Thoughts begin filling my head again…

So, if you didn’t already know, you are now the third person that knows about this, I don’t like to tell people unless they are really close or I end up upsetting them therefore id tell them. Well last summer in 2018 I had the worst months of my life, there were 2 weeks where I decided not to eat at all and got taken to the hospital. I was in a state of mind where dying was the most important accomplishment for me. I’d lost the one person who made me stronger and who made me, me. I spent months on end crying and having these thoughts In my head. There were my ups and downs I admit, there were days where I cried from laughter but then there were days and nights where I cried from hate of myself and wanted to end everything. As soon as I started school I began to go to a counsellor after school which mum paid for and I would spill everything to her. Eventually she realised why I had these states of being happy and sad and it was me alternating from ‘manic and depressive episodes”. And to be fair I am still like it now if you haven’t noticed already. I used to post loads of paras on this website for suicide awareness about how I felt. It helped lot to let out my feelings but you know.

And after many weeks like this I told my bestest friends and literally couldn’t have asked for any better support or advice. I had a family of friends at skaters, ginger retard, binweeval, the seagull and the penguin. But then one by one they began to leave; the penguin was the only one who stayed and who supported me through everything and was literally my brother for 6 months. Then dorito came along and my life changed, I got controlled and loads more. Then I literally got used for my body by everyone; “gay boi” didn’t give two fucks about me, dorito wanted me to fuck him, even the penguin touched me up. The one person I had who I trusted my life with. After that I broke inside and lost everything. He was my human diary, my soul mate and when he did that it just broke me. The only messages I get were “fuck me” or “fit af” and I just wanted someone to love me for me not for my body. Or people taking advantage of me being able to help them with their problems or stop them from taking their lives. But on a day to day basis this happened. I couldn’t keep sending 4-page paragraphs, calls that lasts 12 hours, just to stop them and make them feel better. Because when I fell, no one was there for me. Not one single person.

Also, if you didn’t already know, I won’t eat for as long as I can when I’m sad, I will have constant thoughts that I’m ugly, I’m fat, I mean what can I say… I’ve been told it all before anyway so it’s true. I get told “why’d u look so depressed, oh wait you always are” I won’t go on social media for hours, I lock myself in my bathroom and literally cry four hours until my head fucking hurts, I’ve overdosed to make myself feel okay, I’ve become drunk just to get rid of all sad thoughts, I’ve cut to make myself feel better about the things I’ve fucked up in my life.