For a few weeks, I was feeling great. The best id ever felt, I had so much courage from my friends and most importantly my bf. Yet I am getting into a state where I have begin to think I am over weight. I look in the mirror every day and hate my body, my skin, my size, everything. me. just me. I used to not eat at school, id never eat breakfast. I still dont and cant remember the last time I did. I would tell friends at school I ate breakfast so they wouldn’t worry about me not eating lunch. Id then tell my parents that I ate a hot meal at school so didn’t want any dinner. Id cry every night. Turn off my phone, I wanted no contact from anyone. I would spend hours in my bathroom on the floor crying. and I feel as if I want to make myself throw up again. I tried so fucking hard not to eat. But it takes so much effort. it was all I thought about. another day without eating. But after 3 weeks going every day like this, my best friend noticed and wouldn’t let me leave until he knew I ate. After that I began eating, not lots but something. Sometimes I would binge eat shit food, or go without eating hardly anyhing. I want to do that again. I have no idea what to do to give me the motivation, if I eat I end up hating myself and self harm to show myself im a disappointment
So, if you didn’t already know, you are now the third person that knows about this, I don’t like to tell people unless they are really close or I end up upsetting them therefore id tell them. Well last summer in 2018 I had the worst months of my life, there were 2 weeks where I decided not to eat at all and got taken to the hospital. I was in a state of mind where dying was the most important accomplishment for me. I’d lost the one person who made me stronger and who made me, me. I spent months on end crying and having these thoughts In my head. There were my ups and downs I admit, there were days where I cried from laughter but then there were days and nights where I cried from hate of myself and wanted to end everything. As soon as I started school I began to go to a counsellor after school which mum paid for and I would spill everything to her. Eventually she realised why I had these states of being happy and sad and it was me alternating from ‘manic and depressive episodes”. And to be fair I am still like it now if you haven’t noticed already. I used to post loads of paras on this website for suicide awareness about how I felt. It helped lot to let out my feelings but you know.
And after many weeks like this I told my bestest friends and literally couldn’t have asked for any better support or advice. I had a family of friends at skaters, ginger retard, binweeval, the seagull and the penguin. But then one by one they began to leave; the penguin was the only one who stayed and who supported me through everything and was literally my brother for 6 months. Then dorito came along and my life changed, I got controlled and loads more. Then I literally got used for my body by everyone; “gay boi” didn’t give two fucks about me, dorito wanted me to fuck him, even the penguin touched me up. The one person I had who I trusted my life with. After that I broke inside and lost everything. He was my human diary, my soul mate and when he did that it just broke me. The only messages I get were “fuck me” or “fit af” and I just wanted someone to love me for me not for my body. Or people taking advantage of me being able to help them with their problems or stop them from taking their lives. But on a day to day basis this happened. I couldn’t keep sending 4-page paragraphs, calls that lasts 12 hours, just to stop them and make them feel better. Because when I fell, no one was there for me. Not one single person.
Also, if you didn’t already know, I won’t eat for as long as I can when I’m sad, I will have constant thoughts that I’m ugly, I’m fat, I mean what can I say… I’ve been told it all before anyway so it’s true. I get told “why’d u look so depressed, oh wait you always are” I won’t go on social media for hours, I lock myself in my bathroom and literally cry four hours until my head fucking hurts, I’ve overdosed to make myself feel okay, I’ve become drunk just to get rid of all sad thoughts, I’ve cut to make myself feel better about the things I’ve fucked up in my life.