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My last days

by mylastdays

After studying least painful suicide methods for many weeks now,  I came to conclusion that properly done partial suspension hanging is the least painful way out.  And I do have a proof.    This morning  I tried my noose that I made yesterday from strong leather belt with strong, large D-ring style buckle (one of those “Lewis” designs),  to “try and see the fit”.

I had the noose hanging from a staircase railing, put it around my neck.  I lowered my knees and the very moment when I felt the noose closing tightly around my neck veins (without choking me),   I realized that this would be “it”.   My mind said “OK, ENOUGH TRYING, STAND UP”.

But I could not stand up anymore.  Feeling no pain or stress at all, I must have lost my cautiousness in maybe 2 or 3 seconds (!!) and I was very likely on my way out for good.  But this time I came back.  I found myself  laying on the floor where I must have dropped after one critical rivet in the belt buckle broke and the noose gave in.   I remember  waking up to reality from a truly stunningly beautiful dream I did not want to wake up from.  I found my glasses on floor right besides me.   Next time, soon, I will make sure the belt I use will be fail proof.  I found one at home already.

Now my story “WHY?”  if anyone is interested in reading it.
I am a male over 50, worn-out, ill, depressed, unemployable with no income because last November I completely lost my business due to lack of my own self-preservation arising perhaps from my medical condition.

My medical condition is bipolar combined with depression.  Bipolar was very likely activated 10 years ago by maxed dosages of Effexor prescribed to me by family doctor after I completely burned out from work load.

Now my own business that I had been building for the past 20 years by working hard almost day and night is completely gone mostly due to my own very wrong gross mistakes and trusting wrong people.   All my assets are completely gone with nothing but small maybe 3-month cash reserve fund left.    I have 3 children now at High School living with my high-income ex-wife who now lives with a new partner.  The house I left to my wife and kids after divorce is now worth $1M, almost paid for and my wife + her partner make $150K+ a year.  So my ex, kids and the family “on the other side” will be at least “reasonably” all right after I leave.   With no income and no real employment in foresight, I have no other choice left but to go on welfare.

Not being able to pay hefty child support for the next decade my drivers licence will be taken and endless jail terms will follow.   That is the way it is in this society.    If my ex-wife could only say, Hey, you are sick with no income, and I am making good income, so don’t worry about child support, maybe for a year or two or until you get better and recompose yourself,   I WOULD BE ABLE TO CONTINUE LIVING.    But that is not how this legal system works.
So I have no other choice but to go for good unless I want to face lengthy jail what I don’t.  I will be  going soon.  Very soon.  

 

10 comments
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10 comments

charliebob99 2/15/2013 - 4:06 pm

please dont kill yourself, there is always a way out of a horrible situation and it is not suicide, you just havent found that way out yet! have you confronted your ex wife about this? please dont kill yourself how will your kids feel knowing their dad is dead? please dont go anywhere soon, its not your turn to leave yet!xxx

Dave_N 2/15/2013 - 4:30 pm

Wow, that is one rough situation that you’re in. And I have to admit that after hearing your story, I have even less inclination to get married and having children, because the risk of getting screwed by child support is always there. I don’t know what to say. The system is messed up if you will be put in jail for not paying child support when your ex has more than enough money to support them. No one wants to go to jail, but I guess it’s better than dieing.

muspelhem 2/15/2013 - 5:04 pm

I kinda tried out the partial suspension thing, but couldn’t get it to work as well as you describe. I wonder what I did wrong. I wouldn’t mind dying during a beautiful dream. What was you dream about?

I’m sorry, your life sounds really tough and unpleasant. Are you still on psychiatric drugs?

It sounds completely screwed up that they would send you to jail over child support.

I hope you find some way out of your predicament. Isn’t there some kind of counsellor who can help you find a way to settle the financial situation?

It would be great if you could somehow find a way of getting by okay even with all your problems. Life has some beautiful gifts, and most of them are free.

I hope you get better and dream lots more beautiful dreams.

Erick 2/15/2013 - 11:00 pm

Well, sounds like your life sucks. Best of luck to you whatever you decide.

vlee 2/16/2013 - 2:13 am

Enough yes your situation is hard abd feels as though there’s no way out but there is death isn’t the answer see a lawyer iv been on the side of loosing my partner to suicide and seen the affect on my daughter and?everyone. around. him and felt unbearable pain you must be feeling a lot of pain like there’s bo way out but you only hav one life never no what’s arandound the corner life can change. in the blink of an eye don’t cut your life short and leave your loved ones in amense pain

vlee 2/16/2013 - 2:15 am

You and your loved ones deserve better

Letmesleep 2/16/2013 - 2:27 am

Mylastdays, I’d be willing to fix your financial problems but you’d have to be willing to bend your moral compass a little bit. Nothing in this world comes free, but I can fix your problems if you’re willing. My email is available.

LauraLove 2/16/2013 - 5:12 am

letmesleep..:)….

I meant no offence or to upset you, in fact….I am really really trying to help you….I am more than willing and more importantly able…..so please do email me and lets discuss….

x

clarity1987 2/16/2013 - 7:56 pm

travel well my friend

SuicideIsAnOption 2/17/2013 - 9:19 am

“No one wants to go to jail, but I guess it’s better than dieing.”

I strongly disagree with this. Never watched lock down on Nat Geo?
I already couldn’t stand high school bullying, let alone being surrounded by huge criminal jocks who’d make me their slave and sex toy. Suicide is a valid option. OP owns his life. It’s his property.

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