Author

jadedkeizy

Imagine …

by jadedkeizy 10/14/2015

written by jadedkeizy

Imagine you didn’t have your iphone no more and all electronic equipment stopped operating after some cataclysmic disaster ( Maybe spillage from a colossal nuclear tank arsenal , will leave you to imagine the worst case scenario).

This means no internet, mechanised farming is no more and therefore we have to forage for food in the wild. The money system has crashed and you cannot borrow a dollar from a neighbour because they are in the same condition as you.

There’s chaos in the streets, killing and pillaging. Fighting over food specks and there’s scarcity of clean water and the air is of course unbearably rancid. Imagine that […]

10/14/2015 10 comments

recovery …

by jadedkeizy 10/13/2015

written by jadedkeizy

On fluoxetine. Loss of appetite and constant buzzing in my ears aside, my anxiety has subsided and breathing is bearable. I am supposed to take these meds for 2 weeks after which I’ll go back to see my therapist to assess my condition. What’s your experience with fluoxetine??…. That’s my sad depressed face.

10/13/2015 10 comments

how i fell …

by jadedkeizy 10/9/2015

written by jadedkeizy

I feel like I am being controlled by unknown forces. These thoughts are not mine any more …

10/9/2015 5 comments

I’m irredeemable …

by jadedkeizy 10/5/2015

written by jadedkeizy

I have failed to get control of my thoughts. It’s so hard for me to think good thoughts. Anything positive that comes to my head is thwarted and all I see is gloom and doom. Immobilizing existential crises and depression are steadily eating away at me. Advice gives me an anxiety attack. I always have a toxic serum tucked away under my pillow. My friend won’t talk to me anymore because she thinks I am irredeemable and I guess depression is contagious. I feel so guilty and worthless because she beat her depression and I am still stuck in this rut. I guess I can […]

10/5/2015 2 comments

weary

by jadedkeizy 9/30/2015

written by jadedkeizy

I am so weary. I cannot stop thinking about death. The thought of smiling scares the hell out of me. I lack enthusiasm to make moves or find a job. I am fucking useless piece of shit. I cry uncontrollably and can do virtually nothing meaningful with my life. My friend beat her depression and anxiety. She’s always been there for me but it looks like she’s getting a little distant because my depression is chronic… just when I thought I was gonna turn my life around.

I radiate negativity and sadness and well, that’s not something normal people or those that have finally decided to take charge […]

9/30/2015 4 comments

R.I.P David Foster

by jadedkeizy 9/25/2015

written by jadedkeizy

“The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window […]

9/25/2015 3 comments

Enter my void …

by jadedkeizy 9/22/2015

written by jadedkeizy

Damn, I have gotten fired up these past few weeks. A strange zest for life cloaks me. I’ve been feeling so empowered to turn my life around. However, in the back of my mind I am always calculating my next existential crisis. I feel like my depression and anxiety might be hiding around the corner waiting to beat me down to a vegetative state. I don’t want that shit to happen man. I hate crying myself to sleep. And occasionaly I picture myself in a funeral suit, it makes me cringe. I hate these thoughts because they push me to the edge of insanity.

9/22/2015 1 comment

Saw Series ….

by jadedkeizy 9/19/2015

written by jadedkeizy

I am watching the Saw Series and the main character “John Crammer” intrigues me. It is interesting how he revitalizes people who would have otherwise been irredeemable if he hadn’t captured and given them a series of tests that push human tenacity to the limit.

Apathetic individuals who’ve lost all hope are given a lease on life when John Crammer paints a gory spectre of death right in front of them. It’s surprising how their lives change when they pass these tests. They cease to be self destructive and live normal lives.

But these are just movies anyway. Real life is a lot more complex.

9/19/2015 8 comments

by jadedkeizy 9/17/2015

written by jadedkeizy

“Normal life is not real. We are just cogs in a wheel. We work, we hurt, we search, we feel”

—- Canibus

9/17/2015 0 comment

would you take the Job?

by jadedkeizy 9/15/2015

written by jadedkeizy

9/15/2015 5 comments

New dawn …

by jadedkeizy 9/13/2015

written by jadedkeizy

Spent the past weeks in hospital after yet another failed attempt at taking my life. I wanna turn my life around. Maybe it ain’t my time to go yet. I’m still going to give life another shot. Got a great job offer. Will start as soon as I leave the hospital.

Suicidal thougts still linger in my head but I made them my ally now. They are pretty managable. I still hope to work to earn enough money for a peaceful exit. But until then, there’s a lot of ass I gotta kick and there’s also a whole lot of ass to admire lol. 🙂 I […]

9/13/2015 2 comments

by jadedkeizy 9/1/2015

written by jadedkeizy

Just tired of life. Tired of dealing with mindless sheeple out there. Tired of the world and its empty material pursuits. Tired of faking the funk when I obviously don’t give a shit about anything anymore. I am to mentally sick to do anything meaningful with my life. I have come to terms with my fate. Tired of family that only tells me to pray to mythical men in the sky as a remedy for my depressive state. Sick and tired of all that. I am going to pop 5 lethal pesticide pills and that will be it. I have always been looking for something […]

9/1/2015 1 comment

The question of ” What are you doing with your Life?

by jadedkeizy 8/27/2015

written by jadedkeizy

I always meet the people I went to school with. I am always happy to see them suited up and happy. Of course we catch up on certain memories. They tell me about how they’re climbing the status ladder at their corporate jobs, their kids and all that. And then comes the ultimate question that I dread the most…………. ” WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE??”

Has any of you SP members been caught up in such a situation? Damn that question feels like shards of bomb shrapnel coming straight at you. Like what the fuck do you want me to say man?? Hahaha I […]

8/27/2015 20 comments

by jadedkeizy 8/26/2015

written by jadedkeizy

Would a check of 10 million dollars cure your depression? If I signed you a check, would you take it? Would that make you want to live? Maybe a trip to a luxurious destination would liberate you from depression? Maybe splurging on a yacht with so many amenities. Would that really cut it??

8/26/2015 10 comments

Lost, Jaded, torn, confused and at the brink of madness…

by jadedkeizy 8/19/2015

written by jadedkeizy

I woke up focused on purging the pain. Spent all day in the hills trying to find peace. Came back to my little cottage that reeks of death. Cried and punched the wall till my wrist got sprained. Bottle of liquor and a handful of toxic killers. Just looking at them and crying. Their punget smell just painted a horrific spectre of death. I just couldn’t do it. Whoever said suicide is the easy way out deserves to go to hell. I just feel so alone and torn apart from the inside. I don’t know what else to do.

8/19/2015 4 comments

Rat race …

by jadedkeizy 8/18/2015

written by jadedkeizy

So what is the point?? There’s no point!!

8/18/2015 0 comment

Some quotes for the day…

by jadedkeizy 8/17/2015

written by jadedkeizy

“There is no point treating a depressed person as though she were just feeling sad, saying, ‘There now, hang on, you’ll get over it.’ Sadness is more or less like a head cold- with patience, it passes. Depression is like cancer.”
? Barbara Kingsolver, The Bean Trees

“Its so hard to talk when you want to kill yourself. That’s above and beyond everything else, and it’s not a mental complaint-it’s a physical thing, like it’s physically hard to open your mouth and make the words come out. They don’t come out smooth and in conjunction with your brain the way normal people’s words do; they come […]

8/17/2015 2 comments

Release…

by jadedkeizy 8/17/2015

written by jadedkeizy

These past few days have been full of epiphanies, deep reflection and tears and a strange sense peace. Knowing that my ship is about to set sail into the unknown has created some serenity in my mind. I was tired of being motionless and receiving constant beat down. Relocated to the country, all I do is just breathe and watch the lush greenery. I am preparing for release.

“Life can be a setback, and death can be progression
Life can be a burden and death can be release
Life can be a problem and death can be a solution
If your life is death there can […]

8/17/2015 0 comment

Buck stops here …

by jadedkeizy 8/13/2015

written by jadedkeizy

It’s been a long ride man. I’m soon derailing the train and go on an infinite cosmic quest in the realm of the unknown. Next week I end it all. I have already printed my suicide note. Already dropped it at my big brother’s corporate office. He then messaged me on facebook with his banal Jesus loves you grace preaching. As thought it will liberate me from my draconian fate.

Life is just funny man. I never thought I’d tread such a dreary path. I don’t wanna live any more. Lost all Hope, Lost all passion for life. Hahahaha I even quit my fucking job yesterday, […]

8/13/2015 7 comments

Reasons why I want to end it all

by jadedkeizy 8/10/2015

written by jadedkeizy

1. Life basically has no inherent meaning and humanity is insignificant in this gargantuan universe.

2. I hate capitalism and technology. Humanity is collectively vying for a superlative goal. This goal constitutes building Artificial Intelligence that will soon render human existence superfluous. Capitalism is a way of evolving collective “God”-consciousness

3. I hate the system and its procrustean laws. Always keeping us domesticated. Of course I can’t fight back alone. I am powerless to run the gauntlet solo. Our behaviour is closely monitored through soul crushing 9 to 5 jobs and mindless entertainment to act as a vehicle for temporary escape and not be able to remember […]

8/10/2015 4 comments

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