After studying leastÂ painfulÂ suicide methods for many weeks now, Â I came toÂ conclusionÂ that properly done partial suspension hanging is the least painful way out. Â And I do have a proof. Â Â This morning Â I tried my noose that I made yesterday from strong leather belt with strong, large D-ring style buckle (one of those “Lewis” designs), Â to “try and see the fit”.
I had the noose hanging from a staircase railing, put it around my neck. Â I lowered my knees and the very moment when I felt the noose closing tightly around my neck veins (without choking me), Â I realized that this would be “it”. Â My mind said “OK, ENOUGH TRYING, STAND UP”.
But I could not stand up anymore. Â Feeling no pain or stress at all, I must have lost myÂ cautiousness in maybe 2 or 3 seconds (!!) and I was very likely on my way out for good. Â But this time I came back. Â I found myself Â laying on the floor where I must have dropped after one critical rivet in the belt buckle broke and the noose gave in. Â I remember Â waking up to reality from a truly stunningly beautifulÂ dream I did not want to wake up from. Â I found my glasses on floor right besides me. Â Next time, soon, I will make sure the belt I use will be fail proof. Â I found one at home already.
Now my story “WHY?” Â if anyone is interested in reading it.
I am a male over 50, worn-out, ill, depressed, unemployable with no income because last November I completely lost my business due to lack of my own self-preservation arising perhaps from my medical condition.
My medical condition is bipolar combined with depression. Â Bipolar was very likely activated 10 years ago by maxed dosages of Effexor prescribed to me by family doctor after I completely burned out from work load.
Now my own business that I had been building for the past 20 years by working hard almost day and night is completely gone mostly due to my own very wrong gross mistakes and trusting wrong people. Â All my assets are completely gone with nothing but small maybe 3-month cash reserve fund left. Â Â I have 3 children now at High School living with my high-income ex-wife who now lives with a new partner. Â The house I left to my wife and kids after divorce is now worth $1M, almost paid for and my wife + her partner make $150K+ a year. Â So my ex, kids and the family “on the other side” will be at least “reasonably” all right after I leave. Â With no income and no real employment in foresight, I have no other choice left but to go on welfare.
Not being able to pay hefty child support for the next decade my drivers licence will be taken and endless jail terms will follow. Â That is the way it is in this society. Â Â If my ex-wife could only say, Hey, you are sick with no income, and I am making good income, so don’t worry about child support, maybe for a year or two or until you get better and recompose yourself, Â I WOULD BE ABLE TO CONTINUE LIVING. Â Â But that is not how this legal system works.
So I have no other choice but to go for good unless I want to face lengthy jail what I don’t. Â I will be Â going soon. Â Very soon. Â