Does anyone hate the term “man up” as much as I do? I mean no one can really measure how much physical or emotional pain another human being is in and so all they say as advice and support when you’re in pain is “man up” like the pain isn’t real, like we’re not trying to feel better. Why can’t people just say nothing instead of saying potentially harmful things like “man up”. Don’t you think I’d pull myself out of this darkness and despair that I’m feeling if I could? All I’m asking for is a little help and the advice that gets thrown […]
I recognise that I’m in a much better place than I was when I was first diagnosed with depression, but even four years on and I’m still incessantly fucking up and that’s the only thing that people actually see. I just wish that I would start learning from my mistakes and that people would stop judging me based on my past. I’m still holding myself back and its irritating. No doctor can save me from this, from myself. It will always be something that I carry with me, I just hope that it won’t weigh on me so much for the rest of my life.
I wish that I didn’t have hands and arms, so I wouldn’t pretend that they were yours when I hold myself for comfort.
I have no need for hands or arms , because I will never be able to hold you in mine.
I wish that I didn’t have feet or legs, so that I wouldn’t long to walk beside you for all of my days.
A path where that is possible doesn’t exist. Instead I shall walk alone forever and grow tired and weary with no use for these limbs of mine without you.
I wish that I didn’t have a spine, so that I wouldn’t […]
I recently cut myself after not cutting for at least 6 months. The trigger was so stupid, but it made me feel like the only way I could stop feeling like I was aquaplaning was to cut and I hadn’t felt like that for a long time. I took care of everything all ok, I mean I put antiseptic cream on it and then got it checked out by the school nurse when I thought it might be infected (it wasn’t). Eventually I told my mum after days of hiding it and it wasn’t a problem really, it just made her sad that I’d been […]
So this is it, the truth as I see it; I cannot help any of you, just as you cannot help me.
Everyone thinks I’m so much better and stable now than I was when I was 14, but even though it is evident that I have improved if you took away the anti-depressants that got me here then I would just crumble again. The pills don’t make me happy, they make me more balanced and stable and unfortunately I rely on that and knowing that makes me feel shit, because it reminds me that I cannot cope on my own. Also I can’t tell my family about how desperate I’ve been […]
Where the river runs red,
no one sleeps, but the dead,
with their eyes open wide,
they know nothing of pride,
in this land, despair reigns,
it has people in chains,
but the world doesn’t care,
it doesn’t know that it’s there,
for what it’s made this land feel,
it doesn’t believe to be real.
In the place where the red river flows,
it is only those,
that have lived there,
who can know,
why? People often come, but never go,
as where the river runs red,
all the people are dead.
When the shadow falls,
across your face,
and the crumbling walls,
leave only darkening dust […]
My past doesn’t really matter now, although the wounds still run deep in the hearts of my family and friends. I’m ashamed to say that I made those cuts and sores within them everytime I tried to hurt myself. This could be interpreted as me being self-centered which is not my intention, I just realise how much my actions effect other people around me and I’ll take responsibility for that.
I haven’t been a member of this website for very long, but I’m choosing to write now, because my one pressing reason to kill myself is something that I can’t bear to talk about with anyone. […]