I have one person that insists i tell her everything, but when i do, she doesn’t know what to say to me. She doesn’t understand why I feel ab certain way or why i behave a certain way. Its so difficult to try to explain things to her and then she gets mad because i don’t give her a good answer. I can’t keep telling her things because i can’t explain anything and she doesn’t want to listen just interrogate me and i cannot stand it any longer.
But i don’t know what to do without her… i am too dependent on her […]
so my birthday is tomorrow and i’m not the least bit excited for it. its just another day, another year that has passed by. i don’t see any reasons to look forward to a birthday or a new year and i don’t understand how people can get so excied by that. i’m just getting older, wow… not really something to celebrate.
i thought the term go away was a pretty clear statement… obviously not because it took my brother five minutes to get the message that i wanted him to leave, and the whole time i kept telling him to go away, that he actually needed to go away. so i was mad, sad and having a panic attack all at the same time. i still can’t calm down, but i don’t want to punch someone else but myself anymore.
Great… i just found out that my brother was put in jail for aggravated assault for pulling a gun out on some people because they were chasing him down with a baseball bat.
i am freaking out right now, over absolutely nothing. my anxiety is acting up, and i’m about to cry. i have no way to calm down but listening to music and i can’t do that because i’ll get yelled at for it. i don’t know what to do at all. i’m afraid i’ll end up having thoughts of suicide, as i do almost everyday, only sometimes i act on it.
I’ve been writing a book for about a year here’s an excerpt from it.
I felt, once again, that my heart had been ripped out of my chest and torn into shreds. I wish i could explain the way i feel, all the pain and sadness; I don’t know what to do. I’m confused, why do I have to be put through this? I wish I could be normal and be able to do whatever Outsiders do, it’s got to be better than being in here. Normal on the Inside is to be wary of everybody, even your roommate of three years because they could snap […]
what am i hiding?
my whole life is a lie
 will i ever be okay again?
why won’t anyone believe me?
i’m tired of trying
i’m worthless
these are just a few of my millions of thoughts… i’m trying so hard to sort them out. i hate when i think like this because there are so many thoughts and a lot of them aren’t good and they hit me all at once, and then i can’t think about anything else. i’m never free from all the thoughts that haunt me.
i am so tired of trying i get nothing out of it except a day of pain and emptiness. the picture says it all.
today i saw a new therapist and she asked me quite a few questions i was uncomfortable answering but i tried hard to answer. she said a lot of stuff that caught my attention. one question she asked me was “what motivates you?” and i didn’t like that i couldn’t find an answer to it. i don’t know what motivates me to do anything or why i get up and do the things i do, and that scares me. i remember writing something down in a diary/journal that i was afraid of becoming like a zombie, being emotionless and not knowing what keeps me going, […]
i have been having some terrible thoughts and they show up on everything i do. my mind is now my worst enemy… it brings so much pain into my life and i never wished to keep living but yet i do… each and every day. should it be considered inhumane to keep someone who can’t live with the pain they face to continue living? i know that i hate waking up each morning and facing the world as if there was nothing wrong with me and that i can bear everything that comes my way. as of right now i would love to go to […]
i have been so depressed the past few days and all i feel is extreme sadness. i hate not feeling anything else. all i ever feel is sad and empty. i hate that everyday i have to fight myself just to stay alive… and its so hard to do especially when everyone at home refuses to listen to me. i can say anything and they won’t even recognize i’m talking… so most of the time i avoid them or i don’t even say a word because apparently what i have to say is not important. one day i’ll just break and be gone and they’ll […]
so i had school today… and this year since i started having panic attacks in july, i’ve been really stressed out in school because my anxiety kicks in when there is too much noise or too many people. i have been able to manage when it kicks in in the classroom, but today they decided to have a ‘pep rally’…that did not work out very well for me. i ended up having a panic attack and had to leave the gym.
i can’t concentrate on anything… anywhere. i have homework that needs to be done on the computer almost every night and i’ve been able to do it in my room up until yesterday. i don’t know why but my mom wants me to do all my work on the computer downstairs and i can’t even concentrate in my room by myself…. how does she expect me to do it downstairs when i can’t really even do it in my room? i hate explaining myself to my mom because she doesn’t listen to me and she doesn’t even try to listen to me anyways. i always […]
yesterday was a terrible day and i couldn’t stand it and my brother came and yelled at me to turn my music off and i just broke down… i don’t know how to calm down any other way… and he told me to stop whining and suck it up… and how exactly am i supposed to do that?
i hate it when my mom decides not to let me eat and she doesn’t really realise that its not much of a punishment for me. i don’t eat much anyways and it won’t hurt to go hungry one more night…
there is so much i have to say and i don’t really know where to begin… so i’ll try to start from the beginning. i don’t really remember ever being very happy. i spent the first five years of my life with a father who did and sold drugs all the time and when and if he came home he was abusive towards my mom. i don’t remember this but my mom told me that he pushed her down the stairs when she was pregant with my youngest brother. we never really had much money because my mom couldn’t work with all of us being […]
i don’t know why i put up with everything everyday. i thought it was because i wanted to be strong for my niece and my family but sometimes i find that i don’t even feel anything towards them. i hate lying about my life to other people but i can’t tell them the truth. i know how many people love and care for me but it makes me feel bad because i don’t love them like i should. all i want is to be happy, to have a real smile on my face, and to be able to say i love you to someone and acutally mean it. […]
I feel that i have lost everything i have ever had, even though i know i haven’t. i can’t pay attention in school and its getting me in trouble there and i can’t do my work because i don’t know how to do it because i can’t pay attention in class, which is making my grades drop drastically. i used to care about wanting to pass school now all i want to do is lay in bed excluded from everyone. i wish i could find what was holding me back from comiting suicide so i can just get my stupid life over with.
some people think it is funny to throw the term suicide up in peoples faces; although if yo are sucidal you want everything to end and you always want to move on but there seems to be no other way out. i have attempted suicide several times now but mostly i have been nonchalantly injuring myself… to where its not extremely noticiable but to where it hurts bad enough for a second that i forget all my mental pain to focus on that one little thing. i won’t be suprised if in the next few days i attempt to take my life again… i just […]