Hello. Do you ever think that everyone else is not that different from us? We always go on about how everyone else is happy and how they’ve got it figured out and why can’t we be like them. At least that was the topic of some of my posts. But do you ever think that no one really has it figured out? That they are just pretending to know what they are doing or that they are simply ignoring their own suffering. So much so that they even fooled themselves. Maybe everyone is really miserable, but we are […]
Hello. This big year-long project is almost due, and I have little to nothing to show for it. It’s come up in my head that I could avoid presenting if I just off myself. I mean it’s not like I’m doing it just to avoid presenting, but I think it would be funny if the final tipping point was me pussing out of presenting. I guess it would just be extra oomph really. I just wanted to share this small thought. Thanks for listening if you are.
Hello. You know how when something is consistently on your mind you momentarily forget about it? It’s such a strange feeling. I woke up yesterday, listened to a podcast while mowing the lawn, got a sandwich from the deli, and went to work out. Got home and watched the new episode of super. I went to the restroom and realized, “oh yeah, everything is pointless.” There was a whole day where I forgot about my bizarre existential crisis, if you could call it that. An entire day where I just existed without really thinking about it. It’s […]
Hello. It’s a hard feeling to describe. I’d like to say the past year or so, but I feel that’s a bit inaccurate. I always talk about how it comes and goes, but when one or the other happens, it’s hard to remember the other one. I feel as if I’m only ever half there. Anywhere I go, I feel that a part of me just isn’t responding. I’ve thought maybe it’s “senioritis” I kept hearing about when I was an underclassman, but it seems to be in everything I do. It’s really hard to determine if that’s […]
Hello. On Saturday my mom asked me to go the washateria to wash all the floor mats and heavy blankets. It was around 2 in the afternoon and I go in my little truck to the washateria and dump all my items in the little push truck. After putting a 10 in the change machine I walk over to the heavy duty washers and load about 3 of them. I spend about 9 dollars and walk over to sit by the wall with everyone else. Since I’m on the border of Texas, there were a lot of mexican families visiting […]
Hello. Do you ever have those little moments of clarity? You will be doing whatever it is you are doing at that point, and it just kind of snaps in your head. How pointless it all is. The thing is that you are aware of this fact already, but for some reason at that exact moment, it seems more real than it normally does. The weight of nothingness. You think about it for a moment, and just sit there for a minute or two, staring off into space. Your knees get a bit weak and things either start […]
Hello. So today I was going about my usual business when I started thinking. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that all my perceived problems are traced back to three irrefutable facts of life. Every little problem I faced was not really caused by these facts, but instead were symptoms of these facts. They are signs that these facts are true and prove that this is the way things go in a sense.
1) Money is Progress and Progress is King
The, I suppose, whole point of why people keep doing what they do is for […]
Hello. Why does this bother you? It’s the same as before, so you should already know this feeling. It still bothers you though. Why is that? It’s easiest when nothing happens. You don’t think about it. Yet you felt the need to say something. You could have just remained silent. This is no different from all the other times. This one shouldn’t be feel any different. The weekends are boring and lonely and the regular week is long and difficult. I’ve just been dragging myself through it all. Inch by inch. […]
Hello. Sometimes I feel like my top wasn’t screwed on properly. It’s like sometimes some of the stuff leaks out of the side or that there is a dull humming that isn’t supposed to be there. Some days it’s easier to deal with it, other times not so much. The teacher said my essay was good. It was basically me saying how pointless life was and how MacBeth accepted how little human existence means. I think I got an A. I have fantasies of what it would be like to have something interesting happen. I feel that […]
Hello. So after thinking about it for a bit I realized that I teeter between two type of general “moods” I guess you would call them. Either I get into this depressive state where I don’t want to say or do anything and I keep my mouth completely shut and keep my head down. Basically I’ve checked out. Or I get in this hyper active mood where the dumbest, inane, and disturbing things come out of my mouth. I’m this bizarre freak that takes weird pleasure from watching the reactions I get from people. Either way I feel that I’ve […]
Hello. So I have an English project where me and two other students annotate, analysis, and present on two poems from a group of 12 or so. The general theme among the poems is “Carpe Diem” or “Seize the Day”. Just my luck it turns out the two poems my group picked, John Donne’s “The Flea” and Andrew Marvell’s “To His Coy Mistress”, are about sex. The one thing everyone wants (Unless you’re like asexual or something). As I’ve stated before one of my greatest fears is ending up alone. While I mainly want someone to spend time […]
Hello. So I got my doctor’s referral today. It’s some psychiatrist in the next town over. I really hope the wait isn’t that long for appointments. I despise waiting rooms. I’m trying to remember when I first started to feel it. The pointlessness to it all. I think back to when I was in elementary and remember that I never really had any questions about my purpose. I never really thought about how there really is no point to this daily cycle. Middle school was rough. I think I was more concerned about having few […]
Hello. This time around seems to be too much for me. I think it has something to do with the recent failure of me trying to be happy. Should I go back to therapy? I’ve done everything in my power to hide it and avoid going back. I didn’t think it was productive and I hated it. Now I don’t think I can handle it without having a serious major meltdown. Some Pros: I’ve tried literally everything to fix my depression. I’ve ignored it, I’ve tried fighting back and being happy, I’ve tried simply accepting it. […]
Hello. Whenever I hit another wave of depression, I always get in this mood with anything and everybody. I get angry for some of the smallest reasons. Being stuck at home on the weekends is literal hell. There’s nothing to do to get my mind off of everything and it just kind of reminds me of how stuck I am. I just want to drive to somewhere, anywhere. I just need something else. I start getting mad at the whole situation. I get mad at myself for allowing me to be in this situation. I hate […]
Hello. It’s pretty bad this time around. It’s one of those anxiety attacks that isn’t a full blown one, but it feels like it’s ramping up to that. It’s like my brain is wrapped in barbed wire and every little thought tightens it. It’s like a rough scraping against the base of the skull. It’s pounding and pounding and pounding and pounding. It’s telling me to run as far away as possible. To leave and keep going and going and going until the feeling is gone. My room is like a small box. The white walls […]
Hello. And we’re back. It was ok for a while, even pleasant. All good things don’t last though. I will say that a month was a long time to last. Posted here and there, but was never really on. I always notice the feeling just swallows you up when it comes back. You aren’t even paying attention, then you wake up and you know it’s back. Thought about killing myself a lot today. More than I have in a month. Parents were out of the house and I paused while I was in the kitchen […]
Hello. Been about a week. Question. Can people with depression fall in love? Should they fall in love? The one thing that struck me when asking about when a person is ready for a realtionship, was that they would usually respond with “Before you can be happy with someone else, you should be happy by yourself. You need to learn to love yourself before anyone else.” So that poses the question. Should people like us even try for love? I have accepted a long time ago that depression was just going to stick with me. […]
Hello. I haven’t been here in a week or so. Been avoiding it on purpose. I recently decided that I’m going to lead a more positive life. That didn’t work out so now I’m trying to lead at least a neutral life. I just want to stop being negative. I’ve recently started going to a gym. I’m not fit by any means, but I think I’m on the right track. My arms hurt. I went today at 11 expecting to be alone. There were a lot of people. I guess they don’t have any day […]
Hello. So it was during the holidays, and I was just looking through my phone when I saw a post about how to spot a suicidal person. Seeing as how it was the holidays and many of us decide to take our leave around that time, it made sense that those suicide prevention groups would go around putting these things up. I looked at it a bit to see how I matched up and I noticed something. One sign was irritability and anger. I thought about it for a bit and realized that I do actually have some anger issues. […]
Hello. I am defective. That is to say there is nothing obviously wrong with me. When I say I am defective, that means that I can not think like the average person. I am unable to function like every one else. I can not go through life and have all the bad stuff wash over me. It all just pools up in my head and begins to rot. I always go for the worst case scenario. It’s the only thing that makes sense to me. I am still going for it. I know I will […]