I’m not even sure how to do all this, I haven’t taken the time to read through everything. I just need to get this out. Now.
I think too much, way too much. I’m a 40 year old female who has thought about dieing since I was a teenager. I guess I’ve always been scared to live. I was bullied horribly in school. I never felt like I was good enough for my parents… But all of that is more than 2 decades in the past. Maybe that is what started my depression. I can’t even remember not being depressed. Now though, I’m on medication that helps take the edge off I guess.
I can’t stop questioning why… Why am I here? What is real? What is true? I’ve always been searching for myself. I’ve always been searching for the Truth. I’ve always been searching for ‘god’ or whatever you want to call the origin of everything. Is It even real? What is It’s purpose? Why?
I’ve given Christianity a real try and after studying intensely for years and years I finally can put that religion away… I know it is not the Truth. Is reincarnation? I do have something like ‘memories’ of living in other bodies, in other times… But is that real? Or my imagination?
I have studied so many different religions & belief systems and nothing rings True with me. I feel so lost, so empty – like I am floating in the vast, endless universe with nothing to hold onto, nothing to touch.
I am not close to my parents or any of my other family members, most I haven’t seen or talked to since I was a kid. I only have 3 friends. One lives a few hours away and we see each other once a years. We never talk on the phone and we only email each other 2 or 3 times a year, if that much. One of my other friends is really just a roommate, I’ve known her for a long time but I don’t like her, we just have totally different ideas about things. She is very shallow and self centered and materialistic. The last and only really true friend I have is like a sister but she is sort of emotionally distant. We’ve known each other for over 20 years. She used to be sort of my girlfriend but she has terrible problems being emotionally close. There is a lot of water under that bridge, so to speak. I don’t feel like I can trust her with my inner-most self. She has hurt me terribly in the past and I just can’t go there again.
I don’t have anyone else. I have nothing to believe in. I feel so cold and alone. I’ve tried to kill myself (in earnest) two times. I dream about it almost everyday, some days its all I think about. But I’m so damn curious about what the Truth is that I keep going, day after day. And I know that really, it doesn’t matter what the Truth is… Does it? I mean, I guess I’ll find out when I’m dead, if there is anything to find out at all.