One thousand days.

I have not self-harmed in one thousand days. I figured it would be an exciting thing. I figured it would feel good and the longer i got by without it, the easier it would be. Well not so much, I still think about it every day, I still feel like I need (like really need) to do it some days. But i woke up this morning knowing what today marked for me, and it just made it so much harder.

So just to make today a touch harder, a family member of mine posted a photo to Facebook of herself and the man who sexually assaulted me when i was much younger. I have known for quite sometime that these people close to me just do not care. They know, and they know its true, It is not that they don’t believe. It is simply that they don’t care. Which is hard, so hard for me but i generally just push it to the back of my mind. Once in a while it’ll pop back up and hurt all over, and make trying to move on and live so much harder. Seeing it on my social media page which i try very hard to keep private and quiet just so it is still a nice thing for me though, i feel very shaken up. It hurts and i realise today more than ever, i still have no other way to deal with things. Cutting was for many years what made everything easier to deal with, it made me feel like i could breathe through all the hurt. I don’t know how to deal with all this hurt, without hurting myself.