My past doesn’t really matter now, although the wounds still run deep in the hearts of my family and friends. I’m ashamed to say that I made those cuts and sores within them everytime I tried to hurt myself. This could be interpreted as me being self-centered which is not my intention, I just realise how much my actions effect other people around me and I’ll take responsibility for that.
I haven’t been a member of this website for very long, but I’m choosing to write now, because my one pressing reason to kill myself is something that I can’t bear to talk about with anyone. This reason is sucking the life out of me each and every day, just eating away at me from the inside out and I’m not sleeping properly, because of it too. The reason is, that I think I might be homosexual. Nothing about me is rational and I know that my reason doesn’t sound rational at all, but I feel so disgusting and repulsive and full of self-hatred, because of this.
Half of my family are religious and the other half are common, hard as nails, farmers, so both wouldn’t take kindly to me being that way inclined. I’ve never had a problem with homosexuals and bisexuals, even before I was in this state of confusing distress, but it makes me terrified to think that there aren’t people as open-minded and accepting out there.
Some people know that I’m in this state of not knowing, although telling them didn’t help, because it feels like they’re holding they’re breath. It’s like waiting on the results of a pregnancy test for an unwanted pregnancy, everyone is hoping that it comes back negative and I turn out to be straight. I tried talking to my mum about it, but she was very evasive and just tried to brush it under the carpet, so I haven’t spoken about it to her since then.
The people that know about my current state say that they wouldn’t see me any differently, but they would. I know this, because one of my friends came out as bi recently and everyone has been talking about it behind his back. I just don’t want anyone to get hurt and I don’t want to get hurt either. I can’t face the thought of rejection and disownment. I don’t want to be the disappointment in people’s lives either, because lets face it who wants their child to grow up to be homosexual? I don’t see a life ahead of me if this is what I am. I could never have kids, not even by adoption, because I wouldn’t want to subject a child to that.
Being homosexual would mean that I would live in constant fear, shame and guilt and that is why I want to die. I don’t know what else to do.
6 comments
Hey.
Thanks for sharing.
Your situation sounds very unpleasant. Who’d want to risk loosing the love of their family and maybe even closest friends?
I’d like to ask you a couple of questions, is that OK?
First off, it seems it is important for you to be able to label yourself either straight, gay or bi. Why?
Second, you wrote this: “Being homosexual would mean that I would live in constant fear, shame and guilt(…)”. How do you know?
Third, come to Denmark. It’s fucking cold all year, but very tolerant. Except for the church (obviously). But no one goes there anyway…
Best wishes (and hugs),
Daniel
First of all I really appreciate your response, until I’ve really been struggling solo with this. In answer to your questions 1) I think that I look to label myself, because I have such a fear of the unknown and like things to be laid out in black and white. I am very much a person of habit and routine and I often seek confirmation to uncertainties, because I feel more uneasy not knowing where the boundaries are. 2) I openly admit that I have low self-esteem and the way that I feel in my life is often dependent on what others think of me, unfortunately. Going in to specifics and following my natural tendencies as an anxious person that worries, I know that I would live in fear of rejection and also discrimination, confrontation and conflict. I would feel ashamed and guilty that I had become something that the people around me never really wanted me to be, therefore a disappointment. You may still question why, but I just feel it my gut. Like I said though I’m not rational and I do get overly anxious.
Thank you for your kind comments,
C
Hi there,
I am new to this site, and although I have never really had thoughts of suicide, but I am no stranger to depression and I feel the need to reach out to so many people who are struggling in this world.
Your first goal I think you should strive to reach is to change your thinking. You’re letting other people dictate how you feel about yourself and that’s not fair to you. Just because someone else tells you it’s wrong doesn’t mean you should take their words at face value. Remember: when you are going through anything, no matter what it is, there are ALWAYS other people who are going through the same things. Maybe reach out to other people who are confused, or even other people who are homosexuals, and maybe they can comfort some of your pain.
I know you love your family, and they seem to love you too. But you can’t let them control your life. If they wouldn’t be accepting of you they way you are (or might be), then you might have cut your losses. It’s not worth your life! You deserve to be happy, just like anyone else in this cold, hard, world. Also, remember family isn’t just blood.
I know things are not perfect in this day in age. But this isn’t the 1900’s. You don’t have to live in fear, embarrassment, or shame. You don’t have to broadcast your sexuality to anyone, because it isn’t anyone’s business.
I urge you to just try not to worry too much about placing a label on yourself, and try to enjoy your life without concerning yourself about what other people think of you. I lived the majority of my life trying to do that, and it didn’t get me very far, it just sunk me into more depression, and I ended up putting too much pressure on myself. I wish you the very best, and hope you can overcome this hurdle in your life 🙂 Things will get better if you let them.
You just wrote my life story. I have the SAME problems. There’s just a difference. I’m going away. That’s the only option I see. I’m moving to Europe to figure out if I can have a different life. I’m not concerned about my sexuality. I just don’t like myself lying to everybody. But as you I couldn’t support the idea of them being ashamed and disappointed.
I don’t have the courage to take off my own life. I’ve searched this courage. And since I didn’t find it Im gonna do what I think it will be the less painful way for me and for those I love.
I think there I’ll have the chance to be myself. Without stereotypes.
I’ll would just search the courage to suicide again just if they let me alone after I tell them the truth. I would just end my life to ask them for forgiveness. That’s the only meaning of suicide for me.
There is a really good movie called ‘prayers for bobby’ you can watch it for free at tv.blinkx.com . I know you will enjoy the movie.
Dude if you don’t have the possibility to try something different as I’m doing, do NEVER kill yourself without telling those you love. Because after you suicide I’m sure they will forgive you. Bastards. They just show love after they lose you =/
I wish you PEACE and HAPPINESS the same way I wish it for myself.
Hi again C.
First off, thank you for taking the time to reply and answer my questions even though you feel really bad. It means a lot to me.
Second, I’m kinda concerned, cause I want to help you, but I’m struggling to find out how. Evidently you yourself have the best view of your problems, you’ve thought a lot about them and come to the conclusion that you want to commit suicide.
I suspect (please correct me) that this is because you want peace and an end to the torment you are experiencing?
Suicide is a tempting solution (I myself am suicidal), because it is pretty hands-on and effective. However, it does cause a lot of collateral damage, and might even go wrong.
But I’d like to borrow the “hands-on” quality of suicide, the fact that you are actually taking action.
I suggest you try to shake up your situation by doing something. Thinking is all well and good, but acting is often very effective.
How about simply going ahead and telling your family you are gay? It is crazy, I know, but it would be damn brave, and rather interesting, don’t you think?
Also, if you haven’t already, how about watching that movie some1 recommended? I havn’t seen it, but it might make a difference.
I’m sorry, I don’t know if it makes any sense, but I really encourage you to try and solve your problems through action. It could be lots of random things. Going to a gay club. Changing jobs. Volunteering. Whatever would change your life and give you an injection of excitement and joy. Or fear. Or whatever.
What do you think?
All the best 🙂
-Daniel
Thanks everyone for your comments, this is just a quick update to tell you all that I told my mum and she has spoken to her mother (the highly religious one) about it. No one on my dad’s side of the family knows though, I’m not ready for that yet. Things have died down a little now, although things feel weirder and more awkward instead now. I’m less anxious though and I’m getting more sleep. Changing my thought patterns is going take time, especially as the mental health service has been trying to help me do that for the past two years anyway. I definitley feel a bit more rational about the problems with my sexuality at present though and so I’m just left with my other issues to contend with at the moment.
C