It’s about that time to get this over with. Gonna drink my last cup of cocoa and see if I can scrounge up the courage to finally do it. Got a rope, a razor, and slew of meds. Let’s see what does the trick. I’m really scared. I hope I can do it. I don’t want a tomorrow.
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You don’t want to confide again here tomorrow? To feel in a safe and accepted place? Nothing I can say will talk you out of it – but I just hope you do feel accepted here. There are so many people to talk to. Just, try. Please.
🙁
I can’t imagine how scared you must feel. I can tell part of you doesn’t want to do it–so I hope you stay to weigh other options for a little while.
I hope you stick around to try hot cocoa… marshmallows the next time around. Super hot, a couple mini marshmallows and maybe stirred up with a peppermint stick. Stay around a little longer.
Love,
glass_music_cup
I tried. I did all the preparations. I found a secluded place. I tied up the rope and put my head in the noose. And I couldn’t do it. I got out the razor, and I just couldn’t do it. I don’t know what to do now. I’m back in my room, and nobody has any idea of what I almost did. Nothing will ever change. Next time, I’m waiting for a train to come and jumping.
Thank you all for your kind words though. I have nobody else in my life who would have told me to stop. I feel so unbelievably alone. It’s excruciating. I really tried to end it, and I wish that I had, because here I am feeling so alone again. Nobody at my college, even my roommate, has any idea what I was going to do tonight. I got on this website starting at the beginning of March, and I tried to find solace in relating to you all. But I don’t fit here either. I don’t fit anywhere. I don’t feel accepted anywhere. I have no one to talk to–not about how I really feel. Nobody wants to hear that. I’m scared to live, and I’m scared to die. I don’t know what to do.
But thank you all for what you said. I needed to hear that there was someone out there who didn’t want me to do it. It made a difference, believe me. Keep being great. Now, to have another cup of cocoa and try to figure out how to survive another day.
Why do you feel you don’t fit here either? I’m curious….
I’m not going to try to change your mind, because I think I know how you feel. But if you need someone to talk to, we’re here.
@girl interrupted- I don’t really know. I guess, I just feel like an outsider, and until now, like an invisible voice on this site.
@Regret17-I appreciate that. I guess, I just don’t even know what to say. I just want the pain to end, and I don’t know how else it will.
Can relate to your feelings. Today is the most I’ve ever posted. I’d like to get to know you better, if you want. I want to know how you feel…maybe we could bounce thoughts and ideas off of each other. I have no one else I can really honestly talk to for fear of going back in to the psych hospital and just the thought of letting my family down. Again. Anyway, my door is open, if you so choose. If not, that’s ok too.
What keeps me going is the thought that maybe one day my life will change and I’ll be happy. I don’t know about you, but I can’t see the future. Sometimes I lose hope. That’s when I try to kill myself, but I keep telling myself that one day things will change. I don’t know if it’s true or not, but that idea is what pulls me out of bed each morning.
You are very right in it being so painful to live a double life. People say they’d care but in the same breath talk about needing to be around positive people, not having time to hear people whine. Where are we supposed to go then? Who are we supposed to talk to besides paid strangers (therapists)? What do we do when we are hurting everyday? Nobody can listen forever. I’m older than you but I remember it hurting so much to feel hat heavy weight full of secrets. Pretending is so painful…but being honest scares people. It’s like you can’t win.
Why do you feel like an outsider? I think a lot of us share your pain.
I’m glad you’re still here. Have some gourmet hot cocoa!
@girl interrupted-I’d really like that a lot. I can’t talk to anyone either for the same reasons. Nobody can handle the kinds of things that I struggle with, except someone else who struggles with them. Email me sometime: 201206346@panthers.greenville.edu. I want to get to know you too 🙂
@Regret17-I’m glad that you have something to keep you going :). I think that’s what’s been keeping me going so long. Hoping that the future will be better. Today was one of those losing hope days. They happen much more frequently now, but I’ve only ever came this close to going through with it one other time. I hope something changes soon–for both of us. My email’s above if you ever need anything. Thanks for your help.
@glass_music_cup- Exactly! It’s like people offer to be there for you but then, feel burdened by you. It’s so frustrating. No wonder there’re so many people like us. No wonder there’s a website like this. And you can’t even be completely honest with therapists, because one mention of suicide, and you’re thrown into a psych ward. I get that they feel the need to protect you by doing that, but honestly, it’s only just to help them sleep better at night. Until now, nobody had really noticed me much on here, even after 23 posts in a month. I’m not an attention whore, but tonight, I guess, it hit me that I wasn’t even noticed on a suicide site. Like, if nobody cares on a site like this, then truly, nobody in the world cares. But you all definitely changed my perception on that one.
Hey well.. I for one am glad you’re around to enjoy another cup of cocoa. You sound interesting to me. Getting noticed is definitely not as easy as it used to be. And I completely understand what you’re saying. A lot of people aren’t attention whores, but it is nice to see someone genuinely interested in knowing how your day went and how you’re doing without feeling they’re doing it out of a formality.
It’s a dark place when all those close to you have no idea what’s going on and can’t read you, but it never hurts to have a few perfect strangers around. So, Hi! It’s dark yes, but not silent. Nice to still have you onboard!
if u are scared it means u dont want to do it, and honestly there is no possible way to do all the above at one time, just sayin
Don’t think any of you are being unnoticed….its just there are sooo many of us…everyone with his/her own story. When reading the post I truly hoped you would not leave this world today. Yes, it is selfish, but the knowledge that YOU did not give up gives me the hope for myself…