I should just kill myself.
I’m just wasting space around here, anyway.
I haven’t been on this website much in the last year because I thought I was doing better.
But my father has been talking lately about how I should get engaged.
I am a 19 year old Arab female, and my father wants me to get engaged next summer to a man I do no know so that he can come to America, get settled in, and then marry me when I finish college.
But this is the stupidest bullshit in the history of the universe.
I hate my parents. I was accepted to MIT but my parents wouldn’t let me go because they told me I could not […]
…Â before I just throw my hands in the air and cry out, “I quit.”
Its 5:21am, no sleep, can’t sleep, class in 3 hours, there’s no point in trying anymore, I wish I were dead.
After having not smoked for about a year, I went to Walgreens and bought a pack last night.
I hate myself.
So much potential, wasted. So much. In me, in you, in all of us. We are capable of so much, but life just keeps getting in the way, people keep trying to stop us, all I want is to do something worthwhile in my life before I cut it short but nobody gives me the opportunity, I have spent the last few weeks just devouring math and physics books because it makes me fill like I’m worth something, perhaps it’s a new addiction to replace the cutting and burning and oxy and cigs but just like all those other things it doesn’t feel the emptiness […]
I’m slowly losing my mind, and I don’t even know why.
Watching you slipping is taking its toll on me. I thought I was regaining stability, regaining the will to live; but last night I realized that I’m slipping again. I haven’t cut/burned myself in a while–I don’t know how long it’s been because I was never one to keep track of those sorts of things–but lately I’ve had the urge to go back–because I can’t stand to watch you do this to yourself–
Stop it, stop the drug abuse, stop the self-starvation, stop the all-nighters, just stop it–I wish you understood how much it all hurts […]
When we part ways at the end of each day, we smile and wave goodbye, occasionally spewing some witty statements as our final words until the next day. I always end up finding myself resisting the urge to wrap my arms around you, but I’m aware that this would be crossing some sort of line. Our relationship is simply too formal for that.
People tell me that it’s strange that nothing has happened between us given how much time we spend together. I spend all my time with you, every day of the week but Saturday, and even though we base our meetings around academics, I […]
Just stand there and watch me as I fall into despair and nihilism. It’s good to know that you don’t care enough to catch me…it’s good to know that you don’t care enough to help me.
I just want someone to put an end to this meaninglessness. I am so tired of being nothing more than a waste of space…
I’m sorry that I’m incapable of being something worthwhile.
I apologize for being a flat character in the story that is your life. I have never had to be a fully functioning human being at any point in my life because I was always the tutor, the listener, or the sidekick. I’m not motivated enough to engage in educated debates, nor am I even capable of thinking for myself. I am wandering from place to place with no reason, no purpose, unthinking, unfeeling. I am forgettable, that piece of your life that you will lose all too soon, that part of you that was never worth […]
I just want to have someone to turn to. I need to hear a human voice tell me that it’ll be okay. I need human warmth to accompany the voice so that I can believe the words I hear, no matter how much it goes against my nature. I’m so incredibly lonely that I would rather die than continue to feel this pain. I would rather die.
I’m so pathetic. I really wish I had the guts to go, but I don’t. I have everything I need for any method I wanted because of all of the ridiculous plans I’ve made that I could never go through with. Well, I mean, I have everything I need but courage. Unfortunately, that’s the most important thing to have…
I don’t know if I’ve said this here yet, because I’ve written so many posts and so few say anything about me, but I think I might suffer from a minor form of social anxiety. Today I was at a gathering for my graduating class before college […]
Oh, hello, 3am.
Since my last post, I’ve started cutting daily–there are scars all over my body, everywhere but my arms. I still burn–and I still prefer burning–but I had forgotten how much more convenient cutting is…and how much more beautiful the scars are.
I move in for college in two weeks–I dunno if that’s good or bad. New beginning means that I might find normal friends, and maybe even be a normal person. Ha. Not likely. But I can get a counselor/therapist once I’m away from home, since my parents don’t realize how far gone I am. Let’s see if I actually do it once I’m […]
I keep trying to write a post on here, but nothing ever seems to come out right.
I’ve been deteriorating rapidly–Friday I got in an argument with my mom, and I went to the kitchen to grab a lighter and burn myself like I do sometimes–but then I heard the garage opening, meaning my dad was home–so I put the lighter in my pocket and grabbed a knife, did what I needed to do, and placed it in the sink and ran up to my room before he saw that I was awake. I have three gashes on my left calf, and two on my left […]
I just want this pain to stop–I just want this pain to stop–
Maybe all the people that I tell myself I need to stay for is just an illusion. Maybe they don’t care nearly as much as I thought they did…
So then…that means…I’m free to go. Right? Yes. I’m free to go.
I’m such a wimp. I’m not gonna do it. All these excuses I make…no matter how many I disprove, I always make more.
I wish someone would see. Why is everyone so blind? I just need someone to save  me…
I composed this e-mail to my counselor but decided not to send it…for obvious reasons. I dunno. I feel so lost without his guidance. I wish someone more permanent were there for me.
Mr. –,
Chances are you’re not going to read this e-mail, anyway, since even though you told me that I could e-mail you over the summer, you forgot to mention that you would never read or respond to anything I sent.
I’ve decided that I am not making it to the end of the summer. I’ll be gone by mid-July. I don’t have to worry about you calling home because chances are, you will never […]
I’m so sick of people. I’m so sick of myself.
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