You promised at the very least we would always be friends and after all this time, you walk away and never look back and im just supposed to be ok with this. I’m not fucking ok at all!! I HATE MYSELF!! I’m tired of dragging this out and pretending like everything is going to be ok.. it’s NOT ok and I dont have any hope it ever will be.
You get to walk away… I am stuck with me. With a person I hate more than anyone, day after day….. When is it my turn, to walk away… from me.
I promised I won’t do it, so instead I live this torture… knowing I’m unlovable, knowing that I will never understand things the way they should be understood. I’m supposed to pretend everything is ok and my positive outlook will suddenly transform into a positive life… it hasn’t happened yet, so why should I believe it to be true. I don’t want anything anymore, no dreams, no aspirations… when I make promises, I keep them. Once again, I’ve lost nearly everything I hold close to my heart. I don’t want to keep going on like this… but I will, […]
I ruin everything, and not just once, over and over again. I promised I would hang on but the point is getting harder and harder to see, am I not being selfish knowing that I sabotage everything around me yet still I hang on and continue to ruin everything. I am making things harder for those around me. I don’t do it on purpose, so I don’t see how to correct it. I don’t want to be around me, so I can’t see why anyone else would.
Feel horrible today. I walked out on my job, because I couldn’t stand the bullying anymore, and I know I shouldn’t have to. Doesn’t change the fact that my friend had to pay my rent this month, and I need a job to pay bills. Makes me feel guilty as hell… I’ve never taken money from anyone. Now I’m just sick. I have no idea how I will face my boss, or how I will get the motivation and the courage to go out and look for another job.. this one was bad enough. Can’t even keep a shit job. What’s the point, I think… […]
It’s been so bad all day today, and now it’s nearly time to face the dark. Alone. My thoughts have been running marathons all day, and I see no sign of the excruciating turmoil inside of me letting up.
Once again, the horrible days where I am so physically sick from this, I can’t move, and so emotionally fucked I start losing track of which thoughts are rational and which are not, are the days when I have no one. The times where I am paralyzed with fear and flashbacks and lonliness… they are the nights that I suffer alone.
I guess I do have one small […]
I’ve tried everything, therapy, meds… nothing is working. I’m just so fucking tired. Plus I took a chance, and it totally backfired, leaving me feeling totally shitty. I go around pretending like I survived all that happened to me all those years ago, but it’s all a lie. I died back then… when they fucked my mind up so bad…..I wish they would have just killed me instead… then I wouldn’t have to.
Just when i needed people the most, they all just stepped back.. at the same time nonetheless. I can’t fix this, and it really feels like everyone just expects me to snap out of it. My kids are keeping here, but the torture and torment inside my head has become almost constant. It would be very easy to just give in to the thoughts but i can’t help but fight it and that’s what makes it worse. If i let the paranoia take over, I just wouldn’t allow anyone around me. but there’s this part of me that yearns for understanding. Someone who will try […]
And I can’t fucking wait. I borrowed a car for tonight, which is a key part to implementing my plan. Which I’m sticking to this time btw. I’m not risking failure again. For those of you who have stayed up night after night with me, fighting the dark, it truly meant alot to me… I want you to find whatever it is you are looking for. If I haven’t lost everything i loved, I will anyway. I have to shut this shit up my mind is split in half again, fighting itself. I would rather be completely fucking stupid than have an overactive mind that […]
Here I am again. I don’t want to be here or anywhere else. I don’t want to keep going through this over and over and who fucking cares right… why should i. I can’t fucking take it anymore. The torment and the torture is back and I am alone again. So easy to help me yet… so hard for people to do.. Is it too much to ask? I don’t even know if this makes sense, b/c I am fucking crushed, sick, fuck who can blame anyone.. I’m tired of myself. I don’t want to stay. I don’t want to feel like […]