Where to begin.. I suppose I should begin with my introduction to antidepressants. I’ve gone through several different brands and have yet to be impressed. I’ve always felt the need to avoid medication at all costs, as taking meds would be an admission of emotional instability; Once I get on them, I’m officially crazy. But, I began to sink lower than I ever had before in my previous bouts, and I became fearful enough of my own thoughts that I decided medication was my only option. Scary thing, antidepressants.. All those side effects. The dependency….
I’ve been seeing a girl […]
Around four years ago I’d just encountered my first heartbreak. It was awful. She was my German girl and I was her American boy.. But, it wasn’t meant to last, I’m afraid, as she cheated on me. Tough break, kid lol. Anyway, I was a complete and total mess. Food held no taste. Drink held no joy. I basically just smoked cigarettes and played guitar 24/7. I’d eat just enough to get by, but only because I was constantly hounded about no eating.. Christ, I wrote some terrible songs lol. They were horrible. Lol I didn’t know that then, however. But anyway, this went on […]
I’ve been fighting this for years. Trying to be happy in spite of it all. It’s always worse in the morning. Feelings I’m sure you know all too well.. Such an intense mixture of negative emotions, feeling hopeless and hurt. Every morning I wake up to suicidal urges. My family keeps me from it. I cry when I imagine the pain I’d leave behind. So I carry on. Not so much living, but existing. I try to live, but how can I? Happiness seems like a myth. And yet I continue to reach for it. But the most frightening thing is that I think, deep […]
I believe that some people feel more so than others. The amount of sadness it’d take one person to crumble is what another wakes up to every day. You will never know my pain, nor I, yours. We can describe them as best we can, but I will never know what it is to carry your burden, and vise versa. I feel as though my own pain is much greater than most, as obnoxious as that sounds.. I live in a constant state of anxiety. How do others see me? Am I annoying? My breathing is too loud. Am I performing this task too slowly? […]
I guess I’ve been depressed for years now.. And it’s rough. The worst of it is that most others don’t understand. “What’s wrong with you?” “You just have to be positive..” “I can’t handle you being sad all the time.” Lately the suicidal thoughts are occurring more often and seem to be sounding like very viable options, and I hate that. I woke up this morning and just cried. Mainly because I hate my job, my living arrangements, and my current economic standing. I hate that I am so ridiculously lonely all the time, yet consciously choose to be alone. I hate that I know […]