Tonight during dinner with my friends I left the table and walked away. Â I left my wallet, keys, and mobile phone behind. Â None of us realised that I wasn’t coming back. Â I don’t know where I went, exactly, but somehow I ended up at home. Â I must have broken in.
Why did I leave? Where did I go? Â When I woke up, my hands were dirty, and there were scratches on my arm. Â There was a knife stuck in the mattress next to me, but no blood.
My brain wants me dead, and I am scared.
I am concerned that I can no longer imagine a future for myself. I sleep 8 (or 12) hours a day, and I wish it were 20. And every time I wake up, I am very, very sad.
I thought about killing myself today for what must be the thousandth time. It does not make sense that my brain would choose death as the only remedy for pain, when there are so many other things that can be changed. And yet my brain returns to its deadly, depressing litany. Is it, finally, time to die?
There was to be more, but I […]
When I was a small child I prayed many times to disappear into my Winnie the Pooh books, where I could be happy forever. That was a dumb prayer, though, and anyway it never happened, so I’m still here. I kept a knife under my mattress for a week, after I had a dream that a psychopathic killer was coming for me. In the dream, I decided that the best thing to do was to kill myself before the murderer got to me, as I could give myself a quick, easy end with the knife and spare myself a torturous death. As an […]
When Elizabeth died, I didn’t understand what was happening. That’s not true. I knew what was happening, I just kept forgetting. And I still don’t remember most of it. Whenever I want to remember the date she died, I look it up on the internet.
This is what I remember: She was all-American. Her family was Korean. She listened to terrible pop music. Her pierced navel became infected, and she was too scared to disinfect it herself. She dated my first college boyfriend. She laughed like a child. She was failing Genetics. She rollerbladed around campus, and her helmet was too large. She fenced. […]
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