I was too optimistic in thinking I wouldn’t need this site again.
Spring break is finally starting and since my college is getting quarantined and moving online, I’ll get to work from home and break has been extended by a week. I would be looking forward to that, but there’s something I need to take care of first before I can even think about going home or the next quarter and it’s way worse than most of what I’ve had to deal with before.
I ended up with a failing grade for at least one of my three classes so far, and one of the others isn’t looking good either. It’s not even that I did poorly on any assignments, but that I didn’t have time to turn in some of my final projects. I have an accommodation for extra time when turning things in, but the teacher for the class I failed didn’t extend that past the quarter’s end. I could’ve easily bumped the percentage back up to at least a C, but I apparently missed the deadline that other teachers were willing to extend.
I wouldn’t even care so much if I didn’t have to tell my parents. I’m not the only person I know here who’s failed courses this quarter and I’m sure I’ll be able to recover from it given time, but my executive dysfunction and I are really the only ones at fault for my performance. My parents have never reacted violently or anything when I’ve done wrong by them, but I’m only a freshman in a cutthroat art school where my parents were already afraid I wouldn’t survive and not only does it shatter my heart to disappoint them but I don’t know at what point my scholarship money will be invalidated for a low GPA. This school already costs a lot and my dad’s at retirement age but if my failures end up forcing him into doing more work that I know he hates I really will kill myself. My classes for this quarter already had me stressed and overworked to the point where I was barely eating or sleeping (despite first quarter actually being really nice) and this might just be my breaking point. My classes next quarter are ones I’m actually really interested in and there are no doubts in my mind that I will do much better, especially without having to deal with an 8am Chinese class, but I don’t even know if I’ll make it there. Shit, besides the friends I have who’ve failed classes, I still have other friends here who are able to keep their grades up, maintain a social life, get sleep, drink and hotbox in the campus’s abandoned buildings, etc. while I’m one of the few clean and consistently sober people here I know and somehow I’m doing worse by shutting myself in my dorm and working nonstop. I don’t even dislike the work, and I love being alone, but why am I doing worse?? Why am I so unbelievably stupid????
Why have my parents always been so kind to a failure like me? When will they stop?
I want to stay in this school. I really do. I also really want to deserve it. I don’t want to scrape by on pity. I don’t know what the hell I can do.