i am considering suicide strongly today and i need to know what is the best way to do it. What would you recommend and do i need to leave a note behind?
People have told me a lot of stories about rape.
They’ve told me how to be careful when I walk alone at night,
And how men in trench coats come out of dark alleys.
They’ve told me to kick them in the groin and run,
To scream for help.
People who can calmly tell you how they were almost caught,
How a stranger followed them down a sidewalk and made a grab,
And how they fought back and won.
How the offender’s in jail and their life is back on track
how happy they are.
But no one talks about how they didn’t fight.
About how they took it,
Lying in a bed with so many stuffed animals that they thought it was full.
How they can’t hate the one who hurt them,
And you can still care about him.
How he’s different when he’s sober,
And you don’t want anyone to judge you at fault.
But going home and going to bed aren’t safe anymore,
And when you wake yourself up screaming in nightmares and he comes to comfort you,
That you’re only more alone.
It’s not a wound that heals
or a fight that you can win with pepper spray.
It’s confusion and blame and disgust,
And four hour long showers with raw skin
Because you will never get him out.
Wondering how anyone could love you
knowing that he already has.
The broken toy and bruised spirit
that everyone says they want to be fixed
But can’t risk trying.
You don’t feel pain
Not at first
All you feel is betrayal
You can’t think
You can’t move
You can’t breath
You can’t scream
You can’t even cry
You want to but you can’t
Then when it’s done
All you can think is WHY ME!
You never feel clean
You cry all the time now
When you don’t you bleed
And the pain starts to settle in
And you can’t stop thinking
“I could have done more”
“I could have stopped it”
“It’s all my fault”
You hate yourself more
With every breath
You feel like it should be your last
That you are nothing
So you try to cut it out
To bleed away your pain
Just one more time
Its gunna be okay
I’ll go on with life
I have to for my friends/family
They don’t know what goes on
They don’t really see
They only know what I share
But they don’t know there’s more to my story
They don’t know what he did
My uncle that everyone loves
That everyone says he’s so nice
That could never do any wrong
They don’t know
He hurt me
They don’t know how!
They don’t know the pain
They can’t figure it out
They don’t see what’s so bad
But they don’t live in my hell
They don’t know its been years
Since I was truly happy
They don’t get me
No not really
They don’t know how it feels to be …
If each cut could speak. If each scar could scream. They’d tell you the reason their there. Upon my arms, legs, stomach hips…every part. They’d tell you it’s for many reasons. Memories of the abuse, the rape replays in my mind. Voices shout say it was my fault…that I should abuse myself. Maybe I’m so use to it, that it’s the one thing I know well. My reasons..are one to many. Abused, pain. anger, hate….some even a suicide attempt or two. But there are a million reasons, if only they could speak…they’d tell you
Lock the key to my heart. Never again will I let my pain start. Its now just healing, no sorrow to show, that love can hurt. But I will grow into the women that I know. Sometimes love will let you go…Hold your breath, forget,forgive. And it will show he’ll miss you dearly when you go. Be the person your happy to be. Until death takes part, when you’ll be let free. Freedom does last, it does show. Everyone has their opinions, so just let it go. Tomorrow is another chance to show to just have fun being me, until ill let go. Sometimes I don’t know how far I can really go. How much more I can take. Its like that breaking point is calling my name. Im running so fast and far. Yet ive never been closer. So much confusion, complete blur…Something these doctors cant seem to erase. Something in me that just cant be saved. So long farewell, ive done my best. Just itching for the ones who never failed me, the ones who’s never lied or deceived me. Just give me a sip, maybe more. Cant hurt more than the broken life ive created. Its something so hard to understand, yet if you knew the feeling, the high and euphoria….the place I call my savior. You would never ever leave it behind! 2 sips is fine, just pop 2 pills of each and I feel divine. With those puffs in my lungs I exhale happiness. Its something so undeniable to me, with the moon and the stars gleaming bright. The world sound asleep, I cant but feel more alive. All the pain and pieces just seem to mend themselves. Even if its a moment, its those seconds of breath I treasure most.
were is the peeps that say they care? give me a reason , just a little bit is enough…if this is a suicide project…as its called, why is there people that judge others? im new here and the past 48 hours i have seen alot of judgement…i thought this would be a place were you can be yourself…were you can talk openly about the scars on your soul…were you can get support in order not to take that next fix… a place were a lost girl like me, could feel i belong..for once in my life…
DIRTY – I feel so DIRTY. DIRTY, UNCLEAN, in capitals. Dont touch me. Dont anyone, ever touch me, EVER again. Will I ever feel CLEAN? Scrubbing, scrubbing at my skin, Trying to remove the filth that is within Help me, inside I am screaming This is NOT bad dreaming This is REAL I hurt, inside – I hurt In my body – I hurt In my head – I hurt In my life – I now hurt When will it stop? When will it STOP. My life feels wrong now I cannot think straight I cannot feel straight I dont feel right anymore So what was my life really for? Was any of my life worth living To end up having been given The worst of the FILTH that is there This was not a life to share This WAS my life that you sullied and destroyed MY life – or it was till you came along And ended up making it all feel so wrong. Do I want to live like this I never want to feel another kiss I never want to be touched again I cannot get clean Help me get clean Help me scrub it all away Help me I dont want to feel like this I dont want to FEEL..
i wish i could see the light…people say were not broken, just bent…but nights like these i feel like im shattered into a million pieces..how does a person overcome abuse…when all people choose to do is turn a blind eye?…what is left fighting for, when there is nobody willing to fight for you??…i keep taking another shot, to help me dissociate more from the feelings inside, but when i sober up, im just this messed up girl all over again..sick cycle…pretending is so xausting, im not sure how much longer i can take this…
im new on here… i need assurance that there is someone out there that actually cares…coz nothing make sense now…and im tired