate…

by Elly 11/11/2013

written by Elly

The voices I hear
The things I see that aren’t real
The constant fear of life
The persistent want to die
The ugliness I see in the mirror
The fat I see all over my body
The hands I remember all over me
The nightmares I cannot run from
The family that hurt me and hate me
The people who hurt me when I was young
The people I can’t get out of my life
The little blemishes on the wall
The constant need for perfection in my safe place that I cannot reach
The step father who hates and hurts me
The mother who […]

11/11/2013 2 comments

Deeper…

by Elly 4/30/2013

written by Elly

That feeling of the blade going deeper into my skin makes me feel sick…But at the same time its so much relief. The pain is such a welcome distraction…

4/30/2013 5 comments

Now….

by Elly 4/29/2013

written by Elly

They want to send my back to the hospital, and i don’t even care, i don’t care about anything anymore…putting weight on, breaking things, mess…my scars…it all used to push me to the point id freak out and cry and cry and cry. Now, i just don’t care i just lay in bed and wait, wait for they day i get the chance to end it all…i never thought it’d be possible to not care and to feel a world of pain at the same time. But it really is, the only other time iv felt This Bad, was when i last attempted to kill […]

4/29/2013 4 comments

The person i fear most…Is myself.

by Elly 4/4/2013

written by Elly

The worst fear to have is a fear of ones self, you can’t run or hide from yourself, when scared you cannot stop yourself. I am terrified of myself everyday..i can hurt me more then anyone else. I have lived with this fear for a long time, but yet again the fear has grown. The fear grows when my emotions get stronger and sadder, when i feel empty and comatose’d. I cannot run or hide or stop myself anymore. I have no one or nothing to hold back the frightful me from hurting the scared me. I am a monster….just not of my own making.. […]

4/4/2013 2 comments

Insanity Bound â™¥

by Elly 9/29/2012

written by Elly

Wrapped in a catacomb, bound by my fears
Insanity knocks, as doomsday is near
I open the door, and let it walk in
To take me to ruins, to show me the end

Lucid at times, and fearing what’s next
But insanity reassures me, I’ll enjoy the big wreck
I’ll glow in the torment, that takes over my mind
And relish in darkness, that is so easy to find

I will walk in the pestialance, that grows oh so near
But will not feel the sickness, as I face my own fear
I glance at the shell, that once held my life
And I know now at […]

9/29/2012 1 comment

It’s Back..

by Elly 9/29/2012

written by Elly

The caving sinking feeling,is back. its back and i cant handle it anymore. they were supposed to get better. they were supposed to be looking up…but im falling back down again, back into the darkness, back into the misery that never ends. And now its back…its like a relapse….and i know this time theres no coming out. i know this time its it. i know this time i wont fail.

9/29/2012 5 comments

Curled Up In The Darkness…..

by Elly 8/21/2012

written by Elly

I’m Crying Out…Almost Screaming out in pain….but its like no one can hear me, even though they are in the next room…its just thatÂ they don’t want to hear it. they are sick of looking after me, they are sick of caring about me, they are just sick of me in general…. my says shes just worried illÂ make her depressed…like its contagious….my brother doesn’t Â even talk to me, to him i don’tÂ exist,myÂ step Dad just doesn’t care. mum told me she can’t handle me, she doesn’t know what to […]

8/21/2012 4 comments

My Attempt

by Elly 8/20/2012

written by Elly

Â Hi My Name Is Ellen,I’m 17.I suffer from Severe Depression, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, And Graves Disease (Hyperthyroidism),And i anxiety issues. I’m not going to go into the gory details of what happened to me, what caused my depression (which to be honest, was a million different things). I left school at the start of grade 10 because i was being bullied…really badly, and that just added to my other problems, a few months after i left school i was sent to aÂ Psychiatrist,she diagnosed me. […]

8/20/2012 9 comments