Author

monika

Everything is perfect. But I can’t function.

by monika 2/4/2015

written by monika

I moved to university in 2013, and was so happy to finally live near friends and be out of my house.

Stuff has gotten better and better. I found work and stayed here over the summer. I started dating a fantastic guy. I found a group of great girlfriends. I should be happy.

But im not. The same pain that was there when everything sucked is still here. I still lie in bed almost every might just bawling, wishing I didn’t have to wake up in the morning.

I want to die. I want to give up completely. But I’m scared of screwing up even that. I’m scared […]

2/4/2015 0 comment

by monika 7/14/2013

written by monika

It’s been less than two weeks and I’m back here again. That’s discouraging.
I hurt, and there’s nobody to talk to. Out of my two best friends, one’s away and I’m not supposed to talk to the other, he’s bad for me. And there’s my boyfriend, but he’s away and the problem anyway.
There’s just this disconnect again. He says things that hurt me like crazy, and he doesn’t even know half the time. And he tries to do better but then just does other stuff. And like always he’s so optimistic. He’s away for two and a half weeks, then home for two days […]

7/14/2013 0 comment

by monika 7/6/2013

written by monika

I can’t do this.

With every new experience, everything I do, I just get broken down more by how stupid the world is.

I always thought I got out of my parents’ house, faced my fears, I’d be ok. That everything would get better. But now I’m moved out and everything still sucks.

Boyfriend is away for two and a half weeks. It hasn’t even been one and I’m meh and depressed and mad. He said we’d talk “lots.” Lots for us is constantly. We’ve barely talked at all. I’ve talked to his older brother more than to him. And mostly I’m just mad at his parents for […]

7/6/2013 0 comment

by monika 2/13/2013

written by monika

I hate that I’m here again. But I’m bursting with frustration and anger and need to let it out somehow and here even if nobody listens it feels like SOMEONE might hear.
My brother’s been my mom’s favourite kid for as long as I can remember. Even though he’s the lazy 15 year old years behind in school, jobless, and lies to get out of everything, as well as giving half my family the silent treatment for the last six months. He’s snaps and gets sullen about the littlest thing and then I get yelled at. Or I tell my other brother not to smash […]

2/13/2013 4 comments

Never goes away.

by monika 11/9/2012

written by monika

It never gets better.
Maybe it does for others, but not for me.
When I was younger I heard a song that said “love heals the heart,” and I protested, saying that it only seems to heal the heart, and just brings more pain. The last year had changed my mind. My boyfriend is great. Finally felt safe. But now I’m realizing I was right. I love him. So much. Yet he still brings pain. I mean we all do, I guess. But it’s so unfair.
He hurt himself again tonight. 10 minutes after the promise not to expired. I was planning on renewing the […]

11/9/2012 0 comment

Pain.

by monika 10/5/2012

written by monika

I’m aching.
Life was falling apart in the summer. Horribly. I was seriously suicidal. I hoped everything would get better. Finally, the black cloud lifted from over my head and even when stuff was sad, I was ok. But it’s back. My mom has stage 4 breast cancer. She’s going to die. My dad is a jerk. And I’m almost out of the house anyway (university in a year) but I have young siblings. They need a mom.
Right now everything just hurts. I’m stressed with school, (I need high grades, I do well enough to get a 97 in Philosophy, but my English teacher […]

10/5/2012 3 comments

How to keep going?

by monika 9/9/2012

written by monika

Life is so dismal right now.
I’m not really suicidal. This isn’t like straight up depression. I’ve been there. This is just intense pain. Not the black cloud hanging over my head, just the knife in my chest.
Nothing can go right.
My mom just got diagnosed with cancer. It’s far along. I can’t bring myself to ask if she’ll be ok.
This summer, my friend died.
I was ill for months.
My little bro was diagnosed with epilepsy.
My boyfriend was away all summer.
My ‘best friend’ lied to me for months and is abusive to me. I can’t seem to make myself get […]

9/9/2012 0 comment

It doesn’t get better, so it seems.

by monika 7/29/2012

written by monika

In the past ten months the following has happened:
Sept: My grandpa was missing for three days. He was found alright. However I had to face the fact that both him and I would tell each other we were ok, while we were both falling apart. And my ‘boyfriend’ came home from a summer away and went back to being emotionally abusive.
Oct: My friend/boyfriend continued to be abusive, and also was struggling with depression. At the end of the month I had to call his mom because he was suicidal. He hated me for it.
November: My little brother had a seizure and was […]

7/29/2012 3 comments

Tired.

by monika 7/26/2012

written by monika

I’ve struggled as long as I can remember. Fear that made me unable to sleep when I was little until after midnight, and woke me at four. Anger and loneliness as a middle schooler. More loneliness and depression as a teen. I’m so tired.
I’m suicidal. I told my mom. She said we should find someone professional for me to talk to. That was three days ago. Not a word since then. Can’t she see that I’m dying?
My boyfriend is home tomorrow, finally home from the three week trip he’s been on. Three weeks on a co-ed canoe trip, unable to talk to me […]

7/26/2012 6 comments