I feel like I have nothing to live for. I want to rest. I didn’t ask for this stupid life, so why am I responsible for keeping it up? I just want death.
Holy shit, I don’t know what is wrong with me. I feel like I’m so up and down. I like when I’m up, but that makes the downs so much harder to handle. I hate this. It’s excruciating to be depressed. I just think about suicide constantly, and I feel so alone, even when I have people to talk to, even when I have friends surrounding me. It’s times like this that make it hard not to just get it over with. And nobody has no idea.
Sometime I wonder why my friends bother to spend time with me at all. It’s like they come to hang out with each other in front of me but not hang out with me. It’s like I’m not here at all. I’m so sick of being invisible. I wish that I didn’t want to be noticed. I wish that I could be content to be by myself. Why must we have this desire to be with other people? It’s tortuous.
It’s about that time to get this over with. Gonna drink my last cup of cocoa and see if I can scrounge up the courage to finally do it. Got a rope, a razor, and slew of meds. Let’s see what does the trick. I’m really scared. I hope I can do it. I don’t want a tomorrow.
The world is spinning around me
I guess I’m supposed to get a thrill
But all I get is dizzy
Most times, everything is as it seems
And it seems a bit pretentious
To be so busy
No offense, but is it real?
All the bounds and leaps we make?
It’s all just spinning wheels
I’m sick of all this water treading
I should be getting somewhere
But I’m a place setting
Here I sit on my anxious hands
Like a good child thinks they should
And I’m losing circulation
I sit and watch life and death dance
Thinking, I should be allowed to join by now
But is it really worth my patience?
Don’t tell me I have time to waste
It makes […]
I feel like I have nobody in the whole world, and it makes me so angry. I just want to off myself right here and now.
“…When everything’s made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am.”
I don’t know what it is about me, but I can have a wonderfully fun day with really wonderful friends and still feel so empty inside. I come back, and I still feel like shit, like I’m nothing. I don’t understand why I can’t just stay happy and excited. I just fall into a pit for no reason. Like, I just feel so worthless. Part of it, I think, is that I spend all this time with these great people, but they have no idea that I struggle with so much on […]
You know what’s funny? I’m sitting with a group of people, and none of them have any idea that I’m on a suicide website. My counselor says that I need to find someone that I can trust, but there isn’t anyone you can trust with suicidal thoughts. It puts them in a bad position. They either do nothing and then have to blame themselves when you go through with it or they report you to someone. It’s like, I just want to tell someone without them feeling responsible for me. What they don’t get is that my suicide is not a bad thing. For everyone, […]
I wish I could just erase certain memories and people from my life. Totally rid them from remembrance, so I can have peace. It’s excruciating to think about things, and I just can’t get them off my mind. All those people who hurt me terribly. I’m so angry and hurt that I want to scream. But here I suffer in silence with no one who cares. So sick of not being heard or understood. It’s dangerous to feel how I feel right now.
I hate how inevitable it feels. Like, I can pretend all that I want to be happy or that I have purpose or whatever, but it doesn’t change my fate. Like I’m destined for suicide. It’s what I always come back to, and it’s getting harder and harder to say no to it anymore. I don’t want to say no. I just want to be done with all this pain, and this world only dishes out pain. It isn’t going to end in this lifetime, so it’s like my only shot is in the next. But shit, I’m a Christian, and suicide is a sin. Will […]
Is there really a point to any of the shit we do? It all seems so meaningless and empty. I don’t want the stupid American dream. I just want to enjoy my life, but that won’t happen. Not in this world. It really does suck.
I guess I could finally tell my story on here. I’ve been posting on here for a month, and I still never got out why I’m got so fucked up in the first place. Now, I don’t claim to have a bad life, just a fucked up mind and an inability to deal with what I have experienced.
I grew up in a pseudo-Christian home. By that, I mean that my family was picture perfect in Sunday service and fighting on the way home. My parents dragged us there but never really lived any of it, and I hate that about religion. So much pretense. Don’t […]
I was doing better. I didn’t want to die for a couple of days. You know, I had a documentary about depression to start on, I scheduled classes for senior year of college, I spent time with friends that I love. Then I see a stupid Easter status that mentions the dickhead who broke my heart, and I’m snapped back to reality. I’m a nobody. The one person in my life who has ever claimed to truly love me never did. He said it himself that it was all fake. Why was I so stupid? I actually thought for a bit that maybe I was […]
So, I really want to start a campaign to help the world understand the perspective of people with depression. What do you think? Would anyone be willing to describe/illustrate how the world looks to them with depression? I want to do a documentary, and I think I could use different peoples’ perspectives, anonymously, of course. I made a camera obscura, which basically captures an upside version of the world, and I want to use it as the premise of the film. Like the world is flipped upside down with depression. It changes how you perceive things, […]
So, I really want to start a campaign to help the world understand the perspective of people with depression. What do you think? Would anyone be willing to describe/illustrate how the world looks to them with depression? I want to do a documentary, and I think I could use different peoples’ perspectives, anonymously, of course. I made a camera obscura, which basically captures an upside version of the world, and I want to use it as the premise of the film. Like the world is flipped upside down with depression. It changes how you perceive things, you know? Just wondering what you all thought as […]
I don’t want to die, not really. I just want to know how to live. I’m not really living as I am now. I want to have good friends. I want to have good memories. I want to have success. I can’t have that if I die. I just can’t live with the pain anymore. I ruin things. I don’t know if I can ever have what I want.
I don’t know what I want anymore. Somedays, I feel like all I have is suicide, but the next day, I feel like I can pull myself out of this. I’m so lost. I’m stuck between life and death. I can’t tell which one is more terrifying. Somedays, I feel like I have friends, even if they’ll never understand me, I don’t feel so alone. But others, I feel so alone, like I’ll never be good enough to keep anyone in my life. I keep screwing things up and alienating people. I just want to be normal. I just make life hard for everyone who […]
Man, I screw everything up. I finally had someone to talk to, and I was much too honest. I just said how I really felt, but I barely know her, and it isn’t her problem. I feel so stupid. Depression is so venomous, and everything I touch is poisoned. I feel like I can’t tell anyone on this planet, except people on this site, how I really feel. They just can’t take it. I get that though. Clearly, I’m about at the end of my rope with it. Just the moment I gain some hope, I screw it up again and want to die even […]
Verse
I’m just the tormented soul
Your siren songs cajole
You knew you had control
But you didn’t want what you stole
I’m just a haunted home
You peered in through a window
Right before you threw the stone
Just to say you knew me before I broke
Â
Pre-Chorus
And I broke
Like your promises
Chorus
What happened to old-fashioned robbery
When you’d only take what you’d need?
You poison me with reckless greed
Hoping just to make me bleed
What’s with today’s new, hollow crime
That you breed your hate to fill the time?
Bitter is your cyanide
The quickest way to make life die
Verse
I’m just the dirt beneath your feet
And by the time we meet
You’re already crushing me
Yet, I mistake it for company
I’m […]
I want to die. I want to live, but I can’t, because I desire to die even more. I have nothing to live for. The only person who ever saw good in me said that he never meant a word. He never cared about me. I am nothing, and I have nothing. I just can’t take anymore pain. I cry all day, and there’s no relief. I’m tortured in my mind and exhausted in my body. My heart aches with broken promises, everlasting disappointments, and lies told in malice. I can’t tell a soul, because nobody understands a stupid, little depressed girl. Nobody cares. If […]