My past doesn’t really matter now, although the wounds still run deep in the hearts of my family and friends. I’m ashamed to say that I made those cuts and sores within them everytime I tried to hurt myself. This could be interpreted as me being self-centered which is not my intention, I just realise how much my actions effect other people around me and I’ll take responsibility for that.
I haven’t been a member of this website for very long, but I’m choosing to write now, because my one pressing reason to kill myself is something that I can’t bear to talk about with anyone. This reason is sucking the life out of me each and every day, just eating away at me from the inside out and I’m not sleeping properly, because of it too. The reason is, that I think I might be homosexual. Nothing about me is rational and I know that my reason doesn’t sound rational at all, but I feel so disgusting and repulsive and full of self-hatred, because of this.
Half of my family are religious and the other half are common, hard as nails, farmers, so both wouldn’t take kindly to me being that way inclined. I’ve never had a problem with homosexuals and bisexuals, even before I was in this state of confusing distress, but it makes me terrified to think that there aren’t people as open-minded and accepting out there.
Some people know that I’m in this state of not knowing, although telling them didn’t help, because it feels like they’re holding they’re breath. It’s like waiting on the results of a pregnancy test for an unwanted pregnancy, everyone is hoping that it comes back negative and I turn out to be straight. I tried talking to my mum about it, but she was very evasive and just tried to brush it under the carpet, so I haven’t spoken about it to her since then.
The people that know about my current state say that they wouldn’t see me any differently, but they would. I know this, because one of my friends came out as bi recently and everyone has been talking about it behind his back. I just don’t want anyone to get hurt and I don’t want to get hurt either. I can’t face the thought of rejection and disownment. I don’t want to be the disappointment in people’s lives either, because lets face it who wants their child to grow up to be homosexual? I don’t see a life ahead of me if this is what I am. I could never have kids, not even by adoption, because I wouldn’t want to subject a child to that.
Being homosexual would mean that I would live in constant fear, shame and guilt and that is why I want to die. I don’t know what else to do.