I’m tired of people saying that they understand my situation that I should just get over it. I’m sorry my unhappiness is bothering you, would you like me to leave? Like holy shit. I get it I may be a downer but back the fuck up and revaluate yourself, you aren’t little miss perfect either. I make mistakes, I do stupid things I’m human just like you and the rest of this world.
I think everyone can relate to those moments in life where you feel invincible. You are just so happy that it’s like nothing can hurt you and for that moment you forget about all the pain and all the bad that surrounds you. But just as you are in that high life strikes back bringing you back down to where you started. That’s why so many people refuse to be happy because something usually goes wrong that risk of being knocked back down is always in the back of their mind. Happiness is one of those things that can either have a permanent effect or temporary. All my life I have refused to do anything that makes me truly happy, in the fear of losing it. Except for when I met someone, he made me forget all of those insecurities. A love that took me over in an instant. Talking till early hours in the morning every night, never did it feel wrong. I’ve never smiled so much talking to someone. An actual smile. But all that was taken away, I am to not talk to him, to see him. Now the thing that made me happy has to be kept a secret. A secret i’m not willing to keep.
Anyone ever had something terrible done to them? I did. Police, doctors counsellors. Everyone was concerned. I wasn’t. Was I suppose to? I was upset sure, but everyone assumed I was suicidal, depressed, I was crazy, I needed help. Putting words in my mouth. Sure I was depressed I still am and was way before this, and sure I’m suicidal but I’ve been for a long time. This changed nothing. Or I though it didn’t. It was funny the first few months I acted like nothing happened. Everyone was concerned, and I was neutral to the whole thing. It never hit me. But as months went by I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t do anything without thinking about it. I was a wreck but obviously as I just started to understand what happened no one cared anymore. I was old news. Funny how things work? I can sleep now, but there’s always that thought in my head, the what if’s pondering my mind. But I can let my terrible incident control my life; my emotions or I can control it, and live the life I want. What will you do?
Read the title again. Do have those eyes? Do you see the lies? You might think you do, but many of you (myself included) do not see the most obvious of lies, the ones from the people you love the most. When you love someone oh so dearly, you don’t want to see the bad out of them whether it be a boyfriend, mother, father, husband, wife, best friend etc. But let me tell you when you finally see those lies. It will hit you. I’m not saying everyone around you is bad. But those people you call friends, are they really your friends? When they ask you what’s wrong. Do they actually care? I can tell you out of personal experience how heart wrenching it is when someone you use to hold so close to your heart can look you in the eye ask you what’s wrong and for it to not mean a thing, another gossip to tell everyone, another story to tell the world. Now I’m going to ask you again, do you have those eyes? Or are they full of lies? It is so hard to find a good friend, boyfriend whatever now a days. So many fakes and wannabes. You have to live our life how you want to live it, with the people who care and love you the most, who will hold you when your sad, listen to you when your mad and help you when you’ve fallen. Someone who means what they say. Rid your eyes of all those lies.
Faded smile. It can say a lot, or it can say nothing at all. As a kid you have a smile that just brightens everyone’s day. But as you get older you may still have that smile and it may still brighten everyone’s day but the one person who needs it the most is you and your smile doesn’t help you. Years go by, friends get lost, deaths appear, heartbreaks… Things that as a kid never existed. Soon we are shown that our lives are in our own hands. That we just as much as others can take it away just like that. And soon your smile won’t be as bright. Life will take it’s toll, your emotions will cave in and your life will start to spin out of control. Soon you will be just another smile that faded through the years.
I want you to think of something, but not just anything. About you. About you life. Ever wondered how many people around you actually care and how many are just people waiting for gossip. Or if the people you loved so very much would care if you just one day disappeared. See I recently discovered just how many people “care”. We try to hide the things we love the most, and that’s exactly what I did. For many years I had a best friend. Someone who knew everything about me and the one person I thought really cared. I chose not to see who she really was cause when you care about someone you don’t want to see the bad. She never cared nor will she ever. I was called for help when SHE needed it and that was all we went months without talking but hey when she needs help there she was. I guess I’m one of those people who need it to slap them in the face before they realize there’s a problem here. And that’s exactly what I got. For years now you can say I haven’t been mentally stable. But this just pushed me over the edge. It was that day I realized that she did not care. It was that day my best friend the one whom I told everything to, told me to kill myself to make everyone happier and leave. And at that very moment I did not say a word, I could not it’s like time itself just froze. Like my life just stopped right there. I got home and I had enough I really did it this time I thought. deeper then before and more then before. Ha I said no more of this shit. Dozens of calls and texts from the people that I did not want to hear from saying don’t do anything stupid. I got one call that night JUST ONE from my “best friend” I did not pick up my sister did because I was busy. But after that not one more call nothing. I have a cell facebook Skype…. but I got nothing. she tried once. As I laid down that night I really did think that with what i’d just done I would just die in my sleep.( the many pills I took would kick in) But I woke up the next morning, feeling even worse. Great I couldn’t even do my own suicide right. That day we spoke (not my intention, long story short we were forced to speak) she cried and carried on that shes sorry and she could not sleep last night because she thought I wouldn’t be here in the morning. I finally just said it asking why she only called once, if I knew someone could die that night, why would u call once. Why didn’t u stop me or better yet why would you say that to me in the first place. she cried and went on. Then I just said she was lucky im here today. Today we are classmates no more no less. I am here today to prove to myself that I can live my life on my own. Yes im still “mentally unstable” and whatever. But im living and im breathing and to me that’s accomplishment enough.
I have survived many things. But lately everything comes back as one big nightmare. I’ve lost my best friend and myself. I don’t know what to do with my life. It’s like it has no meaning, kinda seems that if I were to leave no one would notice. No one would care. I hate myself I can’t do anything fucking right. Life is a big pile of shit. They say we all have a purpose but if you can’t find your fucking “purpose” then what’s the point. Everyone tells me to kill myself anyways. I’m at the point that you just no longer know what to do. I’m surprised i’m here today I know I should not be. My life should of been over a long time ago.