i’m not someone people care about, never really have been. always been the girl with secrets. you know the type, imagine that one person in your school people know of but don’t know about. you could ask everyone but no one could tell you one thing about them, only that they’re quiet. i met someone a few months back on here, a really cool guy. i went ghost for over a month and didn’t reply to him. i regret that. i’ve never been good at maintaining relationships. never really been good at creating them either. i’ve been trying to convince myself i’m fine on my […]
i just want out. i need out. this agony has me chained and i don’t see any way to escape without dying in the process. a few days ago i felt a little hope that i would make it but that got ripped up. i can’t move. can’t do anything. can’t show up anywhere. i just need everything to go away
will the pain ever end?
i’m just so angry all the time. from the moment i wake up to the moment i go to sleep. sometimes it’s dulled and turns into to numbness but every time i get a flashback to what he used to do to me i’m filled with this insane intense rage and i can’t escape it. i used to just be sad but that’s finally turned to anger and idk how to deal with it. i’m angry at the world, angry at him for doing all he did, angry at everyone who still believes i ‘wanted it’. i’m fucking livid with myself though. i let myself […]
i was abused for 11 months. my ex sexually, emotionally and mentally abused me for those months. before him i was the girl who would do anything i could to put a smile on someone’s face. i was happy and curious about the world. i trusted and was someone who anyone could rely on. he ruined that person. ever since he carried me into that place and found joy in hearing the word ‘no’. he seemed like he was in love with me and because i was so young and naive i believed him. he made me cut off my friends and family, i lost […]
i don’t see how i can continue to ‘hold on’. most people have something that might distract them or keep them happy. all i have is alcohol but all it’s doing is drowning me. if i don’t drink i can barely function but if i keep drinking i’m scared it’ll trap me in a dangerous cycle and never let me out. maybe it already has
i can’t cope without drink in me but it seems like most times i drink i turn into a shitty person. i don’t understand why. every time i start to feel sorry for myself i convince myself that everyone else is just overreacting bc the things they’re upset about are minor. i don’t even know what i do wrong. no one understands, no one tries to understand and that’s what makes me feel like i’m a shit person. idk
i started writing poetry a few months ago. i posted them on tiktok and i’m almost at 3000 followers. i wanna keep writing but i feel like i just can’t find the right words to say what i want to say anymore. i really thought i found something that might take the edge off for a bit instead of alcohol and drugs but i guess not. stick to what you know i guess
everyone around me is applying to universities and figuring out their moves for after we finish school. i’m stuck. not wanting to go forwards and not knowing how to even go forwards. it’s like everyone around me has their whole life figured out and has some kind of idea of what plans they have for themselves and i’m sinking in the quicksand no one else sees. and i know i don’t need to have my life figured out, i guess i’m just avoiding it because thinking about living hurts
life is a battle no one defeats. every waking moment is torture for people like you and me, sleep is the only escape. unless your demons have a starring role in them too
no one cares enough to learn who you are past those demons so really, what’s the fucking point?
what’s the point? it’s like a ball and chain is tied to my chest and it’s trying to drag me into an early grave. i got diagnosed with complex ptsd and all my trauma hit me like a ton of bricks. i drowned out what she was saying but one bit has been replaying in my mind, “it’ll take at least two years to get through it…” is that true? i pushed everything he did so far into the back of my mind and it got ripped out and put on a silver platter right in front of my face. two years. at least. two […]
pain. that’s all i feel. emotions are long forgotten. i don’t know what’s happening around me. everything just fucking hurts. every bone in my body is filled with agonising pain and it just won’t fucking stop. screaming doesn’t help. self harm is starting to not help. how is it ever gonna get better? i just want out. i want it to stop. i need it to stop
i’m trying to write a personal statement to get into uni and i ask my dad for help. biggest fucking mistake ever. i was finding it hard to come up with the bullshit you’re meant to write on these things, like what i’m proud of, what interests me and all that crap. my dad ends up shouting at me telling me to write what i like, what’s interesting about me, BUT I DON’T LIKE ANYTHING. FUCK. ended up just walking away cause how the fuck can you expect someone with clinical depression to have a river of interesting facts about them and things they like […]
so i relapsed. but i was drunk so does it even count? fuck man. i tried so hard and i had gone almost a fucking year without purging. shit just never gets better does it
my bones feel so heavy. my skin feels like it’s closing in on me. my chest feels like something is weighing me down every time i talk. everything is dark. when is it going to fucking end. i’m tired
i started posting shit i write on tiktok and i now have over 1000 followers. idk it’s pretty cool, people say i’m talented. wish i could believe that
i think my favourite part of being high is going to sleep. i can finally lay in bed and not feel like my mind is suffocating me
i’m done. i’m so unbelievably and inexplicably done. everywhere i turn i’ve got people telling me what’s wrong with me. i know i’m cold. i know i’m detached. i know i’d rather saw my own leg off than trust someone and i know i’m fucking mentally ill. so fucking what? people try to fix me left and right but there’s nothing to fucking fix. “this isn’t who you are” how the fuck would you know who i am? how the fuck would you know what i have going on inside my head? i am who i am. this is who i am. i’m never gonna […]
there’s two sides to the battle going on inside my head
one side is the innocent little girl who got robbed of her childhood, handing me a match, trying to light my way through the darkness
and the other side is the girl who’s demons are taking over, using the match to light a cigarette and screaming at me to mark my skin one. more. time.
i could always use another blistering reminder of what happened that day
the process of my body switching from being completely numb to being so tense to then going back to nothingness repeats and repeats until i’m pulled so tight in every direction and aching in every muscle that i can’t even tell if it’s the depression anymore