just.forget.it

keeping friends has always been a struggle for me and i get scared every time i make new friends. i’m really good at small talk but once people really get to know me they never really want to stay. i feel like i’m too much.

i give so much of myself into the friendship they get overwhelmed by me. so then i just shut down and try not to bother them anymore. this keeps happening and i don’t know how to fix myself. at this point i think it’s better not to try anymore.

another semester has begun and i’m already miserable. i hate all of my classes and my professors so far. i live on campus but i have a hard time making friends in the dorms. it’s my second year and i have no one. i know it’s my fault but i every time i get the chance to make friends my anxiety takes over and i begin to spiral into thinking they hate me. i feel like i can never build a close relationship with anyone anymore.

i’ve decided that it’s finally my time. i don’t have a perfect plan but writing the letters has helped me finalize my decision. i can’t feel like this anymore.  what is the point of trying when all i’m ever gonna feel is never ending sadness.

i don’t want to feel anymore.

i feel like i’ve been pretending all my life to be the person everyone wants me to be. i don’t know who i really am. i don’t know how to exist without thinking of how other people think of me. it’s pathetic, i know.

i thought this year would turn out differently. i wanted to make friends and finally have people to go to at school. i just suck at talking at people and my anxiety doesn’t help with it either. I hate that every time I try I always end up failing.

i’m not scared of dying. i’m scared of surviving the attempt.

i just want to sleep and never wake up. or just runaway from everyone i know and start fresh. there’s no in between.

i’m very nervous to meet my new roommate

i don’t know why i’m dreading going back to school, other than the fact I have a new roommate that i know nothing about. i can’t sleep, i can’t think, at least i haven’t given into my urge to cut all of break.

i feel like i’ve done nothing with my life. i’ve wasted all my time doing pointless shit and i’m not working towards anything because i’m just going to die anyways!!!

i wish i never existed

why do people make things worse?

i’ve been doing better up until recently. i cut again for the first time in months. i’ve been trying really hard to do better but life is getting really overwhelming. i just want everything to stop. i wish someone noticed something is wrong with me.

i think i’m just scared of everyone dying before me. i always thought i would kill myself before i got to high school, and now i graduate in june. the thought of being an adult and going to university  scares the hell out of me and i don’t know if i should go on.

my mom saw my scars and asked what happened to my arm. i don’t know what to tell her.