result of abuse

i was abused for 11 months. my ex sexually, emotionally and mentally abused me for those months. before him i was the girl who would do anything i could to put a smile on someone’s face. i was happy and curious about the world. i trusted and was someone who anyone could rely on. he ruined that person. ever since he carried me into that place and found joy in hearing the word ‘no’. he seemed like he was in love with me and because i was so young and naive i believed him. he made me cut off my friends and family, i lost so many people. i tried to break up with him but every time he cried in my arms telling me he’ll kill himself if i left him and since there was still a bit of the old me in me i stayed with him every time because i cared. i cared and that was my problem. so when i finally got rid of him i swore to myself i’d never care about anything ever again. now i’m the girl who sits at the back of class and doesn’t talk. i don’t care about making other smile or feel better. because i beat myself into someone who doesn’t care i also don’t feel. so i scar my skin because it’s the only way i can feel anything. i refuse to feel anything emotional because that’s when you can get hurt. at 13 i lost myself. at 14 i died. and now at 17 i’m chained in a state of limbo, with no way to get out. i’m destroyed, i can’t build meaningful relationships with people and if i do i break them just to avoid getting hurt. the result of abuse has already killed me once. but this time instead of him doing it, i’ll be doing it. the only way to take back my control once and for all is to end myself on my own terms. and that’s the only thing i want, control.