I Want It..

I’ve been fighting this for years. Trying to be happy in spite of it all. It’s always worse in the morning. Feelings I’m sure you know all too well.. Such an intense mixture of negative emotions, feeling hopeless and hurt. Every morning I wake up to suicidal urges. My family keeps me from it. I cry when I imagine the pain I’d leave behind. So I carry on. Not so much living, but existing. I try to live, but how can I? Happiness seems like a myth. And yet I continue to reach for it. But the most frightening thing is that I think, deep down, I WANT to feel this way. I WANT to be miserable. I want to die. Why is that, do you think? Perhaps it’s subconscious self punishment for the many things I’ve done, or maybe the misery is my comfort zone. I’ve called it home for six years…