It’s fucking awful when you can’t even allow yourself to be depressed without feeling like you don’t even deserve to be depressed. I would be dead by now, but I can’t stand the thought of my mom losing her oldest daughter. I give so much mentally to other people, but I can’t commit suicide, the one selfish thing I want to do.
At my sister’s 11th birthday party, she invited all of her friends to this place where you could bake a cake with fancy equipment. And she is an outgoing person, so there were 15-20 people there along with our extended family.
I had a mental breakdown in the parking lot, just complete and utter depression. When my parents got me to come inside, I locked myself in the bathroom so I wouldn’t embarrass my sister. My mom thought I was trying to kill myself again, so she got the people to unlock it and then wouldn’t let me go back in. So I spent the rest of the party curled up in a ball under the counter.
Then this year, I ended up in the hospital on her birthday. She couldn’t even visit because she was too young. But my doctor let her come, and she brought me a present. It was her birthday. I should have been getting her a present. I feel really crappy about missing her last two birthdays.
I love fostering cats. Mostly kittens. A few months ago, I was taking care of a litter of six with their mom. The mom was great, took care of her kitties, and was super sweet. But she was in a hoarder home (specifically the mom because the kittens weren’t born there). I ended up getting sent to a hospital. But it turns out, the mom had some parasite from before. It killed one of the kittens. My mom in her eternal wisdom decided to wait a week before telling me. Because why would I care if a six week kitten that I’d loved since birth was dead? You know, just weird stuff like that.
She was afraid of how I’d react. She brought hot chocolate too, to soften the blow. And then she was all confused when I got mad at her.
The dead kitten’s name was Ember. She looked just like her mom, and she was so freaking loud. She meowed all the time. A couple weeks later, her brother Cinder died. He was gray and had a super short tail, and he never meowed. At least mom told me that time instead of trying to spare my feelings.
Um, I know that we’re not supposed to post more than once a day. But does that go for commenting too?
Bye. I’m sorry that I got to this point. I’m just so fucked up, and the world is the same way. My parents are great. They’re amazingly supportive and everything. I wish they had a daughter that was worthy of their love. The world is just so utterly screwed. I love my cats and that’s about it. Thanks to everyone reading this. Honestly, even though you don’t know me, I’m amazed that you’re so empathetic. Thank you. I hope everything ends up better for you. Good luck, y’all.
I wish my family didn’t care about me. That would make it so much easier to end it. Just a lot of wishes and stuff. My mom cares so much and I wish I was someone that deserved her love and attention. I’m only alive for my cat, she has separation anxiety. Thanks for reading.