Severely bipolar, BPD, 54. Able-bodied but no work for decades because of the mental illness. Having and keeping good friends was never my forte, but how did things get to this point? I just got a request for a blow job on my freaking phone from a 19 year old pervert. The friend I DID want to see or hear from never texted me back. I’ve got an alcoholic jailbird with no income sponging off me and living in my house. But I’m too desperate for attention, affection and companionship to turn him away.
I have two options, laugh or cry. Well, all my tears dried up long ago, back when I was still a somewhat aspiring and decent person and still had youth on my side. Now I’m used up, no longer attractive, and honestly bringing nothing to the table but a constant fascination with all things suicidal and a whole heap of heavy emotional baggage. So I LOL. Yes, I LOL. Mirthless laughter, dumb jokes, the darkest of sick humour.
My only refuge is sleep and it hurts so bad to wake up to this nightmare called mundane reality. I’ve always hated it, and it returns the favour big time by hating and shitting on me right back.
4 comments
I’m going down for my dinner in a minute but your post has just sparked my interest, BIG TIME !!!
We are like peas in a pod, you and me, louise52.
I’ll reply again shortly but i’ll leave you for now with a quick bit of dark humour since you do still get some kind of enjoyment at least from that.
I was at the railway station the other day feeling suicidal, so i rang Samaritans; they told me to stay on the line. 🙂
stop being a low life? birds of a feather flock together, turn back into a decent person and get someone decent to live with you, it’s never to late to change, find someone your age and caliber to live with. hey what else could i say? in order to be some what happy you have to try.
Hehehe, thanks for the chuckle escalado, that’s a good one. I’m glad (and surprised) that you could somehow relate.
The trouble is rocketman, that I have clean run out of fresh starts, or the energy to make them. But your comment is appreciated.
aww louise… you’re no lowlife, hun. You’re a casualty of very unfortunate circumstances. ANYONE with Severe bipolar is going to be affected to the point where it cripples their ability to lead a good life. Then there’s your BPD, i’m going to guess here but was that acquired from a traumatic childhood? It wouldn’t surprise at all.
There really is such a fine line between a good, happy stable life and a Life of abject misery. But here you are at 54 with the life you’ve had and you’re still here…whereas other more fortunate people could never have cut all those rough & heavy blows.
Look at the work side alone, we all need structure, routine, purpose and a sense of self-worth/pride in our lives but you’ve somehow made it this far even with all that heavy load you’ve carried.
Louise, although I don’t suffer from Severe bipolar or BPD I correlate with you because i’m also up shit creek without a paddle….haven’t worked in 22 years and now touching 50… even though I should have. I only feel a lift in mood at around ten at night because I know i’ll be asleep not long after. Every day is the same mundane routine …and the very idea of going through into my 60’s/70’s like this? well, i think this is where I get off. Still can’t decide on the meth0d yet though.
My empathy for you is sky high louise, because I know 100% what you have to face each and every day of your existence. I think the way things stand we need to keep reminding ourselves that no matter what we decide on ( ending it early or not ) it’s all temporary THANK FUK. The unhappiness IS definitely going to stop, we can be assured of that.
“Everything in life is temporary. So if things are going good, enjoy it because it won’t last forever. And if things are going bad, don’t worry, it can’t last forever either”
“One can have many regrets in life, but they are ALL temporary”
Louise, the twist in the scorpians tail favours us, hun. Because even although life feels as though it’s severly dragging the truth is our lives are transient. FACT !!! xx