Things are going to Hell really fast. I’m running out of time and this house of cards is about to fall. Everything is so unstable, wrong and unbearable. People are dying, getting killed, going to jail and that isn’t even the end of it. I wish I was as strong like the people around me, after some family members died they just picked up the pieces and moved on… It would be sad to say that it took a tragedy to bring a family together, but maybe then they would start cherishing and appreciate each other, but it is even sadder to say that two […]
The idea of actually going through with suicide has never crossed my mind until this very moment… I mean you think about it but yearning it is a very different feeling. I’m not afraid of the pain, it can’t hurt as bad as what I’m going through and yes I know, people on this site and out in the world have a lot more problems than I do. Hell, if I could, I would fix everyone’s problems, no one should worry about having no money, losing a job, not being able to afford food or water, being sick or worse yet losing someone. No one […]
I’ve been calling people, reaching out for help, but all I get is a voice telling me to leave a message. Wait… hold on… I just heard gun shots. Two. They sound kind of far. Sorry about that, anyways back to what we were talking about.
At the beginning of 2012 I wrote a post, telling everyone here that I wished them the best, that we would get through all of our troubles together. I want to keep that promise, I want for all of us to find a light, a single light, and hand in hand, pull out of this darkness. Not that darkness is […]
Ten minutes ago I finished writing a suicide note. It ended with me telling everyone here that: “…I hope 2012 brings everyone here something that I couldn’t find, a new start, harmony and… the desire to live life.”
These past two years I have literly found peace in the idea of killing myself but it shouldn’t be that way. I don’t want to throw this opportunity away. I don’t want to end my life but I’m just so mad. There are so many people that have laughed at me, teased me, used me, looked past me, thrown me away… I’m so mad at seeing them have such […]
These past days at around 5 A.M. I’ve been waking up with horrible nightmares. All night I’m tossing and turning, feels like I haven’t slept at all. Sleep was the last place I had. It was the last six hours of just empty space, no thoughts, no voices… nothing like that. Then last night, everything I was trying to hide, invaded the last place I had, the last safe place I had. They were constantly reminding me, mocking me, taunting me…
Maybe it’s because I’m running out of time and they are trying to get some last cheap shots before I ended it. When does this […]
Monday I put up a post saying that I had an opportunity Saturday to change my life. That I would put in every ounce of effort I had into that opportunity. It involves getting a good job, making not great but decent money and fixing the wrongs that I have done in my life. But… I don’t think I can make it. I’ve ruined to many lives and I know that I won’t be able to fix anything. So, Friday night I’m going to rent a room at a rundown motel near my house and buy a bottle of vodka. I’m really sick of this. […]
Saturday morning I have a, what I think could be, the beginning of what could help me start changing my life, my outlook on life and myself. I am putting in every once of effort I have into that challenge but… if in 120 hours I fail… I’m quiting altogether. If in 120 hours I don’t accomplish what I’ve set out to do… the earth can have my body back and if their is a God… I’ll simply flash Him a wicked smile as He sentences me an eternity in Hell for ending my life early. CXX…
This is going to be short, I’m kind of tired. My mom tells me to open my eyes and see how beautiful life is… well… my eyes have been open and I’ve been looking. Actually, I’ve been searching, but the more I see… not the world it self but what I have offered in these 20 years of my exsitance… I’ve made it worse. I don’t deserve to be here and it seems like I find more reasons to call it quits than to actually continue…
I don’t know. I wish I didn’t feel like this. No one should ever “welcome” death… the way I do. it’s […]
You know how people say they have their good days and bad? For me it’s like that, but on an hourly basis. Does that make sense? No… for me either. It’s like one moment I feel fine. The next I’m worried. One moment I feel like I can go out there and face the world, the next I’m so scared to step food outside my bedroom door. One moment I’m so guilty with things I’ve done in my life, the next I could care less if the next time I closed my eyes I’d never wake up to see the light of day. I go […]
There is this page and a half letter that I wrote to post on this site, single spaced I might add. I wanted to explain why… I guess why I turned out the way I did. It goes into detail about things that happened to me and things that I had done to others. This morning I finished it and as I look over everything… and this maybe just the way I feel at the moment, but I honestly just want to leave it in the past and deal with life as it comes.
As a little girl I’ve been bullied mercilessly, abused, lied and passed around. […]
Last night I began to throw away all of my personal belonging.  I hardly looked at them because I didn’t want to linger in any memories or meanings they might have had… and they all did. I threw away some CD’s, birthday and valentine cards. It’s strange, actually going through with what I planned out. I don’t want to leave any trace that I was ever there. I don’t want my family to go through my things and be sad. They shouldn’t. If they knew all the bad things I did, they wouldn’t cry. I’m sick of trying to redeem myself, because for me, if […]
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