I just don’t know what to do with myself now. I’ve pretty much completed the biggest part of my bucket list (somewhere I traveled) and now I can’t seem to motivate myself at all. I know what I would want to do in the future, but now it feels like whether I make it to that point or not doesn’t matter at all. I have a wonderful life filled with supportive and kind people who tell me daily how much potential I have, but I have nothing to show for it. Guilt and a vague but almost desperate feeling of “there’s surely something left for you here, this must be where you belong!” is really all that’s keeping me here, but my realizing I can’t keep relying on escapism and unhealthy coping mechanisms forever is chipping away at what hope I have left. My depression has improved greatly from when I was suicidal and undiagnosed, but now my OCD is worsening, progress seems to have stagnated, and emptiness is starting to settle right back in, slowly but surely. I’m terrified of becoming the person I used to be all over again, and talking to my psychologist… telling her that everything’s beginning to fall back? That all the progress that took place is just gone? Call me cowardly, but I can’t bring myself to put either of us through the whole damn cycle again for it to keep repeating. Everything seems to be relapsing at once, but I can’t afford to show it.
I see you’re at this perfect point….. you see the future, yet feel the tug of the past….
Don’t deny yourself. Ok? Fill your void with memories of progress. You can move forward, right here, right now. ?