So there i was for a second, back where it all begun. My eyes closed, asking him not to come any closer. His hands creeping up my body slowly as i tried to hold back the tears, biting my lip not to make a sound. He was not to know i was awake, he could never know i was awake while he did this to me. I felt his lips against my neck and drowned a scream. He was going to do it. For one second i believed maybe he’d be satisfied by just touching me. Be of course, he never was. I had long […]
Well, i was diagnosed with endogenous depression a couple months ago and i haven’t really been getting any better. Lately I’ve been struggling to eat; I feel like i’m going to puke at the thought of food, and having to force myself to eat makes me cry. I can’t handle more than a couple spoonfuls of food before I feel sick, and I just can’t understand why. Has anyone else ever gone through this?
It’s been 19 days.
The medicine I’m on seems to have taken away the so familiar feeling of sadness I’ve had for as long as I can remember. The change is so sudden that I feel like I’ve been stripped of a part me, I part I loathed but at the same time loved. How is it possible that now that my depression is on the way to being cured, I don’t want it gone?
It’s as if I would rather stay with my roller coaster of a life then be happy. Do I really hate myself so much, or is it just her ensuring I never […]
Who am I?
The only question I’ve never been able to answer.
Even as a small girl I never really knew who i was.
As if I’ve been living a lie for so long that I can no longer recognize the real me from what I’ve become.
When i think about the fact that I’ve never told anyone everything about me, I realize that I don’t even know everything about myself.
But how is that possible?
Why can’t I remember everything?
Why do I not know myself?
Does anybody else confuse dreams for reality?
I find that most of the time I remember the things that actually happened as if they were dreams- blurry and confusing- while I can remember dreams much more perfectly-as if they were real.
Sometimes it take me a few hours to realize that everything I dreamt wasn’t real, and I get mad a people for things they actually didn’t do.
It’s terrible when you’re walking down the street, or simply talking to someone, and suddenly you can feel like you can’t hold back your tears anymore. You start crying and you don’t know why. Everybody stares and asks what’s wrong and you can’t answer their question. There’s nothing wrong, nothing bad is happening and you have everything anyone could ever ask for. And yet you don’t feel happy.
She’s right, whatever her name is
We had a deal.
I hid from the pain
And she took my place.
What if I don’t want to be numb anymore?
What if i’m tired of not feeling anything?
No happiness,
No sadness,
Nothing at all.
She was my shield for many years
She protected me from the horrors of this world
Now I relieve her from her post,
But she doesn’t want to go.
She clings on to me
I can find no way to get her out of my head
“Fat”, “ugly”, “worthless”, “useless”
She knows all my weaknesses and faults
And all she does is point them out.
She moves my arms and legs sometimes
I’m her puppet.
No matter how hard I try […]
Today I almost broke up with my boyfriend because I feel that every time he sees me crying for no reason, every day I can’t go to school because I can’t get out of bed, every time he sees a new scar on my wrist, it hurts him. I can see the tears he holds back or the pain in his eyes every time he looks at me. Sometimes he holds me very close to him because he fears that I’m suddenly going to disappear into thin air. He’s the first person I decided to trust with the secrets I had never told anyone else, […]
I’ve never understood the point of this life. When I ask people they often say, “Well, you graduate from college, get a job and start a family.” My only answer is, “And?” What comes after having a family and everything else you’ve worked so hard to obtain?
Death.
If in the end, no matter what we do, we all die, then what is the point of living? For those who believe in afterlife or a heaven after we die maybe life has a meaning. But to someone who doesn’t believe in anything, what’s the point? There are more than 7.046Â billion people on earth. Millions of people are […]
Every morning I wake up and it’s the same: I’m still alive. Sometime I wake up and cry, other times I sit up and hold in the pain afraid my mother or brother will notice it. Some days I don’t get up. I skip school and lie in bed looking at the ceiling or sleeping, trying to escape reality. I hear as my mother walks into my room and asks worriedly if I think it’s normal to stay in bed all day and all I can do is nod. I don’t have the strength to get out of bed and face life. All I can […]
So I just found this website o whatever today and I guess I thought it would be a good way to right the things I can’t say out loud to anyone even though I know no one will probably read this. I’ve been depressed for the last 5 years and I finally decided to see a psychologist about it since my self harm problem has started up again and my suicidal thoughts have been getting stronger. The only problem is my mom, I can’t tell her why i want to see a psychologist because she’d freak and never let me leave the house alone ever […]