My Attempt

 Hi My Name Is Ellen,I’m 17.I suffer from Severe Depression, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, And Graves Disease (Hyperthyroidism),And i anxiety issues. I’m not going to go into the gory details of what happened to me, what caused my depression (which to be honest, was a million different things). I left school at the start of grade 10 because i was being bullied…really badly, and that just added to my other problems, a few months after i left school i was sent to a Psychiatrist,she diagnosed me. I saw her weekly But stuff was still happening, so every time i saw her i had another awful story…so at this point we couldn’t start to get over the issues that started this. i was feeling Absoulutly awful, to the point all i thought for months was just let me die already! And it kept getting worse. all i did was sit at home and cry, when i wasn’t crying. i was almost screaming. i felt that emotionally bad…. i wasn’t sleeping, soon after my psychiatrist said i also had insomnia, of course. So at this point in time. id wake up take all my medications (1 fluvoxamine 4 ,neomercazole ,and 1propananol… Anti Depressant, Thyroid Medication, And Beta Blocker For My Heart) then i’d force down food for breakfast. Then Because i have issues with everything having to be clean, id clean the whole house…but for that i needed energy which i didn’t have (don’t have). So i’d Drink 4 Cans of Rockstar or other energy drinks….then id force down lunch and take more tablets…3 neomercazole, after that id go into my room and just cry, then read a little when i calm down. then when it was dinner time. id take more tablets…1 anti Depressant, 1 Beta Blocker, And 4 more neomercazole, and normally feed my dinner to my dog Bella. i was cutting too. alot.  Everyday was the same thing…and i was just sinking lower and lower.  then at this point didn’t even want my medication, and because i self administrated my medication i just stopped and told my mum i was taking it.  and dad was buying me more and id just put it in a box…not think twice about it, i mean i wanted to die but that didn’t even occur to me, then in January this year my mum gave birth to my little sister Mia, i was there and it was amazing, but still i wasn’t happy. but id look at Mia and have a little bit of hope. Then it all was just too much when my last friend (my only friend)  got sick of me and told me to just go kill myself. i stopped crying everyday. Every few days i just had a little emotional melt down, but  other then that just lay in bed most of the day, i hate leaving the house,i wouldn’t even go to my dads.I was literally a Zombie. Then one day i got into a fight with my mum, and i felt empty, i felt like i lost my mum….iv lost everyone, i felt like i had no one. i felt dead set miserable. After our fight i stormed into my room and it wasn’t like i thought about it, it was like my body just knew…i went straight to my bookcase, grabbed my box of stored up tablets and i took them, for a person who hates taking tablets it was easy. I took 200 neomercazole, 40 fluvoxamine and a handful of propananol. and i drank it with a bottle of hot energy drink. nothing was happening. mum came in my room and took the box because she was worried. About an hour later i felt so dizzy i couldn’t even move. And my Nan came over to see my mum when she came in to say hello to me, i didn’t even mean to i just told her what i did. I was getting really dizzy.  she went out of my room (i’m assuming and told mum). Then after a few minutes mum came in told me to get dressed (i was in pajamas) and said she was taking me to the hospital, i managed to get myself into jeans and a jumper. it didn’t matter what i looked like. i wanted to die. i was hoping i would die. Nan helped me too the car, and because  mum was babysitting my aunties kids they were all looking at me confused and worried all i could hear was the youngest Lilly she kept saying “shes not sick shes sad” this was a 5 year old girl. Nan got me into the car and then went inside too look after the kids. mum just cried, quietly, cried in the car…when we got there (we only live a few minutes away) the emergency Nurse said i was okay, i knew i wasn’t i could barely see, or stand, but i kept my mouth shut…after all i wanted to die. They told us to sit and wait…mum said she was going out side to call my dad and tell him…the last thing i remember is watching mum walk through the big doors, then nothing. they said i had a seizure. and my brain shut down to protect itself (that’s why i don’t remember), they said i was seizing for ten minutes, mum said she saw me start seizing she said i fell and hit the ground.Hard!, she had my dad on the phone not knowing what was happening, just listening to her screaming hysterically like a maniac. apparently they just had to wait it out. then they got me to a bed and hooked me up to an iv, a heart monitor, and a million other cords. after about (what mum said was forty minutes) i woke up and was at first scared…i didn’t know where i was and there were nurses and doctors all around me..and i couldn’t see Mum i was petrified…anyway the nurse explained what happened, and mum stayed with me. When she left my auntie came to stay with me. i couldn’t move, the overdose fucked up my muscles. Mum came Back that night With my step dad and some mash potato and gravy from KFC haha. they said goodnight and left. my dad didn’t come. he was at mudgie for work. i didn’t sleep all night, i was just laying there thinking…i can’t even fucking kill myself right? how dumb am i?, then the next morning my psychiatrist came and saw me at the hospital, helped me get up.  then later i was discharged, mum took me home. i had an hour long shower then got into bed.  i saw my psychiatrist twice that week, then because the suicidal thoughts hadn’t gone, i was admitted to NEXUS, at the john hunter hospital, NEXUS is a adolescent mental health Hospital, i stayed there for a week, it would have been longer but another patient punched me in the face…..i didn’t feel safe there after that, so they sent me home. i’m now  at home, not feeling any better, still seeing my psychiatrist weekly,the thoughts haven’t gone yet, i haven’t got a plan…but i know how i’d do it this time. if i were to do it again…and it would gaurentee death.  when i got home from NEXUS i received my discharge forms in the mail from the hospital after my suicide attempt. they said  my attempt was lethal… and i was close to death. it said …”suicidal attempt of high lethality” and they nurse told me if i hadn’t been taken i would have died at home..i hate myself for telling my Nan but on the other hand am grateful because one of the little kids could have found me. they said one more tablet could have done the job. one. one little pill.  Right now i’m no better…i have a hell of a lot of scars though. emotional  and physical.