Author

louise52

Severely bipolar, BPD, 54. Able-bodied but no work for decades because of the mental illness. Having and keeping good friends was never my forte, but how did things get to this point? I just got a request for a blow job on my freaking phone from a 19 year old pervert. The friend I DID want to see or hear from never texted me back. I’ve got an alcoholic jailbird with no income sponging off me and living in my house. But I’m too desperate for attention, affection and companionship to turn him away.

I have two options, laugh or cry. Well, all my tears dried […]

7/4/2016 4 comments

No More Faking

by louise52 1/26/2016

written by louise52

Hi folks. I want you to know, you help me get by. I understand you, I feel for you, your stories resonate for me, I am one of you, here I belong. I was never a ‘happy smiley’, I never will be a happy smiley. In fact I militantly stand for the right not to fecking smile lol. I was the only one in my sixth form class not freaking smiling. And I’m not ashamed. I knew life and society sucked back then (though I was lamentably immature and naive in so many other ways). I wasn’t taken in by the hype.

So fuck faking it.

1/26/2016 2 comments

Information Alert Peeps!

by louise52 8/7/2015

written by louise52

https://amistillill.wordpress.com/2015/08/07/hes-just-holdin-it-down-lol/

‘And if they don’t believe us now, will they ever believe us?’ (Morrissey)

From She who will not be silenced lol.

8/7/2015 5 comments

Another Manic Monday

by louise52 7/12/2015

written by louise52

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xmROWzXGyD8

This guy is on my mind…and in my bed lol!

For an update visit my blog at http://amistillill.wordpress.com

7/12/2015 3 comments

Why I’m Here

by louise52 4/20/2015

written by louise52

My story is both hair-raising and mundane at the same time. I was a very promising student, talented musically and didn’t have too bad a childhood, but went down with clinical depression aged 19. Back then there was not so much awareness of the condition so I didn’t really get any effective help. Depression through my twenties came and went, I tried out ‘alternative’ lifestyles and was somewhat of a political activist, I didn’t pursue a career because it was kind of fashionable in my circle to be a dropout I guess. Also the episodes of depression would hit hard, still undiagnosed, still not really […]

4/20/2015 4 comments

I Wanna Be Sedated

by louise52 4/17/2015

written by louise52

I’m groggy. Have taken three different sedative substances, only one of them prescribed. Tsk tsk.

Am desperate to sleep.

Am using chatrooms coz I can’t focus on any book, movie, documentary or any other cultural output.

There’s something seriously wrong with my body. It’s like dragging a corpse around. I’m constantly knackered.

Uh-oh. This may not be suicidal enough for Suicide Project.

I daren’t even say what I really want to say. I’m paranoid as all hell. If I say I wanna kill someone some f***** out there might think I mean it so…

So here’s another half-assed post which is really just a groggy vent. Because sauce for the goose […]

4/17/2015 3 comments

Doing Better…

by louise52 4/14/2015

written by louise52

Yeah, I slept two hours, about four the night before. Been pretty sociable lately (kinda unusual for me). Have joined a Recovery Service for peeps with addictions, there are a ton of groups, therapies, classes, my every waking moment will be full yay!

It’s just the sort of thing I’ve been looking for and needing…stuff to get me out of the house every day and provide structure and plenty of social interaction.

And I’ve been reconnecting with long-time friends with whom the contact had lapsed. It feels good folks!

Whole days have gone by without me singing little dirges to myself about wanting to die soon and leave […]

4/14/2015 1 comment

Getting Banned From Suicide Sites

by louise52 4/12/2015

written by louise52

I hope this doesn’t happen to anyone here (unless you’re an abusive troll of course). I was banned from two chatrooms and this forum. I was manic and somewhat obnoxious at the time, however others misbehaved too and deliberately stirred shit for me with a loved one. I’m sure they’re still happily included in the respective groupings.

Don’t get me wrong I’m not bitter about it. I would just like to highlight for people the fact that many people with mental illnesses use these forums. Being banned or outcasted from a suicide forum could have quite a damaging effect on that person. Human beings yearn to […]

4/12/2015 12 comments

Life Without Depression

by louise52 4/9/2015

written by louise52

…Or rather, life when depression is artificially suppressed by a drug called Abilify. It’s pretty good peeps. The weather here in the UK is freaking gorgeous at the moment. Not hot but so mild and balmy, cloudless sky, pollution in the high range here in London apparently but I can’t say I’ve really noticed.

I was getting out and mixing somewhat before, but always driven by desperation, need and fear of the alternative. Now I’m getting out coz I’m kind of excited to meet new peeps and do new things. Went to a local social meet up thing this afternoon, for peeps over 50 with a […]

4/9/2015 0 comment

A New Drug

by louise52 4/7/2015

written by louise52

Hi sweet suicidal peeps. I love you. I’m up in the wee small hours again. No surprise there. I went on a drug called abilify a week ago. At that point I couldn’t take any more suicidal depression. Abilify does a number on you. I can’t sleep, am restless yet terribly fatigued, worried about high blood sugar/pre-diabetes. Yet I have to say it’s stopped the depression, and the effects kicked in real quick.

Abilify also makes me want to eat everything in sight, with unhealthy, fatty, junk foods being the drug of choice. I can’t afford to indulge though. I’m 53 and carrying a lot of […]

4/7/2015 5 comments