Hello. After I came back from break, I did my best to avoid a particular person. It wasn’t hard seeing as this person doesn’t even know I existed. Today they called me over as I was sitting on the bench and asked if they could braid my hair. I have long hair for a guy. Their hands ran through my hair. They made a few comments about how soft my hair was. All of a sudden they stopped. My hair wasn’t braided. They looked down at one of their friends phones and said nothing to me. […]
Hello. The weeds are growing back again. Yesterday I went to go watch a movie with a few friends and eat lunch. For my birthday. First time I’ve done something for my birthday since I was in elementary. It was nice. Today went by as usual. I expected to be content for a bit longer than this. As the day went on I had fleeting thoughts about the bad stuff. Just fleeting. The weeds are growing back. They are small right now, but they will grow back. It’s one thing when they grow […]
Hello. What prompts a person to fall in love? Why do people do it? I know why from a social scientific point. I know why from a biological point. But why do people fall in love? Biologically, all animals have a need to reproduce. Mammals need two to tango, if you understand my meaning. Right now though, with the human population being around 7 billion, I think people have less of an urge to do that. Most people have opted out of having kids now a days, what with money and such. Then there is […]
Hello. The cycle has begun again. So Wednesday, after making my last post, I had a sort of small meltdown. I was getting something from the fridge and my father was getting on my case over taking some claritin he left me on the counter that morning. I told him for the fourth time that I was going to take the sleeping one right before I go to bed. He walked away and started to mutter about how I’m going crazy and that he’s tired of dealing with my anxiety or something to that effect. No usually I would […]
Hello. I’ve got no idea why I haven’t gone through with it yet. Everyday, 24/7 I think about it. Every waking moment I want to do it. But why haven’t I done it yet? If I keep thinking about it so much and I’ve decided that I don’t care anymore, why I am still here? Why do I still get up in the morning? Why haven’t I gotten a kitchen knife, locked my door, and gotten the deed done with? Why do I still insist on doing the work and going to school and eating if I […]
Hello. Not feeling well. All I think of now is how to make it stop. Every moment of every day. The holidays were not kind as usual. Between my family giving me the hard sale and the general loneliness it wasn’t that great. The worst part is always coming back to the usual. I can handle being by myself. What I can’t handle is feeling like I’m by myself when I have to go out in public. The problem with loneliness is that it only hits you when you are out and about. You get […]
Hello. There isn’t alot I want to talk about right now. Thanksgiving is tomorrow. Many of us here probably don’t care or don’t want to think about it. Music always takes my mind off something. There’s loads of artists and songs I’m thinking of. Like Baby Blue Sedan (Modest Mouse), Blame it on the Tetons (Modest Mouse), One Chance (Modest Mouse), The Good Times Are Killing Us (Modest Mouse) Empire Ants (Gorillaz), To Binge (Gorillaz), Rhinestone Eyes (Gorillaz), Feel Good Inc (Gorillaz), Do Ya Thing (Gorillaz) (I like the 13 min version), All Alone (Gorillaz), Super Fast Jellyfish […]
Hello. I have no idea how to act around other people. Often times I will alternate between being very obnoxious and loud to being quiet and stand offish. I often act and self label as an asshole and people tend to agree. I can’t say that people hate me, while at the same time I can’t say people like me either. If anything, people are indifferent towards me. They might act annoyed or tolerate being around me, but they never outright say they like having me around or tell me to fuck off. I’m just not important enough […]
Hello. Now I know that this is the last place I should be looking for advice, but I figured since I had no one else to turn to I’d give it a shot. I am currently a senior in high school. I have never, in my life, gone on a date. If I’m going to be pulling my life out of the gutter, I guess I should start here. So any advice? To clarify, I am a dude and I am interested in girls. I have no idea how to make conversation nor do I know when it’s […]
Hello. I want to write a hypothetical suicide note. I’ve been thinking about this for a few so here it goes:
I felt bad, so I left. I didn’t want to deal with all the disappointments that life had left to offer so I stopped. You probably don’t want to understand, and I understand that. Right now it might feel shitty, but you will get through this. Or maybe you’re glad that I did this. In that case, you’re welcome. There’s not much to say but here it goes.
To my family:
Hey mom and dad. You […]
Hello. My head is full. There is too much in it. The words are all jumbled around and loud. None of it makes any sense. All of it is just incoherent nonsense. I want to do it today. I want to end it. It would be easy. Just go in the kitchen, get a knife, lie on the bed, and tear open the throat. No more worrying. No more suffering. No more confusion. Just silence. Peaceful silence. I want to do it today. What do the consequences matter. […]
Hello. I suppose I have my freedom. Today I found something out about someone that had a certain hold over me. Something that made that hold over me non existent. I don’t really feel like going on about it in detail. I’m not even sure how true it is. I don’t care. I choose to believe it and have my freedom. I no longer have to have that person in my head anymore. At least that is what I’ll say now. My mind will probably fall victim to that old hold again. And again. […]
Hello. Haven’t been here in like two weeks. Been busy I suppose you would call it. In my previous posts I have stated that I am not interested in suicide nor am I interested in going on. I was in limbo. Not particularly leaning one way or the other. Recently I feel like I am leaning. I start to look around and question why any of it even matters. I knew it didn’t matter before, but when I was thinking about it I thought there was no harm in going on either. Now my thought process […]
Hello. It’s out of my hands now. I’ve submitted my application. It was due on the 1st so I decided to submit it two days early. Nothing left for me to worry about. All I know is that it’s over. Weather I get in or not is of no consequence. I’m free. Until the next application. Thank you for listening.
Hello. Time is just ticking away. I have to turn in this college application by Tuesday for some big name school in Massachusetts. I’m just not up to it. Every time I look at the application I just don’t want to do it. I’m sick of looking at it. I don’t want this anymore. I’m tired of it. It doesn’t even matter. Why do I try so hard when it doesn’t even matter. It’s like rolling down a hill. Once you start you can’t stop. No matter how much you want to, you can’t […]
Hello. I’m almost positive that I’m back to having depression. With everything going on such as college aps, struggling to be more social, and just the effort it takes to go to school, I feel that I’m back to feeling like shit. However, I can’t say that I am suicidal. I feel as if I am in limbo though. I have no motivation to kill myself and I have no motivation to keep going. I often question why I even get up in the morning, but don’t have the motivation to break the cycle and stay there. Sometimes […]
Hello. Not doing too well. I think I’m having a minor nervous breakdown. Have certain things to do. None of it is getting done. Every time I try to think of it, my mind doesn’t want to. It changes the subject. It should be easy. It isn’t. Everything is falling apart. It is all very terrible. I’m just screaming into the void. Nothing comes back. I have no one to lean on. Everybody else has a friend or two which they can lean on. I’m like a peg in the sand. […]
Hello. Third post this week. Haven’t posted since the weekend. Been a bit busy. Not really. Kind of just milling around even though I have a lot of work to do. I wanted to talk about that strange feeling I have been having lately. That feeling of limbo. I’m certain I don’t want to die. I’m also certain I don’t want to continue on living. I think I just want to be wiped out completely. Nothing left of me. I don’t want to exist nor do I want any sign of me to […]
Hello. Not feeling to hot. Feeling kind of lame. Just had a talk with my mother about college apps. Told me that I haven’t really been putting any effort. She isn’t wrong. What is the point of my existence. I’m not really good at anything in particular. I don’t have much of anything to me. I think I should restart. Off myself and start over. Maybe I’ll be better the second time around. Probably not. I think I have fallen back into my old ways. Depression and shit. I say […]
Hello. It has been a minute. Haven’t been here since last month. It is going ok. Two things I want to talk about. First thing: I am applying to college. Going through the application process really fucking sucks. It is stressful and I just hate it. You never really know what the answer is and you are expected to be this sort of ultra person that is good at academics, volunteer work, have all these dreams and aspirations along with a plan to achieve them and all this other shit. I just don’t have what it […]