Hello. This time around seems to be too much for me. I think it has something to do with the recent failure of me trying to be happy. Should I go back to therapy? I’ve done everything in my power to hide it and avoid going back. I didn’t think it was productive and I hated it. Now I don’t think I can handle it without having a serious major meltdown. Some Pros: I’ve tried literally everything to fix my depression. I’ve ignored it, I’ve tried fighting back and being happy, I’ve tried simply accepting it. […]
Hello. Whenever I hit another wave of depression, I always get in this mood with anything and everybody. I get angry for some of the smallest reasons. Being stuck at home on the weekends is literal hell. There’s nothing to do to get my mind off of everything and it just kind of reminds me of how stuck I am. I just want to drive to somewhere, anywhere. I just need something else. I start getting mad at the whole situation. I get mad at myself for allowing me to be in this situation. I hate […]
Hello. It’s pretty bad this time around. It’s one of those anxiety attacks that isn’t a full blown one, but it feels like it’s ramping up to that. It’s like my brain is wrapped in barbed wire and every little thought tightens it. It’s like a rough scraping against the base of the skull. It’s pounding and pounding and pounding and pounding. It’s telling me to run as far away as possible. To leave and keep going and going and going until the feeling is gone. My room is like a small box. The white walls […]
Hello. And we’re back. It was ok for a while, even pleasant. All good things don’t last though. I will say that a month was a long time to last. Posted here and there, but was never really on. I always notice the feeling just swallows you up when it comes back. You aren’t even paying attention, then you wake up and you know it’s back. Thought about killing myself a lot today. More than I have in a month. Parents were out of the house and I paused while I was in the kitchen […]
Hello. Been about a week. Question. Can people with depression fall in love? Should they fall in love? The one thing that struck me when asking about when a person is ready for a realtionship, was that they would usually respond with “Before you can be happy with someone else, you should be happy by yourself. You need to learn to love yourself before anyone else.” So that poses the question. Should people like us even try for love? I have accepted a long time ago that depression was just going to stick with me. […]
Hello. I haven’t been here in a week or so. Been avoiding it on purpose. I recently decided that I’m going to lead a more positive life. That didn’t work out so now I’m trying to lead at least a neutral life. I just want to stop being negative. I’ve recently started going to a gym. I’m not fit by any means, but I think I’m on the right track. My arms hurt. I went today at 11 expecting to be alone. There were a lot of people. I guess they don’t have any day […]
Hello. So it was during the holidays, and I was just looking through my phone when I saw a post about how to spot a suicidal person. Seeing as how it was the holidays and many of us decide to take our leave around that time, it made sense that those suicide prevention groups would go around putting these things up. I looked at it a bit to see how I matched up and I noticed something. One sign was irritability and anger. I thought about it for a bit and realized that I do actually have some anger issues. […]
Hello. I am defective. That is to say there is nothing obviously wrong with me. When I say I am defective, that means that I can not think like the average person. I am unable to function like every one else. I can not go through life and have all the bad stuff wash over me. It all just pools up in my head and begins to rot. I always go for the worst case scenario. It’s the only thing that makes sense to me. I am still going for it. I know I will […]
I have to accept that things won’t get better. I have to accept that I’m just going to end up alone. I have to accept that I’m just an unhappy person. I have to accept that I can not change. I have to accept that I’m just defective. I have to accept this. However, I’m still going through with it. I’m still going to try. I’m still going to go and do it. I’m still going to get my ass up and put on my pants and walk out the door. I know nothing good […]
Hello. First off it’s been a boring winter break on my end. Just sat around applying for jobs online and watching DBZ. Bored out of my skull. Didn’t post for about a week and a half. Too bored to do so. So on to the things I really wanted to talk about. So as everyone knows, it’s a new year. With that comes new year’s resolutions. I decided a while ago that I’m just not the type of person that is capable of change, so I usual don’t give a fuck about resolutions. However, lately […]
Hello. You know what fascinates me? Despite how bad my existential crisis gets, despite me knowing my existence is pointless, despite that constant feeling of wanting to stop it all, my mind still finds a way to wander. This is the funniest thing to me. I’ll be deep in thought about trying to figure out all of this or be in a slump because of how pointless it all is, but my mind will still find a way to worry about trivial matters. “If I manage to land that subway job, all it would take is two months of saving […]
Hello. People are fragile. They are really really really really fragile. Let me give you two example, both of which are very close to me. My Grandfather is very fragile. Let me give you context. His family came from Mexico. I don’t know all the details, but I know they weren’t rich. In fact they were very poor. My great grandfather died when my grandfather was in the sixth grade. Being the oldest male (He had one older sister), it was his job to provide for the family now. So he went to work. […]
Hello. So a few days ago I was watching some tv around midnight waiting for my computer to download something. I somehow found myself watching Death of a Salesman from 1985 on TMC or something. It was about half way done and it was at the part where the mother is chewing out her kids for not respecting their father and how hard he’s worked or whatever. She was talking about how he’s worked his whole life at some sales firm and now they took his salary away and how he seems to be cracking under the pressure. I remember […]
Hello. Yesterday was my eighteenth birthday. It was rather mediocre. I had a nice steak. I walked around a mall for about an hour doing jack shit. My parents kept asking me what I wanted to do, and I said “There’s nothing I really wanted to do.”. Trying to celebrate a depressed person’s birthday must really suck. I actually have to give my mother credit. Usually she would just lose her temper and tell me that I’m being selfish or something to that effect. Instead she was very patient. Overall it was very mediocre for […]
Hello. They deferred me. I wasn’t building it up that much in my mind, but the university I applied to sent out acceptance emails for early action applicants. Like I said, I didn’t really care what my results were going to be seeing as I can’t afford it either way. This though, was probably the worst answer I probably could have gotten. The whole point of applying early was to get an answer and be done with it. Like ripping off a band-aid. Now they are just dragging out my execution. Of course my parents were mad. […]
Hello. I have a problem with communicating. I find it hard to properly express what exactly is in my head. Part of the reason being is that I don’t know exactly what’s in my head. My mind also seems to be in a constant argument with itself, which also doesn’t help. There is also the fact that I don’t really know how to read social cues all that well. It’s hard to tell what people are thinking. I know I don’t belong. Here or anywhere. It’s hard. Walking around and looking at everyone who gets […]
Hello. I need to grab this by the horns. My mind seems to like to wonder and make mistakes. I need to focus. My head likes to lie to me. It tells me that it’s possible. The truth is that I’m alone. I will always be alone. I want to stop thinking about this. If I force myself I will stop. I need to force myself to snap out of it. Eventually I will snap out of it. It doesn’t even matter. It will fade. I just got to force myself. […]
Hello. Which is better? To forget how pointless your life is and go on like everyone else or to be constantly thinking about it all the time? When you go about your day free from the depressing thoughts you set yourself up to be even more disappointed when that sudden realization hits you again. Always being depressed kind of sucks, but you know what your getting when you wake up in the morning. I feel like I’m falling back into the usual cycle of going about my day. I know I’m going to fall back into my depressive state. […]
Hello. Why as people do we need other people? I guess I kind of covered this in one of my last posts. I guess this time around will be a broader need of human interaction. Why do people need the approval and acceptance of those around us? Why do we need friends and family to spend time with us on our birthday? Why do we need our parents to accept us and love us? Why do humans need someone other than themselves. Like I said I covered this in another post (About Love). I understand it […]
Hello. I need to focus on myself. Today I tried talking to my mom. She wasn’t saying anything to me and just sat there. Then she said “We don’t really talk anymore.”. I just looked at her and said ok ok ok and left. I didn’t want to deal with it. She might be going through depression issues. Ironic. Its funny because it seems she expects me to talk to her more and cheer he up and shit. I know I can’t go talk to her about any of this. I just can’t. […]