I have to accept that things won’t get better. I have to accept that I’m just going to end up alone. I have to accept that I’m just an unhappy person. I have to accept that I can not change. I have to accept that I’m just defective. I have to accept this. However, I’m still going through with it. I’m still going to try. I’m still going to go and do it. I’m still going to get my ass up and put on my pants and walk out the door. I know nothing good […]
Hello. First off it’s been a boring winter break on my end. Just sat around applying for jobs online and watching DBZ. Bored out of my skull. Didn’t post for about a week and a half. Too bored to do so. So on to the things I really wanted to talk about. So as everyone knows, it’s a new year. With that comes new year’s resolutions. I decided a while ago that I’m just not the type of person that is capable of change, so I usual don’t give a fuck about resolutions. However, lately […]
Hello. You know what fascinates me? Despite how bad my existential crisis gets, despite me knowing my existence is pointless, despite that constant feeling of wanting to stop it all, my mind still finds a way to wander. This is the funniest thing to me. I’ll be deep in thought about trying to figure out all of this or be in a slump because of how pointless it all is, but my mind will still find a way to worry about trivial matters. “If I manage to land that subway job, all it would take is two months of saving […]
Hello. People are fragile. They are really really really really fragile. Let me give you two example, both of which are very close to me. My Grandfather is very fragile. Let me give you context. His family came from Mexico. I don’t know all the details, but I know they weren’t rich. In fact they were very poor. My great grandfather died when my grandfather was in the sixth grade. Being the oldest male (He had one older sister), it was his job to provide for the family now. So he went to work. […]
Hello. So a few days ago I was watching some tv around midnight waiting for my computer to download something. I somehow found myself watching Death of a Salesman from 1985 on TMC or something. It was about half way done and it was at the part where the mother is chewing out her kids for not respecting their father and how hard he’s worked or whatever. She was talking about how he’s worked his whole life at some sales firm and now they took his salary away and how he seems to be cracking under the pressure. I remember […]
Hello. Yesterday was my eighteenth birthday. It was rather mediocre. I had a nice steak. I walked around a mall for about an hour doing jack shit. My parents kept asking me what I wanted to do, and I said “There’s nothing I really wanted to do.”. Trying to celebrate a depressed person’s birthday must really suck. I actually have to give my mother credit. Usually she would just lose her temper and tell me that I’m being selfish or something to that effect. Instead she was very patient. Overall it was very mediocre for […]
Hello. They deferred me. I wasn’t building it up that much in my mind, but the university I applied to sent out acceptance emails for early action applicants. Like I said, I didn’t really care what my results were going to be seeing as I can’t afford it either way. This though, was probably the worst answer I probably could have gotten. The whole point of applying early was to get an answer and be done with it. Like ripping off a band-aid. Now they are just dragging out my execution. Of course my parents were mad. […]
Hello. I have a problem with communicating. I find it hard to properly express what exactly is in my head. Part of the reason being is that I don’t know exactly what’s in my head. My mind also seems to be in a constant argument with itself, which also doesn’t help. There is also the fact that I don’t really know how to read social cues all that well. It’s hard to tell what people are thinking. I know I don’t belong. Here or anywhere. It’s hard. Walking around and looking at everyone who gets […]
Hello. I need to grab this by the horns. My mind seems to like to wonder and make mistakes. I need to focus. My head likes to lie to me. It tells me that it’s possible. The truth is that I’m alone. I will always be alone. I want to stop thinking about this. If I force myself I will stop. I need to force myself to snap out of it. Eventually I will snap out of it. It doesn’t even matter. It will fade. I just got to force myself. […]
Hello. Which is better? To forget how pointless your life is and go on like everyone else or to be constantly thinking about it all the time? When you go about your day free from the depressing thoughts you set yourself up to be even more disappointed when that sudden realization hits you again. Always being depressed kind of sucks, but you know what your getting when you wake up in the morning. I feel like I’m falling back into the usual cycle of going about my day. I know I’m going to fall back into my depressive state. […]
Hello. Why as people do we need other people? I guess I kind of covered this in one of my last posts. I guess this time around will be a broader need of human interaction. Why do people need the approval and acceptance of those around us? Why do we need friends and family to spend time with us on our birthday? Why do we need our parents to accept us and love us? Why do humans need someone other than themselves. Like I said I covered this in another post (About Love). I understand it […]
Hello. I need to focus on myself. Today I tried talking to my mom. She wasn’t saying anything to me and just sat there. Then she said “We don’t really talk anymore.”. I just looked at her and said ok ok ok and left. I didn’t want to deal with it. She might be going through depression issues. Ironic. Its funny because it seems she expects me to talk to her more and cheer he up and shit. I know I can’t go talk to her about any of this. I just can’t. […]
Hello. After I came back from break, I did my best to avoid a particular person. It wasn’t hard seeing as this person doesn’t even know I existed. Today they called me over as I was sitting on the bench and asked if they could braid my hair. I have long hair for a guy. Their hands ran through my hair. They made a few comments about how soft my hair was. All of a sudden they stopped. My hair wasn’t braided. They looked down at one of their friends phones and said nothing to me. […]
Hello. The weeds are growing back again. Yesterday I went to go watch a movie with a few friends and eat lunch. For my birthday. First time I’ve done something for my birthday since I was in elementary. It was nice. Today went by as usual. I expected to be content for a bit longer than this. As the day went on I had fleeting thoughts about the bad stuff. Just fleeting. The weeds are growing back. They are small right now, but they will grow back. It’s one thing when they grow […]
Hello. What prompts a person to fall in love? Why do people do it? I know why from a social scientific point. I know why from a biological point. But why do people fall in love? Biologically, all animals have a need to reproduce. Mammals need two to tango, if you understand my meaning. Right now though, with the human population being around 7 billion, I think people have less of an urge to do that. Most people have opted out of having kids now a days, what with money and such. Then there is […]
Hello. The cycle has begun again. So Wednesday, after making my last post, I had a sort of small meltdown. I was getting something from the fridge and my father was getting on my case over taking some claritin he left me on the counter that morning. I told him for the fourth time that I was going to take the sleeping one right before I go to bed. He walked away and started to mutter about how I’m going crazy and that he’s tired of dealing with my anxiety or something to that effect. No usually I would […]
Hello. I’ve got no idea why I haven’t gone through with it yet. Everyday, 24/7 I think about it. Every waking moment I want to do it. But why haven’t I done it yet? If I keep thinking about it so much and I’ve decided that I don’t care anymore, why I am still here? Why do I still get up in the morning? Why haven’t I gotten a kitchen knife, locked my door, and gotten the deed done with? Why do I still insist on doing the work and going to school and eating if I […]
Hello. Not feeling well. All I think of now is how to make it stop. Every moment of every day. The holidays were not kind as usual. Between my family giving me the hard sale and the general loneliness it wasn’t that great. The worst part is always coming back to the usual. I can handle being by myself. What I can’t handle is feeling like I’m by myself when I have to go out in public. The problem with loneliness is that it only hits you when you are out and about. You get […]
Hello. There isn’t alot I want to talk about right now. Thanksgiving is tomorrow. Many of us here probably don’t care or don’t want to think about it. Music always takes my mind off something. There’s loads of artists and songs I’m thinking of. Like Baby Blue Sedan (Modest Mouse), Blame it on the Tetons (Modest Mouse), One Chance (Modest Mouse), The Good Times Are Killing Us (Modest Mouse) Empire Ants (Gorillaz), To Binge (Gorillaz), Rhinestone Eyes (Gorillaz), Feel Good Inc (Gorillaz), Do Ya Thing (Gorillaz) (I like the 13 min version), All Alone (Gorillaz), Super Fast Jellyfish […]
Hello. I have no idea how to act around other people. Often times I will alternate between being very obnoxious and loud to being quiet and stand offish. I often act and self label as an asshole and people tend to agree. I can’t say that people hate me, while at the same time I can’t say people like me either. If anything, people are indifferent towards me. They might act annoyed or tolerate being around me, but they never outright say they like having me around or tell me to fuck off. I’m just not important enough […]